Hot or cold?

One day I had this conversation with my niece about her new topic of interest: living in the Antartica. She'd been reading or more likely looking at pictures of creatures of the sea and was convinced that the South Pole was the ideal place to be. And since she was going to be staying in the cold, she wanted to be a walrus as well. It was okay to be a walrus even if it meant putting on a lot of weight and having difficulty moving and limited personal space around you when thousands of your own species are all hanging around on the same beach or piece of land at the same time. Not to mention having those long tusks to keep and maintain. Susahnya untuk menyebut huruf-huruf vokal dan berkomunikasi dengan kehadiran taring yang panjangnya hingga ke dada.

-Aina tau tak berapa banyak nak kena spend nanti untuk beli Colgate kalau Aina jadi walrus? Gigi dia panjang tau.
-Mak Long, those are not teeth. Itu tusks. I can just clean it with a brush and water.

OK. Mental note #1: Do some research on a walrus' dental/tusk hygiene.

After that short but intellectual conversation, we went to the petrol station nearby to buy newspaper. She followed me into the mart. I noticed her wrinkling her eyebrows but didn't ask her what was wrong.

Later, in the car on the way home, she told me, "It was so freezing cold in the kedai just now Mak Long. You know what, I don't think I want to go to Antartica if it's so cold like that. I think I want to go to Africa now. And live in the Safari."

Errrr. OK. Mental note #2: Look up on the dental/tusk hygiene of an elephant instead of a walrus now. That's also another one of her favorite animals.

Puntianak dan serigala

Yesterday I went to the movies for the first time in ages. One of my girlfriends bought us tickets to go see Eclipse from the Twilight saga. To the uninitiated (read: uninterested) like me, it's actually a modern day vampire story. If you read the printed version, I think there are already 4 volumes, and counting.

Eclipse is the third installment of the movie trilogy. But not the last, I heard cos they're making the fourth one. So I shouldn't be calling it a trilogy. I didn't watch the first and second. But still could understand the whole concept of ''female mortal human trapped between making the decision of choosing who she wants to be with: to get married to a vampire and be one of them or remain her physical self thus saving her soul but instead confess her love to a werewolf aka a male Native American shapeshifter''. If this girl was one of my students I'd only have one advice for her: "Ko kenapa tak sudah-sudah carik pasal?''

Well to cut the crap short I found the movie rather slow-moving. I was so anticipating the fighting scenes to alleviate the boredom of listening to corny lines and cliche dialogues. Allow me to illustrate my point with some:
-Doesn't he own a shirt? (asks Edward the vampire to Bella the confused human girl about Jacob)
-Let's face it. I'm hotter than you. (replies Jacob the werewolf to the vampire)
-You're quite adorable when you're jealous.
-I promise to love you till my last breath (or something to that effect)
-Feel it, Bella. Flesh and blood...Warmth....
-I know you love me. You just don't want to admit it.

Maybe it's age. Maybe it's mid-life crisis. But I just don't get the ''brooding romance'' and ''gothic chills''. Black is not my favourite colour. Heck it's not even a colour. It's a non-coulour.

If I was Bella, I'd be having these issues:
1)die standing out of the boredom from everyday monotonous conversation totally devoid of any emotion whatsoever.
2)vow to change the Volturi (the so-called overseer aka Vatican clan in the vampire community) wardrobe from black to pink
3)always fight with Edward over use of lipstick cos he needs to look less pale and not arouse suspicion regarding his whitewash face.
4)but in the end choose Jacob the werewolf because every man in his house goes permanently shirtless and have six-packs and tattoos. And if they die the fur would make nice coats and rugs.

Macam sama, tapi...

When I was studying in France, the seniors used to organize usrah sessions regularly for all the Malaysian students. Usually the usrah will be held in an appartment that is large enough to hold 15-20 people and with at least two rooms to separate the mensfolk from the ladies. And sometimes some of the Indonesian students will be invited as well, as they too make up the ''rumpun Bahasa Melayu'' community in the town where I was studying.

After one such session, it was time for makan-makan. Since the ladies were all in a room across from the kitchen, all the food and plates and glasses were passed to us by one of the men sitting outside. Kebetulan pulak masa tu saya yang berada di muka pintu bilik dan yang menghulurkan makanan dan pinggan mangkuk adalah seorang daripada abang-abang Indon yang sedang belajar di salah sebuah sekolah kejuruteraan terkemuka di bandar Poitiers. He didn't know how many of us were there in the room so he kept asking if we had enough of everything.

