Dr Aina

Last Sunday, my niece and I, we chilled together in the bedroom. Well actually I was just lying around doing absolutely nothing while she played "the one and most important doctor in the hospital who had to do everything from checking in the patient to analyzing blood test results to wheeling the patient into the operating theatre because the nurse aka Mak Long was busy playing games on her iPhone".

She grumbled about that the whole time but kept on play acting anyway not only because she just loves playing doctor and she wants to be one when she grows up and also because "I'm just too talkative to sit still".

That day she had three patients: a snake, a crocodile and a bear. Her three fluffy toys were lined up waiting for their turn to see the doctor. She attended to the snake first and diagnosed him with having a bad back pain. He had to go for back massages. The crocodile had a toothache and was prescribed some "tooth medicine" (Dr Aina says it's very effective). Then she went to the last patient she had that day.

-Oh good day Mr Bear what can I do for you? Oh really? You're not feeling well? Here let me check you with my stethoscope...Ohhh no! You're not sick! You just have ketiak masam!

So in a nutshell, Dr Aina will not entertain patients with BO issues.

Just a little annoyed today

Today I am feeling more than a little annoyed actually (contrary to what the title of this blog posting indicates) with this person I know. But I guess I will just have to be patient and let this anger thingy pass me by because hey, this person doesn't give a crap anyway. Do you people realize how men can simply ignore you when you are in merajuk mode and just hope that it will just subside and then act as if nothing happened? Siap boleh buat-buat lawak lagi.

Well anyway I wish I had super duper powers that can transform people into objects. Then I would just go to this person's FB page, look at the profile picture and just stare and focus my super duper powers on it, so that in real life, wherever that person may be on the planet at that point of time, he would be transformed into any object desired. Like a roll-on deodorant, for example. Yang dijual di sebuah pasar mini yang terletak di sebuah lokasi di mana populasi pekerja asing berbangsa Bangla/Myanmar/Nepal amatlah tinggi dan kebarangkalian deodoran ini akan dibeli oleh salah seorang dari pekerja asing yang tidak mandi pagi adalah 99.7%.

And each time the deodorant is used up, hey presto it magically refills itself and it ends up on the shelves of the same pasar mini, only to be snapped up by another person yang tak suka mandi pagi. And this vicious cycle continues, until this person says sorry dan pujuk saya.

Groundhog Day, with a karmic twist.

Perkataan baru

Last week I spent five days gallivanting around the streets of Jakarta Barat, known as the Mangga Besar area. No shopping whatsoever. Just visiting musuems and taking pictures of the Dutch colonial buildings in Kota Tua. Believe it or not. Tidak berbelanja di mana-mana supermall yang tumbuh melata di seluruh kotaraya tersebut. It's like saying "I went to KFC but only had some Mirinda oren."

And language was also a tricky issue. Once, in a restaurant, I ordered a dish and when it came, the waitress asked, "Apa Ibu mau sendok juga?". I simply nodded while imagining the humiliation of shoving food down my throat with a big senduk but a few minutes later she came with a spoon. Owh. So I learned a new word.

The next day I had lunch at another restaurant. This time I decided to practise the new vocabulary. I asked the waiter near the counter. "Bisa berikan saya sendok satu?" (very awkward bahasa Indon I know tapi dah excited punya pasal tak kisah la).

The boy looked at me and smiled. Then he said "Akak nak sudu eh. Jap nanti saya tanyakan sekali. Saya pun nak order air ni."

Aisey. Pelancong Malaysia da. Tapi rupanya tidak ubah seperti rupa seorang lelaki Jawa tempatan. Pendek, berkulit sawo matang dan berhidung pesek. Akak keliru!

Baked seafood

Last night my niece came up to me and offered a plate of baked seafood. She had arranged some fridge magnets on a small square board and pretended that they were real seafood. There was a starfish, a fish, a duck, a whale and a few others.

-Here. Come on Mak Long. Have one. Nobody in my land wants to eat my baked seafood.
-Oh dear. Really? What's your land called?
-Aina Land.
-And who are in your land?
-Just my old toys. They don't want my baked seafood because they prefer nasi goreng kampung.
-OK. But I'm allergic to seafood. I don't want any rashes breaking out on my face and body if I eat them.
-Oh no problem Mak Long. Here have a bug.

And she handed me a fridge magnet in the shape of a moth. Ada pulak tu.

So last night I had a baked bug for dinner. Tapi kecik sangat. Tak kenyang. So I still had to go downstairs later for some maggi tom yam with my family.

Perangkap

Yesterday I had a chat with one of my students. He told me a joke he heard from a friend. He liked it so much that he told almost everybody in class, me included.

-Madame when he story me I so funny. My eye water drop cannot stop.
-Owh. Eye water tu apa?
-Laaa madame. Ayaq mata la.
-Owh. Jadi kalau mata air nak panggil apa dalam bahasa Inggeris?
-Heheheh. Panggil marka. Ok bye madame!

As he was leaving I heard him telling his friend, "Hang tengok la madame cuba nak perangkap aku. Ingat aku tak tau ka?"

Anatomy 101 (pre-school edition)

Just now I made a short visit to the bank and bumped into a friend and her chatty son .One thing that I have come to realize is that this boy has somehow developped his linguistic skills far beyond his tender age. "Motormouth" doesn't even begin to describe him. My chatterbox niece pales in comparison.

And when you're in a bank waiting for your turn, the last thing you want is to have a kid bugging you with questions all the time. And loudly.

But he's super cute and adorable and he sat smack right next to me so what little hope I had for some peace and quiet was dashed anyway. Might as well yak with him.

So we chatted while his mommy played on her iPhone (grrr...) and he then told me that he wanted to grow up to be a big boy. Because he likes to play askar-askar. But sometimes he doesn't mind playing masak-masak as well.

-So when I play masak-masak kan auntie, I pretend to be a girl.
-Oh I see. So what's the difference between a girl and a boy?

He looked at me with a look that says "Don't tell me you don't know the answer to that question? Nak kata muda kalau masuk larian terbuka wanita dah kategori veteran dah."

-Girls are smaller than boys. And boys *pandang ke kiri dan ke kanan* ada birdy. Girls *whispers* ada flower.
-Ahhh. But you know sweetie, I'm taller than most boys I know.
-Yeahhh! I know! Auntie ada dua-dua. Birdy ada flower pun ada!

So you see ladies and gentlemen, in a split second my existence has been reduced to that of a hermaphroditic Gastropod.

And I left the bank 10 minutes later, leaving behind a trail of thick viscous slime.

My mud quota for this year

This was how I looked like when I came out of Gua Kelawar last Sunday. Covered from head to toe with mud.

Mud, mud and more mud.

When we were inside, we made a few rest breaks, during which we could have our light lunch if we wanted to. I did. But how? The whole body was covered in mud.

So, I took off my gloves, reached into my dry pack for a bun and bottled water. Then washed my grimy hands a bit. Then came the problem. Nowhere to wipe my hands. So I took off my helmet, wiped my hands on my headscarf, and started munching on my ikan bilis bun.

It's pitch dark anyway, so who cares?

Two days of walking, climbing, crawling and frolicking in guano and mud. In two caves.

Mud, mud and more mud.

But if it's to get a load of this majestic sight, isn't it all worth the bat poo? And who would've thought you can find this gem in Chemor. The town famous for tapioca a long time ago (my secondary school geography text book told me that).

Gua Kanthan pic courtesy of Steven ECLim.