Bubbles

My niece and I were in our room hanging out together but doing separate things. I was reading a book and she was having one of her role-playing moments with her toy Minions.

Sometimes hanging out just means being physically in the same room together.

Anyway I overheard her Minions' conversation.

Minion 1: Oh Grand Master I have prepared your jacuzzi for you. Just as you like it.

Minion 2: Good good. I hope you remember how I like my jacuzzi to be.

Minion 1: Yes Master. Without any water.

Jadi saya pun tanya la dia, kenapa jacuzzi tak ada air? Macamana nak rasa bubbles dia?

Dia jawab: "Oh you can just imagine the bubbles Mak Long."

I told her that no bubbles meant no fun then.

Then she replied: "Mak Long you don't need bubbles to be happy. It's all in the mind."

And I was like, betul jugak kan. Agak deep tu maksudnya.

...."And any way Mak Long, the Grand Master doesn't need water and bubbles for his jacuzzi. He's the INVISIBLE Grand Minion.''

Ohhhh apesal tak cakap awal-awal. Now it makes perfect sense.

Kad Terup

Mak Long: What are you doing with my handphone?
Aina: Main game.
Mak Long: Game apa tu?
Aina: Game kad terup.
Mak Long: I never have any card games in my phone.
Aina: Ada. Mak Long yang download.
Mak Long: Aina jangan tipu Mak Long tau.
Aina: Haih. Tak tipu la Mak Long. Game Cut The Rope. Cut. The. Rope.
Mak Long: Owh. *sengih*

Badang tak jadi

A few days ago my cat Momoi threw up the tuna and prawn broth he had for breakfast. And the most disgusting thing was that he sniffed his vomit and started licking it back.

I waited a while to look for any Badang effect tapi taka ada pun so I just shooed him away.

I told this to my vet when I brought Tina for her sub-cutaneous drip. Well apparently according to the vet, it is actually quite normal for a cat or dog to do so. For them regurgitated food is still good food. Then she went on to tell me about how her dogs would sometimes eat each other's vomit and I told her another story in which my cats would be so penggeli and refused to look at their poop after they do their business and my vet agreed and told me another dog story about how dogs would sometimes even eat cat poop. All this crap talk while waiting for Tina to be done with her drip.

When I was about to leave the consultation room Dr June said to me, "Do you realize that we were actually trying to outdo each other with vomit and poop stories?"

Outside, I said hello to another client who asked me what was wrong with Tina.

"Dr June and you looked so serious while you two were discussing just now."

Padahal cerita muntah dan poo-poo.

Pen istimewa

Early this morning I received a Whatsapp message from a student of mine.

Very early in the morning.

Like 5.18am early.

Which surprised me a bit. And worried me. Because if you received text messages or calls at odd hours it can mean several things:

1-Someone died.

2-Someone is in the hospital.

3-The message sender is a stalker.

Anyway I read the message and found myself rubbing my eyes to read it again clearly.

It read: "Bonjour madame. I think I left my penis in your office last week."

My office, by the way, is filled with student assignments yang berbagai-bagai at the moment. Each class has a different project. So now I have scale models of French monuments, fun facts posters about France, 2016 calendars (You want one? I got lots), brochures, mini magazines on France...

...but a penis? I would have noticed it right away. Trust me.

A few minutes later the student texted me again: "Madame I'm soooo sorry. Pen madame pen!"

I was about to reply when another text came in: "Itu la madame cakap melayu senang kan?"

Then another text message, the last one: "Eh tapi pen dalam BM dengan BI sama je ek?"

So I tried to get back to sleep. But couldn't. Because Momoi was already on the bed meowing at my face.

Oh well.

Kentang goreng

Tadi ada sekumpulan pelajar datang ke pejabat saya untuk tunjuk assignment progress. Selesai diskusi salah seorang daripada mereka bagi saya kentang goreng dalam semangkuk polisterin.

"Madame kami belikan madame potato wedgie ni. Beli kat cafe kat bawah. Bon appetit madame!"

"Sedap madame wedgie ni. Selalu gak kitaorang beli."

Dan entah kenapa tiba-tiba madame terus kurang selera nak makan potato wedgie.

Diary dialogues

My niece has a very active mind. She easily gets transported into some faraway land in a blink of an eye. Sometimes a ball pen can be a handsome prince trying to save the sharpener princess from the clutches of ze evil ruler monster. Sometimes a paper alien conducts English class to a group of safari animals. Sometimes my handphone delivers a thank you speech to my two cats.

Yesterday she was looking at a MARA yearly planner (I think; I was beside her playing Word Scramble) and as she was turning the pages, she created conversations between all the photos of politicians and public figures who were honored from January to December. 

"Assalamualaikum Datuk. Jangan lupa petang ni Datuk ada appointment dengan Datuk Onn Jaafar. Lepas tu Datuk ada dinner dengan Tan Sri Ghaffar Baba. Siapa? OH...saya tak pasti la Datuk...Tan Sri Ghaffar dari company mana tapiiii...yang saya pasti dia bukan tukang gunting rambut. Get it? Barber? Baba? Hahahaha. Oh okay I'm sorry if you didn't find it funny Datuk. Alaaa kita ni kannnn *sengau* hidup mesti la suka-suka...gembira...hepi-hepi leww *double sengau* bla bla bla"

Nampak tak pengaruh drama bersiri dalam dialog di atas?

Dengan sedikit unsur lawak budak darjah enam.

Di kafe Wak Dol

This afternoon for lunch I made sure I took only half a fist of rice. Since I plan on also eating some more rice tonight. Kan semua health guru cakap setiap hari kita boleh makan sengenggam nasi putih sahaja for lunch. Dan segenggam nasi lemak for breakfast. Dan segenggam lagi nasi beriyani for dinner.

OK joke joke.

Well anyway at the cashier the adik yang tengok lauk saya cakap yang saya makan sikit sangat. Saya cakap yang saya nak kurangkan berat badan.

Dia jawab buat apa. Kat kampung dia di mana entah di Indonesia agaknya kalau orang perempuan kurus sangat tak laku. Tak ada orang nak masuk meminang.

Jadi saya pun cakap kat dia oleh yang demikian berdasarkan penaakulan mantik kalau saya pergi ke kampung dia senang la saya cari jodoh.

Dia kata tidak barangkali.

"Sebab Akak tinggi sangat."

OK. Fine.

I might need to go to Finland then. Or Iceland.

Tapi masalahnya kat sana tak ada kicap Habhal. How?