Saman

Yesterday I went to the Kajang Police Station to settle all my summonses. When they announced the YES (Year End Sale) of 50% discount on all traffic offences, I knew I just had to go and pay up. Lagipun ini semua saman terkumpul dari 2002. Dan lagi satu faktor penggalak adalah surat amaran yang saya terima yang menyatakan jika semua saman-saman saya tidak dibayar nama saya akan disenaraihitamkan dan waran tangkap akan dikeluarkan. Kalau diperintah masuk mahkamah nanti saya tak tau baju apa nak pakai. Adakah saya perlu membeli rambut palsu bergulung warna putih tu? Yang macam di televisyen tu? How?

I had to wait for more than one hour before they finally called up my number. When I went to the counter to queue, ada seorang pakcik tua Cina datang menghampiri saya dan menunjukkan borangnya dan kemudian menuding jari ke arah kaunter. Tua betul pakcik tu. Bila saya tengok dia saya terus teringat pada pokok bonzai. Kemudian dia mengeluarkan sekeping kad dan menunjukkannya kepada saya juga. Kad OKU. Dia bercakap-cakap dalam bahasa Kantonis. Lelaki yang beratur di belakang saya jadi penterjemah. Agak cun lelaki tu. Tinggi dan botak. Pandai cakap melayu pula. Hai adalah jugak halwa mata. Bila fokus menjurus ke arah lain takde lah saya rasa macam nak pengsan sangat dalam bilik yang penuh sesak dengan segala jenis manusia. You want to experience the real 1Malaysia? Go to your nearest IPPD Trafik during the discount offer period.

In a matter of minutes the old man was done. He looked at me and spoke to me in Cantonese. Lama pulak tu. Sambil senyum dan angguk-angguk. Saya pun senyum-senyum dan angguk-angguk semula. And looked back at Mr UN Interpreter to help me with this last piece of translation.

"Ohhh...pakcik tu cakap terima kasih. Lepas tu dia suruh bagi nombor telefon awak kat mamat tinggi botak yang tolong translate ni.''

Wow. Really? I like. :)))

ATM

Just now during lunch break I went to take out some money at the ATM. I am tempted to write ATM machine but as you know ATM already stands for Automatic Teller Machine so adding the word machine at the end of ATM would be quite of a redundancy.

Well anyway, it was a long queue. A long, long, long queue. Al-maklumlah sempena akhir bulan ni semua orang riang ria gembira. Ditambah pulak dengan para pekerja kilang yang setiap seorang mahu mengeluarkan sejumlah wang bukan sahaja untuk dirinya tetapi untuk supervisor kilangnya, untuk isterinya, untuk kawan Nepalnya dan juga untuk Pak Lang di kampung. There should be a law enacted against these people who take out money for more than one person other than himself. Bukannya apa saya ni seorang yang sangat tinggi. Jadinya jantung saya perlu mengepam darah dengan lebih kuat lagi untuk memastikan oksigen sampai ke seluruh badan. Kalau lama sangat berdiri saya boleh pengsan.

Semasa sedang menunggu kedengaran suara seorang budak kecil berkata, "Ayah pompuan pakai baju biru tu tinggi betul." Aku dah tau dah itu mesti mengata aku. Saya buat-buat tak dengar.

Kemudian kedengaran ayahnya tergelak besar dan berkata, "Bukan tinggi tu. Dah panjang sangat."

Haiyo kiddo. Yo Daddy so dumb when the light is switched on in the room he thinks he just got a bright idea.

Feedjit

A few weeks ago I installed this little application called Feedjit. I took the free version of course (being the real cheapo that I am). It's a nifty little gadget that tracks the visitors of my blog. So if you've clicked to visit, my Feedjit will be fidgeting to tell me where you come from. Sometimes I see there are people from Bandar (most probably my colleagus or students here in Bangi), from KL, from Penang, from Kuching, from Johor Bharu. Mungkin mereka semua rakan-rakan SMSS saya. And it's wonderful to know that I do get readers from other parts of the world as well.

Take for example:

-Tokyo, Japan: My friend Yuhana?
-Fort Illinois, Colorado : My Aunty Leha?
-Illinois, Chicago: Err..my Aunty Leha again?
-Manchester: My PhD friend?
-Birmingham: My other PhD friend?
-Dover: Err...my same PhD friend but signing in from another computer?

