Industrial training presentation #1

This morning I had an industrial training presentation to attend. The student came in, set up the computer, showed his slides and started his presentation.

-Good morning. My name is bla bla bla and today I will present. First I will talk about the company then I will talk about the project.

All the lecturers nodded.

-First the company. Bla bla bla...

The lecturers nodded.

-So my conclusion is bla bla bla.

The lecturers looked at each other. Did we miss something out here? Were we abducted by aliens before he started talking about his project and were beamed back into the room in time to hear his conclusions? Did I suddenly fall asleep?

-May I ask you where are your slides for your industrial training project?
-Oh madame, hilang la madame. Masa edit malam tadi terdelete.
-Okayyy...what about your industrial training report? Maybe you can show us something and explain from there.
-Tak bawak la madame. (read: tak siap lagi)
-All rightey....what about pictures? Can you show us some of the pictures you took of the machines and explain to us what you did?
-Gambar dalam laptop madame. Tapi kat rumah.

Kalau ada pertandingan "Rebutlah Peluang Untuk Mendapat Markah Gagal Di dalam Industrial Training Presentation", this boy would've won hands down. Blind-folded. Strapped in a straight jacket. Dan mendapat undian SMS tertinggi dari para penonton.

Word game

Last weekend my niece asked me to play a word game with her. So I said okay and proposed the "make a sentence from any two given words".

-Okay Mak Long let's play.
-Okay let's see. I will give you two words and you make a sentence using the two words.
-Okay. And you too okay Mak Long? But me first.
-Hmmm. What about remote control and giraffe? Come on Aina, you go first.

(In my mind, I had already thought of my sentence: "The giraffe swallowed the remote control.")

-Well...Aina and Atuk are watching television. Then Atuk feels bored because she doesn't like the cartoon channel. So she takes the remote control and changes the channel. Then they watch National Discovery. Atuk looks at the animals and says to Aina,"Let's go to the zoo Aina." So they go to the zoo. But the drive is very long. At the zoo, they see a lot of animals. But Atuk likes the giraffe the most.

Then my niece looked at me and said:
-The end. See? Easy peasy lemon squeezy. That was fun Mak Long! Now let's hear your sentence!
-Errr...oh hey Aina I think I hear Atuk calling you downstairs.

Dan Mak Long pun tukar topik.

Generation gap analysis #1

A few days ago I bumped into a friend and his current mata ayer, hanging on to him for dear life. OK maybe that was not a very neutral description. But please let me try to explain. My friend is 45. She is 23. MLC at the most viral stage.

Well anyway due to the misfortune of this accidental encounter I had to sit down and have coffee with them. And update current events in each other's personal lives. I wanted to tell him to just read my FB status for more info but bit my tongue in time. He wasn't on my list of friends.

Miss Mega Block Busters (seriously, they're huge) was quiet for some time and observed. Sometimes she smiled at me.

Then we started talking about old school rock groups and I mentioned about a mutual friend who just bought a vintage Iron Maiden t-shirt.

To which Miss MBB finally menyampuk and said, "Akak Yati, yang kat channel AFC tu bukan Iron Maid la. Iron Chef. Orang Jepun tu."

Lantas aku hot disebabkan beberapa perkara:
a) Dia panggil aku Akak.
b) Dia menyamakan Iron Maiden dengan Iron Chef.
c) Kenapa dia boleh keliru akan hal ini?
i) She mistook Iron Maiden for Iron Maid.
ii) She thought I was actually referring to the Iron Chef when she thought I said Iron Maid.
iii) She has never heard of Iron Maiden. Her dad might have.

Tapi yang lagi best adalah bila dia terus senyum kepada kawan saya yang sedang dilamun asmara MLC seraya berkata, "Ayang nasib baik baby ada Astro kan?"

I have said this before but I will say this again. For a person like her, if she wants to have a higher IQ, she'd have to stand on a chair.

Dan kalau Iron Chef tu mat rock, kemungkinan besar dia layan Loudness.