While he was passing the plates to us, I realized that it we needed three more. Jadi terpaksalah saya memberitahu kepada abang Indon itu (yang rupanya ada ala-ala Broery Marantika sewaktu muda). Dan konon-konon nak tunjuk yang saya pun bisa berbahasa Indonesia maka saya pun cuba-cubalah ngomong di dalam telo bahasa mereka.

-Pak, pinggannya nggak cukup!
-Oh iya? Butuhnya berapa?
(Alamak. Amenda abang ni cakap? Mencarut ke ni? Tapi tak nak tunjuk tak tahu jawab je lah)
-Butuhnya satu saja pak!

Dari jauh kedengaran suara senior saya memberitahu:
-Ko nak pinggan berapa Ti?
-Ohhh. Nak tiga. Cakap la pinggan.

Jadi pengajaran yang dapat diberikan melalui penceritaan kisah ini (terutama sekali kepada para pelajar yang ada membaca blog post ini) adalah: Jangan malu bertanya. Kalau tak tau, tanya.

Isi minyak

This morning I stopped by a petrol station to fill up. It's the one that I go to because it's in the way thus convenient, I have a loyalty card and sometimes they serve free coffee in the morning. Tapi yang buat slacknya adalah layanan sub-zero dari the cashier atau pump attendant mereka. I always wonder why do people with no communications or interpersonal skills work at the counter. If you plan to live the rest of your life sulking and being nasty to others (tanpa mempunyai alasan kukuh seperti PMS ataupun menderita water retention disebabkan oleh PMS) then please do everyone a favor and go work in a place where you don't have to meet people. Like in a store, doing stock-checking. Or in a aquarium, as the one diving into the huge tanks to feed the sharks. Memang confirm tak boleh bukak mulut untuk mengeluarkan kata-kata yang kurang menyenangkan kerana nanti tertelan air.

I get annoyed with the pump attendants because they keep trying to sell you wipers and engine coolant even if you tell them that you don't need any at the moment. And be cockily arrogant when you start questioning them.

-Akak engine coolant ni kena tukar ni. Nanti brake hose pecah.
-Adik, apa kena mengena engine coolant dengan brake hose?
-Alaaa...akak perempuan, mana tau.
(Rasa macam nak backhand kan budak macam ni? Tapi saya hanya senyum dan suruh dia pergi main jauh-jauh)

Anyway today I went to that petrol station as usual and as I was queuing up I saw that budak ''engine coolant/brake hose'' at the cashier counter. Aisey ini mesti akan ada adegan siut sebab budak ni memang suka buat hal dengan aku. In front of me there was an old man standing to pay as well. Di dalam lingkungan 60an, berpakaian kemas, berambut putih. He was counting and mumbling about the rising price of petrol. And looked at me. I just nodded and agreed with him. He took out a loyalty point card which was not the one to be used at this petrol station. So I told him gently that he got the wrong card out. He looked at me and thanked me. And got out the right one. He smiled at me. I smiled back.

When it was the old man's turn to pay, he took some time to take out his money. Everybody in the line didn't seem to mind and just waited patiently. But the budak siut had to open his mouth and say something nasty.
-Cepat sikit pakcik. Ramai yang nunggu tu ha.
-Kejap ye nak. Pakcik nak keluarkan duit ni. Kunci kereta pun tak jumpa.
-Haiiii....pakcik ke tepi la dulu nanti beratur balik boleh tak?

At this point I had to open my mouth (sedikit sahaja sebab tak cakap banyak sangat) and told the kid to take a chill pill. I said to him that when he gets to this man's age he might just behave in the same manner as well. So rilek je la. And he glared at me.

Anyway by this time the old man had taken out some money and the loyalty point card in his right hand. He gave RM10 to the kid and said ''Merah." Budak siut bertanya kepadanya, ''Pam berapa?''. The man replied, "Entah. Tu ha yang tersadai kat luar tu.'' And grinned at the kid at the counter.

He was showing at his basikal Raleigh tua yang berwarna hitam. Kalau di kampung mak saya di Kuala Sepetang basikal jenis ini dipanggil basikal jantan sebab ada palang.

Oh. Orang gila rupanya.

Everyone queuing up was either smiling or laughing quietly or trying hard to hide one. But I just cannot tahan la. Terpaksa gelak terbahak-bahak bila melihat senyuman aku tidak bersalah pakcik tua tersebut and the kid's red face. Entah menahan marah entah menahan malu.

