Meatball

Tadi di pasar malam di pekan kecilku saya singgah di satu gerai kambing bakar.

Saya cakap kat adik kambing bakar tu saya nak beli kambing bakar bbq satu set. Pastu dia tanya saya tak nak beli meatball ke. Dia cakap meatball lagi murah 5 ke 6 ringgit entah berapa entah satu set.

Saya tanya adik tu, "Meatball tu daging apa dik? Kalau ayam akak tak mau."

Then the adik looked up at me and I swear to god gave me the most condescending look siap dengan shoulder shrug sekali and said,"Kan meatball. Meat. Daging lembu la."

And I just dropped dead. Akibat panahan mata sinisnya yang menerusuk tajam ke jantungku yang berdegup dup dap dup dap di dalam kekeliruan.

Baling belakang

Tadi saya hantar gambar lama kat kawan saya.

Saya letak caption "Mengimbas kembali."

Tapi typo keluar "Mengimbas Kimball."

Kawan saya hantar balik gambar botol sos tomato. 

Jersey

Just now right before entering the rest room I saw a student drop some money on the floor. As I didn't recognize him I just called out the name that was printed on the jersey he was wearing.

"Daniel!". No response.
"Daniel!". He looked at me.
"Madam nama saya Izam."

Short silence.

"Alamak madam kantoi ar saya pinjam baju kawan."
And here I thought Daniel was the name of some famous EPL player.

Panjangkan telinga

One day many moons ago after picking up my niece from school we went to have lunch at a pizza parlour in our neighborhood. The boys at the table beside ours were gossiping about their lecturer. Or so I thought.

"Weh Mr X tu suka marah kat aku ar. Aku rasa dia target aku. Dalam kelas dia asyik bla bla bla..."

So I leaned closer to them to listen because I was just as curious to know who the lecturer was. Kot-kot la cikgu MFI kan.

Then Aina said to me loudly:
"Mak Long are you EAVESDROPPING meja sebelah?"

One of the boys heard this, looked at us, then looked around at their table and on the floor.

"Weh apa yang jatuh weh?"

Fuh. Lega Achik.

Cerita jeng-jeng-jeng

A few years ago we had an event at another campus, that ended with a gala dinner. So after Maghrib, we decided to change into our baju kurung attire at the toilet in the academic block.

Both of us were busy getting ourselves ready and discussing about the day's event when we heard someone flushing the toilet. Several times.

Aiseh. Habis la ada orang sudah dengar perbualan kami. Banyak jugak gosip yang telah diperkatakan.

Then before leaving I went to the toilet for one last time and I realized that my friend and I were the only 2 people in there.

And while we were packing up our things we heard the toilet being flushed again.

Moral of the story: We should remind everyone not to waste water. Tak baik tau main-mainkan orang macam tu. Terkejut Acik.

The indefinite article

The class was full and everyone was listening to Madame describing about one particular part of speech in French. The Definite Article. Which was going to be introduced much later in the syllabus but since a student asked so some explanation was due.

Madame: In the French language, you have to identify first if the noun is masculine or feminine, singular or plural...then you can use the proper definite article that goes with the noun.

Etudiant #1: Ohhh...Madame definite article tu apa Madame?

Madame: Hmmm...it's like using "the" in English. When you want to refer to something in particular.

Etudiant #2: Oh...ok. But in French we must use masculine or feminine ye Madame?

Madame: Oui.

Etudiant #1: Madame boleh bagi example tak? I don't understand la.

Madame: Ok...like for example "a pen" is a masculine/singular noun, so if you want to say "the pen" in French, you say "LE stylo". (while writing on the white board, drawing tables and such using marker pens in different colours to better illustrate her point).

*quiet rumbling amongst the students...peer discussion is always a good thing*

Etudiant #3: Aahhh..Madame I have a teka-teki for you.

Madame: Ok...let's hear it. *aku dah agak dah*

Etudiant #3: Ok Madame....how do you say "the asthma" in French?

Madame: Errr...l'asthme?

Etudiant #3: No...LE LAH....


Engineering technology is the profession in which a knowledge of mathematics and natural sciences gained by higher education, experience, and practice is devoted primarily to the implementation and extension of existing technology for the benefit of humanity.

Hmmm...maybe they should include the knowledge of languages as well...my kids they are super special! :) :) :)

Telefon

Last Saturday I was with a few friends in a car going somewhere. Then one of my friends asked me to call a person and gave me the number.

Friend: 010 bla bla bla
Me: Kenapa henfon aku tak boleh tekan 0 ni? Jap bagi nombor tu balik.
Friend: 010 bla bla bla
Me: See? Tak boleh.

Then I realized something.

"Eh aku tekan nombor telipon kat dalam app calculator!"

Sekian.

Tudung

Minggu lepas saya beli beberapa helai tudung syria. Kalau beli 5 dapat harga promosi. Jadi saya pakat-pakat dengan seorang kawan. Untuk mendapatkan harga promosi tersebut, dia beli 1 saya beli 4. Bayar sekali.