Perbualan mengenai negeri

Earlier this week I was at a friend's place and overheard their two daughters' conversation. -Cucuk mata dia! -Tak baik la buat macam tu. Nanti mati masuk melaka. Kalau mati masuk Melaka, bila lapar kita boleh makan Curry Devil. Kalau mengantuk nak tidur kita boleh pergi Bukit Katil. Kemudian di malam minggu pergi jumpa mata air di Padang Temu. Tapi hati-hati. Kalau jalan-jalan pegang tangan di Zoo Melaka tu pandang kiri-kanan. Takut ada Gajah Berang. :-))

Minggu peperiksaan di sekolah

Berpuluh-puluh tahun yang lalu semasa saya bersekolah di Kg Konggo, waktu yang paling digeruni adalah pada waktu peperiksaan. Waktu nombor dua paling digeruni adalah masa terjaga malam untuk buang air kecil. Seram nak berjalan ke tandas di hujung koridor. Jangan main-main hantu kat Kampung Konggo ada banyak buat efek bunyi. Kadang-kadang dia buat bunyi seret selipar, kadang-kadang dia buat bunyi seret rantai besi. Kadang-kadang dia buat bunyi kuda (itu hantu sekolah menengah teknik kat sebelah pagar sekolah kami).

Masa tu konsep toyol masih lagi belum dipraktikkan secara berleluasa, atau saya je yang mungkin terlalu poyo.

Semasa minggu peperiksaan juga, semua pasangan-pasangan romantika de amora yang cinta mereka diduga dan menghampiri keruntuhan akan "put on hold" segala rancangan yang akan membawa kepada tragedi "kasih tak sampai ke penghujung". Alasan yang diberi? "Abang tak boleh la kalau kita break sekarang ni. Nanti takleh konsentret."

Hampeh.

Saya masih ingat lagi ada satu ketika semasa sedang menduduki peperiksaan akhir penggal, kawan saya yang duduk di sebelah saya cuba memanggil saya. Cikgu yang menjaga pulak cikgu yang paling garang. Hati saya berbelah bahagi. Kalau tak layan nanti dia merajuk taknak belanja saya nasi daging kicap lagi. Tapi kalau saya tolong dia dan kena tangkap, menjawab saya nanti.

-Psssttt. Yati! (nada berbisik walapun ada tanda seru)
-Psssttt...
-Apa?
-Ko ada tak?
-Gila ko. Kantoi nanti tak pasal.

-Syyyhhh!!!! Nurhayati!

Errkk. Cikgu sudah bagi amaran pertama.

Beberapa minit kemudian.

-Psstt..
-Apehal ko ni? (Naik juling mata saya. Mata kanan pandang kawan saya. Mata kiri tengok-tengokkan cikgu yang menjaga peperiksaan.)
-Ko ada tak?
-Ader aperrr......
-Minyak cap kapak.

Saya terlupa. Kawan saya yang duduk sebelah saya ni suka hidu minyak cap kapak. Itu mungkin satu alternatif yang lebih sihat dari menghidu gam dan tidak menyalahi undang-undang.

Pengajaran dari cerita ini?
Jangan buruk sangka.

SMS

This morning I received an sms from one of my students that read "Bonjour madame sekarang ada jual2 souvenir ni utk lecturer. Madame nak tak todibear?"

As I was trying to type out my reply to him I got another sms.

"Sori madame tadebear."

Kecik hati madame. Dari todi langsung takde :-)))

Kucing main telefon

A few days ago one of my cats got hold of my hand phone, played with it, and plonked himself right on top of it, his fat tummy covering it and went to sleep. He didn't even budge when the phone rang and vibrated as I tried calling my number. Malah dia cuba menggigit jari saya tatkala percubaan menyeluk tangan ke bawah perutnya dilakukan dalam misi menyelamat telefon bimbit saya.

As a result of Hitam's playfulness, quite a number of my friends called me up to ask why I called them several times. And I had to repeat the same story over and over again.

This morning, as I was getting prepared for work, my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number. Usually it would be one of my students.

-Hello?
-Hello? Ini nombor siapa? You ada telefon?
-Sorry, salah nombor.

I couldn't possibly explain to a complete stranger that my black cat sudah buat hal.

-Nanti, nanti. Ini siapa?
-Salah nombor ni. Sorry.
-Ohhh. Adik manisss. Sudah kawin ka?

Damn. How many million handphone users are there in Malaysia? And how many of them are available Malaysian bachelors within the 40-45 year old range? So why is it that my fat cat would have to accidently dial the number of a Bangladeshi then?

Can someone please explain this to me? I'm in the dark.

No pun intended.