OK OK so maybe not many people read my blog. But hey you know what I have my own personal KPI. If I can make at least 5 people smile a day when they read Papillon Putih that is for me quite an achievement. I hope to touch the lives of others in my own wacky way. You could be one of my colleagus, my students, my friends, my family members. Or just an errant blog hopper who happened to stumble upon my writings. We might not keep in contact all the time but I hope this could be one of tho ways we can "keep in touch". Figuratively, of course. Heheheh.

So thanks again for reading guys. Ada la rasa berbaloi sikit menulis bila ada orang yang membaca. Kalau saya yang tulis saya yang baca macam syok sendiri pulak. Tak kisah la baca sebab suka saya atau baca sebab tak suka saya. At least I've made an impact. It's better than having made none at all.

Tong Bak

The day my muay thai fitness instructor asks me to wear the head protective gear that you see at the background of the photo, I know I'm in deep shit. But those hot pink gloves of mine are pretty cute eh?

Sekarang ni pun baru disuruh buat jab-cross-hook-elbow pun dah termengah-mengah. By the time kena buat roundhouse kick I am asking for my oxygen tank.

And the worst part is that I just discovered that I had signed up for 25 sessions and I have 22 more classes to go! This is what happens when you sign up for a class because you got attracted to the "Free trip to Bali" offer (which I still have yet to redeem with my girlfriend).

But at least the good thing is that now at least mau tak mau suka tak suka ada la jugak sekali seminggu bersenam dan mengeluarkan peluh. Teruk kena belasah tu lain cerita la. Nasib baik my trainer is someone with a good sense of humour. Kalau tak tu lagi teruk aku kena. Mana taknya baru 10 minit into the session dah lari ke kerusi berdekatan. Where got road like that. He is forever negotiating with me. "OK kak. Boleh lagi kak. Bangun kak! Cepat!". Dulu masa adik saya baru belajar berenang saya selalu gelakkan dia. Dia selalu malas prektis berenang. My mum would shout from across the pool to ask him to do his strokes. And he would shout back "Tak nak! Nanti mati lemas!". Now I am doing exactly the same thing. But at 40 I don't think it's something adorable and cute. Mungkin by now my trainer feels like throwing me out of the window.

And another good thing is that we have discovered a very nice makan place opposite the muay thai studio. While I was cycling on the stationary bike last Saturday, tengok-tengok luar tingkap ternampak sebuah rumah yang ditukarkan menjadi restoran. Turned out to be the Kokopelli Traveller's Bistro that serves good food with a great ambiance. Just the perfect place to chill and relax selepas aktiviti menumbuk.

See? Life ain't that bad. You let yourself be thrown into the ring, take a few punches and you get back up again and look a little further beyond. There's a nice hot bowl of beef noodle soup waiting for you just around the corner.

Absolutely lovely :)

What was that again?

Early this morning I sms-ed a friend and told her ''Weh malam tadi aku mimpi best ar.'' I recall this as the sent message is still in my handphone and hasn't been deleted yet.

And just now during breakfast as I was spreading Nutella on my white bread (boleh kalau nak guna wholemeal tapi kick tak sama) my friend called up to ask me what the mimpi best was.

My reply? ''Aku mimpi aku pergi.''

(pause)

''Oi pergi mana oi?''

(pause)

''Ntah.''
''Hampeh la kau. Dah tak ingat la tu. Rugi duit tepon aku je tanya.''

Click. Toot toot toot toot.

Well that's my problem nowadays. I can't seem to remember anything. Sometimes I open the fridge door and stare inside for minutes, not knowing what I was looking for. Sometimes at the office I leave the room and at the corridor I start to wonder where my short walk is heading to. A few weeks before the end of the semester I went to class and started writing on the board and then go straight to oral Q&A with students before realizing that none of them were mine. Saya sudah silap masuk kelas.

But the cherry on top of the cake was last night. On the way home I stopped by a petrol kiosk and there I met one of my tuition teachers during school days. I knew the old man looked so familiar so when I bumped into him at the convenience store I greeted him.

''Assalamualaikum cikgu Khamis. Saya dulu tuition dengan cikgu.''

He looked at me and smiled and told me that he no longer does tuition classes. Cuma duduk rumah jaga cucu.

I left the petrol station feeling mighty pleased with myself for having met one of my old cikgus until I remembered that his name was actually cikgu Jumaat. Saya sudah silap hari da.