Masa balik saya seludup masuk tudung-tudung tersebut secara senyap ke dalam rumah. Saya sorokkannya di "tempat special". Plan saya adalah mengeluarkan tudung-tudung dari tempat persembunyian setiap minggu satu.

The next day when I came home from work my Mom said to me: "Along tudung-tudung yang Along sorokkan tu Mama dah lipat simpan dalam almari.

Haih.

a) All mothers have built in lie/hanky-panky detectors.
b) Even at my age, I'm still trying to hide my shopping loot from my Mom.
c) Saya saspek Momoi yang bagitau mak saya lokasi "tempat special". Saya saspek je la. Tiada bukti kukuh.

Shooting star

- Mak Long look! A shooting star! Cantik kan tahi bintang ni?
- Eh? Jadi najis la kan? Sebab panggil tahi bintang?

*a moment of reflection*

- Yeah you're right Mak Long. Then we shouldn't be calling it a shooting star. We should be calling it a pooping star!

💩⭐️

Aunty tinggi

Amir: Tingginya Aunty! Berapa umur Aunty?
Aunty Yati: 143 tahun.
Amir: Ohhh patut la. Dah tua!

Tajuk karangan

🌸 Mak Long boleh tak bagi idea untuk tajuk karangan? Aina nak tulis pasal model.
🌻 Boleh boleh. Err..."Peragawati yang terkenal"?
🌸 Mmmmm...no.
🌻 "Aku seorang top model"?
🌸 Mmmmm...tak best lah.
🌻 "Hidupku di catwalk"? "Glamor seorang peragawati"? "Kembara peragawati pekan kecil"?
🌸 Alaaaa...tak berapa kena. Tak pe lah Aina tulis karangan "Sekolah Berhantu".

Grrrrrrrrr.

Taklimat Pendaftaran Tingkatan 1

Today is my niece's registration for Form 1 at her new school. From 8-30am-10.30am all the parents are seated in the Hall to listen to 4 taklimats: from the HM, the penolong kanan HEA, the penolong kanan HEP and the penolong kanan for the afternoon session.

Halfway through the second taklimat, my mind started wandering. The Hal Ehwal Akademik teacher was explaining about sistem PBS, KBAT, Nilam, PT3, pentaksiran sumatif/formatif etc etc etc. His voice started to sound more and more distant. My eyes started to lose focus and my head started to bobble right and left as sleep took over.

Then the lady seated on my left tapped me on the shoulder and asked softly: "Cikgu tu dok cakap pasal Lembaga Peperiksaan. Lembaga Peperiksaan apa?"

I told her, "Hantu Peperiksaan tu."

She stared at me for at least 15 seconds and smiled.

"You ngantuk eh. Bertabahlah ye ada 2 taklimat lagi."

Ya! Bertabah! And my glassy eyes started to focus on the slides again.

Selamba je

🔸Itu la Madame, susah sekarang nak apply buat practical kat company-company sekarang. Banyak yang dah tak terima.
🔹Ye la kan? Tapi awak jangan putus asa. Kena hantar lagi resume ke syarikat-syarikat lain.
🔸Saya dah hantar banyak sangat. Tak takde jawapan lagi. Ada member saya sorang tu rilek-rilek. Selamba je.
🔹Ha awak jangan pulak ikut dia.
🔸Nak ikut macamana saya apply tak dapat.
🔹Awak cakap dia selamba je. Nanti leklu-leklu sangat kang apa pun tak dapat.
🔸Madame! Kan saya cakap...dia tu selamba je.
🔹So that's not a good thing!
🔸Haih. Schlumberger Madame. Schlumberger.
🔹Oh! Heheheh. Ok.

Bubbles

My niece and I were in our room hanging out together but doing separate things. I was reading a book and she was having one of her role-playing moments with her toy Minions.

Sometimes hanging out just means being physically in the same room together.

Anyway I overheard her Minions' conversation.

Minion 1: Oh Grand Master I have prepared your jacuzzi for you. Just as you like it.

Minion 2: Good good. I hope you remember how I like my jacuzzi to be.

Minion 1: Yes Master. Without any water.

Jadi saya pun tanya la dia, kenapa jacuzzi tak ada air? Macamana nak rasa bubbles dia?

Dia jawab: "Oh you can just imagine the bubbles Mak Long."

I told her that no bubbles meant no fun then.

Then she replied: "Mak Long you don't need bubbles to be happy. It's all in the mind."

And I was like, betul jugak kan. Agak deep tu maksudnya.

...."And any way Mak Long, the Grand Master doesn't need water and bubbles for his jacuzzi. He's the INVISIBLE Grand Minion.''

Ohhhh apesal tak cakap awal-awal. Now it makes perfect sense.

Kad Terup

Mak Long: What are you doing with my handphone?
Aina: Main game.
Mak Long: Game apa tu?
Aina: Game kad terup.
Mak Long: I never have any card games in my phone.
Aina: Ada. Mak Long yang download.
Mak Long: Aina jangan tipu Mak Long tau.
Aina: Haih. Tak tipu la Mak Long. Game Cut The Rope. Cut. The. Rope.
Mak Long: Owh. *sengih*

Badang tak jadi

A few days ago my cat Momoi threw up the tuna and prawn broth he had for breakfast. And the most disgusting thing was that he sniffed his vomit and started licking it back.