My day really started with a big smile!

Hello again!

I haven't been blogging for the past week if you have noticed (has anyone, by the way?). I had attended a 4-day training in Bukit Bintang (berkenaan Bahasa Perancis, nevertheless, but all the participants were more interested with the after training hours activities yang merangkumi lawatan sambil membeli-belah ke BB Plaza, Sg Wang Plaza, Lot 10, Pavillion dan tidak dilupakan Plaza Low Yat). We stayed at the Capitol Hotel which was located right smack in the middle of the Bukit Bintang area. Very easy access to anywhere. And one thing that I realized when I was there was that I felt like an alien in my hometown. Sebabnya everywhere you go, you see women draped in black and all covered up except for their eyes and chubby hairy men wearing tshirts and seluar katok. Seriously, our capital city has been invaded by the Middle Eastern people. They have outnumbered the local population in the BB area by 1 to 5. The 18 year-old Pakistani girl who does threading and waxing at my spa has brothers and sisters in KL, India, Pakistan, the UK, the US and UAE. Now that seems like a more plausible strategy for world domination, don't you think? Plant your seeds in every possible corner of the planet and spread the roots of your origins far and wide. It's all in the name of globalization anyway.

500 wpm

Two days ago I spent the whole day with my niece. We went to One Utama for lunch before going to an arts and craft shop for her monthly arty farty project. After that we went to the games arcade for her games and train ride and sand play.

All the way from the house into the car into the shopping mall she never stopped talking.

-Mak Long you know bla bla bla....I think this is great bla bla bla...You know at school bla bla bla...I'm so happy today bla bla bla...This is my lucky day bla bla bla...

She's the only person I know who will straight away tell you something after asking you "Can I tell you something?" without waiting for an answer.

Sometimes when she asks me that "Can I tell you something, Mak Long?" question, I'd simply say no to see her reaction.
-Can I tell you something, Mak Long?
-No.
-Oh. Then can I tell you another thing, Mak Long?
-No.
-Mak Long, that's not what I want to hear.

And she'll just bulldoze everyone into listening to what she has to say. It's so interesting to see how a super active imagination works. She'll just talk about anything. And everything.

So that day in One Utama at the restaurant during lunch I was hoping for some peace and quiet so that I could at least enjoy my food better. I asked her if she could stop talking for a while, at least for 10 minutes, so that we could both eat calmly.

-Err. Okay Mak Long. No talking then.

A few seconds later.

-La la la la la la la. Toot toot too. Da da da. Dum dee dum dum.
-Aina! I thought we said no talking?
-But Mak Long I was just singing to myself. Not talking to you?

I give up!

Perbualan di pagi hari

Today I wore jeans to the office. The ones with some intricate designs with beads on one leg. Ala-ala country / linedance / jenis yang aunty-aunty yang perm rambut guna perming lotion yang berbau kuat tu suka pakai. Tetapi disebabkan saya tinggi, slim dan berkaki panjang lantas ke-aunty-an bertukar menjadi cool dan hip.

As I was walking to the lecturers room, I came across some lady surface technicians cleaning the corridor in front of one of workshops. As I passed them, I noticed that they were looking at me, or rather scrutinizing me at great detail. Pandang atas bawah atas bawah. Lepas tu bercakap-cakap sesama sendiri di dalam bahasa ibunda mereka yang tidak saya fahami.

-Arugere arugere arugere arugere seluar arugere arugere.
-Arugere arugere batu-batu arugere arugere.

-Arugere arugere kalianam arugere.
-Woaa! Arugere arugere arugere tinggi arugere arugere arugere?

Perasaan ingin tahu yang terlalu membuak-buak menyebabkan saya berhenti seketika dan bertanya mereka apakah topik perbualan yang begitu hangat itu. Sampai ada yang ketawa terbahak-bahak dan ada yang membetul-betulkan bunga di sanggul. Dalam hati saya berkata "Ini mesti mengutuk aku ni."

-Waa aunty. Banyak happy pagi ni ya. Aunty borak apa tu?
-Tada la adik...itu seluar banyaaaak batu taruk atas. Banyak cantik. Kawan saya tanya ini adik mahu kalianam ka.

Gelak gelak gelak gelak...

-Aunty mau tanya sikit la.
-Boleh boleh. Apa pun boleh tanya.
-Kalianam tu apa?
-Ayoyoyo...kahwin la! Tapi adik mau cari itu abang tinggi!

Gelak gelak gelak gelak...

Oooooo...