Haiyah. All this extra fat under my skin is probably befuddling my brain as well.

Fat transfer is a slow but sure process

Kadang-kadang dalam suratkhabar ada pertandingan teka gambar kan? Misalnya ada gambar terkumpul perlawanan takraw dan kita dikehendaki meneka di manakah kedudukan sebenar bola takraw di dalam gambar dengan memangkah X yang besar.

Cuba lihat gambar di atas. Ia adalah gambar untuk pertandingan meneka "Muka siapakah yang paling banyak membulat sepanjang bekerja di MFI." Dan saya rasa pemenangnya adalah wanita yang duduk di hadapan, yang bertudung oren dan cuba untuk menutup perutnya dengan menyilangkan kedua-dua belah tangannya itu.

15 tahun dahulu semasa mula menjejakkan kaki ke Bangi saya masih lagi kedengking. Tinggi, kurus dan leper. Kadang-kadang nampak macam papan plywood. Kadang-kadang dari sudut lain nampak macam batang paip yang bertelinga dan berspek. Tinggi 5'11". Pinggang berukuran 26". Berat badan 60 kg. Can you just imagine that? And wearing a B cup.

For my French test, a B would be "above average but still not excellent." But for a bra size, it would just be categorized as "Boleh la." Kalau A lagi kesian: "Alamak itu je ke?"

Throughout the years somehow fat accumulation has started to make a difference. A vast difference. Dulu saya seorang yang kedekut. Lapisan lemak saya cukup untuk saya seorang sahaja. And they are nicely distributed everywhere in my body in very good proportions.

But with age I've become a lot more generous and giving as I have so much more extra layers of fat to be shared and distributed around. They are hanging out as muffin tops, as spare tyres, as chubby cheeks. If you look at my picture up there, it looks as if I was munching on a few strawberry tartlets when they decided to snap a photo.

Now I am at least 10 kg heavier. And the graph doesn't look like it's plateau-ing any time soon. Tak apa lah. At least I can take comfort in the fact that I have changed from "Boleh la" to "Delicious" or "Ehem-ehem are those real?" (OK OK joke). Itu sahaja la consolation saya.

Tapi apa-apa pun I thank God for having mercy on me. Walaupun saya sudah naik 10 kg, namun disebabkan ketinggian saya yang melampau (yang dahulunya menjadi bahan ejekan semasa di sekolah menengah) sekurang-kurangnya saya masih lagi boleh "cover line".

Can you imagine if I was 70 kg and only 5' tall? Setiap kali berjalan pasti akan keluar percikan api. Sebab peha bergesel.

Adventure in Dinoland

This is my niece with some of her toy dinosaurs. Yesterday we did a search and rescue mission. She provided the dialogue and action. I was only allowed to do the sound effects. Ever wondered how a T-Rex sounded like when angry? Or the growling of a Brontosaurus on an empty stomach? Your guess is as good as mine.

Well anyway problem started in Dinoland when several dinosaurs slipped and nearly fell of a steep cliff.

-Bruno! We're in trouble! Jack! If we don't get help we'll all fall down and die!

(Mak Long asking Aina: Na kenapa dinosaur awak ni semua nama orang putih?
Aina's reply: Ini dinosaur Playhouse Disney.
And when I took this picture, she asked me to take include her foot as well so that ''people will know these are just toys dinosaurs and not the real big giant ones.)

Then the hero of the story arrived when he heard Jack and Bruno's cry for help.

-Randall! We're here! Come and pull us up!

(Gila ah hero nama Randall. In my fantasy world Randall would be the name of a mouse or the postman.)


-Hang on to my tail guys! I'll try my best to pull you up! Oh no! You guys are so heavy! Don't know if I have enough strength!

(At this point Atuk knocked at the door and asked everyone to come down for lunch, something which dramatically changed the ending of this mission.)

-Kapow! Oh no! Randall couldn't take the weight Mak Long! He fell off the cliff with all his friends! Can we go and eat now? I'm hungry. But don't worry Mak Long. They will make a comeback. You'll see.

Thus ended the story of Randal and his botched rescue mission simply because the storyteller/omniscient narrator/scriptwriter/stunt director still has not discovered the phrase "to be continued".

Fuh. Budak kecik umur 7 tahun dah pandai guna perkataan "comeback". Terpegun aku. When I was that age I was busy trying to sing and impersonate Marie Osmond. Ha ha ha.