I waited a while to look for any Badang effect tapi taka ada pun so I just shooed him away.

I told this to my vet when I brought Tina for her sub-cutaneous drip. Well apparently according to the vet, it is actually quite normal for a cat or dog to do so. For them regurgitated food is still good food. Then she went on to tell me about how her dogs would sometimes eat each other's vomit and I told her another story in which my cats would be so penggeli and refused to look at their poop after they do their business and my vet agreed and told me another dog story about how dogs would sometimes even eat cat poop. All this crap talk while waiting for Tina to be done with her drip.

When I was about to leave the consultation room Dr June said to me, "Do you realize that we were actually trying to outdo each other with vomit and poop stories?"

Outside, I said hello to another client who asked me what was wrong with Tina.

"Dr June and you looked so serious while you two were discussing just now."

Padahal cerita muntah dan poo-poo.

Pen istimewa

Early this morning I received a Whatsapp message from a student of mine.

Very early in the morning.

Like 5.18am early.

Which surprised me a bit. And worried me. Because if you received text messages or calls at odd hours it can mean several things:

1-Someone died.

2-Someone is in the hospital.

3-The message sender is a stalker.

Anyway I read the message and found myself rubbing my eyes to read it again clearly.

It read: "Bonjour madame. I think I left my penis in your office last week."

My office, by the way, is filled with student assignments yang berbagai-bagai at the moment. Each class has a different project. So now I have scale models of French monuments, fun facts posters about France, 2016 calendars (You want one? I got lots), brochures, mini magazines on France...

...but a penis? I would have noticed it right away. Trust me.

A few minutes later the student texted me again: "Madame I'm soooo sorry. Pen madame pen!"

I was about to reply when another text came in: "Itu la madame cakap melayu senang kan?"

Then another text message, the last one: "Eh tapi pen dalam BM dengan BI sama je ek?"

So I tried to get back to sleep. But couldn't. Because Momoi was already on the bed meowing at my face.

Oh well.

Kentang goreng

Tadi ada sekumpulan pelajar datang ke pejabat saya untuk tunjuk assignment progress. Selesai diskusi salah seorang daripada mereka bagi saya kentang goreng dalam semangkuk polisterin.

"Madame kami belikan madame potato wedgie ni. Beli kat cafe kat bawah. Bon appetit madame!"

"Sedap madame wedgie ni. Selalu gak kitaorang beli."

Dan entah kenapa tiba-tiba madame terus kurang selera nak makan potato wedgie.

Diary dialogues

My niece has a very active mind. She easily gets transported into some faraway land in a blink of an eye. Sometimes a ball pen can be a handsome prince trying to save the sharpener princess from the clutches of ze evil ruler monster. Sometimes a paper alien conducts English class to a group of safari animals. Sometimes my handphone delivers a thank you speech to my two cats.

Yesterday she was looking at a MARA yearly planner (I think; I was beside her playing Word Scramble) and as she was turning the pages, she created conversations between all the photos of politicians and public figures who were honored from January to December. 

"Assalamualaikum Datuk. Jangan lupa petang ni Datuk ada appointment dengan Datuk Onn Jaafar. Lepas tu Datuk ada dinner dengan Tan Sri Ghaffar Baba. Siapa? OH...saya tak pasti la Datuk...Tan Sri Ghaffar dari company mana tapiiii...yang saya pasti dia bukan tukang gunting rambut. Get it? Barber? Baba? Hahahaha. Oh okay I'm sorry if you didn't find it funny Datuk. Alaaa kita ni kannnn *sengau* hidup mesti la suka-suka...gembira...hepi-hepi leww *double sengau* bla bla bla"

Nampak tak pengaruh drama bersiri dalam dialog di atas?

Dengan sedikit unsur lawak budak darjah enam.

Di kafe Wak Dol

This afternoon for lunch I made sure I took only half a fist of rice. Since I plan on also eating some more rice tonight. Kan semua health guru cakap setiap hari kita boleh makan sengenggam nasi putih sahaja for lunch. Dan segenggam nasi lemak for breakfast. Dan segenggam lagi nasi beriyani for dinner.

OK joke joke.

Well anyway at the cashier the adik yang tengok lauk saya cakap yang saya makan sikit sangat. Saya cakap yang saya nak kurangkan berat badan.

Dia jawab buat apa. Kat kampung dia di mana entah di Indonesia agaknya kalau orang perempuan kurus sangat tak laku. Tak ada orang nak masuk meminang.

Jadi saya pun cakap kat dia oleh yang demikian berdasarkan penaakulan mantik kalau saya pergi ke kampung dia senang la saya cari jodoh.

Dia kata tidak barangkali.

"Sebab Akak tinggi sangat."

OK. Fine.

I might need to go to Finland then. Or Iceland.

Tapi masalahnya kat sana tak ada kicap Habhal. How?