Friday, April 15, 2011

Minggu peperiksaan di sekolah

Berpuluh-puluh tahun yang lalu semasa saya bersekolah di Kg Konggo, waktu yang paling digeruni adalah pada waktu peperiksaan. Waktu nombor dua paling digeruni adalah masa terjaga malam untuk buang air kecil. Seram nak berjalan ke tandas di hujung koridor. Jangan main-main hantu kat Kampung Konggo ada banyak buat efek bunyi. Kadang-kadang dia buat bunyi seret selipar, kadang-kadang dia buat bunyi seret rantai besi. Kadang-kadang dia buat bunyi kuda (itu hantu sekolah menengah teknik kat sebelah pagar sekolah kami).

Masa tu konsep toyol masih lagi belum dipraktikkan secara berleluasa, atau saya je yang mungkin terlalu poyo.

Semasa minggu peperiksaan juga, semua pasangan-pasangan romantika de amora yang cinta mereka diduga dan menghampiri keruntuhan akan "put on hold" segala rancangan yang akan membawa kepada tragedi "kasih tak sampai ke penghujung". Alasan yang diberi? "Abang tak boleh la kalau kita break sekarang ni. Nanti takleh konsentret."

Hampeh.

Saya masih ingat lagi ada satu ketika semasa sedang menduduki peperiksaan akhir penggal, kawan saya yang duduk di sebelah saya cuba memanggil saya. Cikgu yang menjaga pulak cikgu yang paling garang. Hati saya berbelah bahagi. Kalau tak layan nanti dia merajuk taknak belanja saya nasi daging kicap lagi. Tapi kalau saya tolong dia dan kena tangkap, menjawab saya nanti.

-Psssttt. Yati! (nada berbisik walapun ada tanda seru)
-Psssttt...
-Apa?
-Ko ada tak?
-Gila ko. Kantoi nanti tak pasal.

-Syyyhhh!!!! Nurhayati!

Errkk. Cikgu sudah bagi amaran pertama.

Beberapa minit kemudian.

-Psstt..
-Apehal ko ni? (Naik juling mata saya. Mata kanan pandang kawan saya. Mata kiri tengok-tengokkan cikgu yang menjaga peperiksaan.)
-Ko ada tak?
-Ader aperrr......
-Minyak cap kapak.

Saya terlupa. Kawan saya yang duduk sebelah saya ni suka hidu minyak cap kapak. Itu mungkin satu alternatif yang lebih sihat dari menghidu gam dan tidak menyalahi undang-undang.

Pengajaran dari cerita ini?
Jangan buruk sangka.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

SMS

This morning I received an sms from one of my students that read "Bonjour madame sekarang ada jual2 souvenir ni utk lecturer. Madame nak tak todibear?"

As I was trying to type out my reply to him I got another sms.

"Sori madame tadebear."

Kecik hati madame. Dari todi langsung takde :-)))

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Kucing main telefon

A few days ago one of my cats got hold of my hand phone, played with it, and plonked himself right on top of it, his fat tummy covering it and went to sleep. He didn't even budge when the phone rang and vibrated as I tried calling my number. Malah dia cuba menggigit jari saya tatkala percubaan menyeluk tangan ke bawah perutnya dilakukan dalam misi menyelamat telefon bimbit saya.

As a result of Hitam's playfulness, quite a number of my friends called me up to ask why I called them several times. And I had to repeat the same story over and over again.

This morning, as I was getting prepared for work, my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number. Usually it would be one of my students.

-Hello?
-Hello? Ini nombor siapa? You ada telefon?
-Sorry, salah nombor.

I couldn't possibly explain to a complete stranger that my black cat sudah buat hal.

-Nanti, nanti. Ini siapa?
-Salah nombor ni. Sorry.
-Ohhh. Adik manisss. Sudah kawin ka?

Damn. How many million handphone users are there in Malaysia? And how many of them are available Malaysian bachelors within the 40-45 year old range? So why is it that my fat cat would have to accidently dial the number of a Bangladeshi then?

Can someone please explain this to me? I'm in the dark.

No pun intended.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

The blind date turned deaf and mute

OK here's another weird story. This week will be a week of freakish blog postings. This story is a bit longer than my usual two or three paragraphs of rambling so please bear with me.

A month ago a few of my friends invited me out for dinner, during which they introduced me to a guy and left us to "enjoy" the rest of the evening together. Kira macam blind date la.

The next day this guy told my matchmaking friends that he doesn't want to go on a second date with me anymore because he thinks I am not funny.

Okaayy...

Well anyway a few weeks later the same guy texted me to ask me out. I said no. He insisted. I told him to stop harassing me. He still continued texting me. He even said that I would be lucky if someone would ask me out because quote: "you tu dah tua". Unquote.

I informed my matchmaking friends about this. They dealt with it. A few days later nightmare guy sms-ed me to apologize.

But he still asked me out.

Some of my friends gave me a few tips on how to get rid of Mr Blind Date From Hell.
a) Look for his car and spray paint BACK OFF in pink.
b) Ask him to take you out to the most expensive restaurant and then at the end of the meal tell him you're a lesbian.
c) Go make a police report and get a restraining order.

I didn't do any of the above.

Then a few days ago, I was having a meal with a girlfriend and we were discussing about this ordeal and were weighing the three options when Whoosh! out of nowhere Mr BDFH appeared and walked in front of us. He saw us at our table and headed straight towards us, smiling and saying hello. And asked me out again.

Then my girlfriend unexpectedly pulled me to her, looked at him straight in the eye and told him to back off. "She's my girl.", katanya. And planted one big kiss on my cheek.

Mr BDFH looked at us in disgust, geleng kepala, and left.

His last parting sms informed me that he never wanted to see me again. That I was anyway too tall and not pretty.

Saya pun lepas tu geleng kepala. It felt strange being kissed on a cheek by a 150cm girl who claimed to be my boyfriend.

It almost felt like dating a midget.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The funniest joke on earth

What happens when the person who most probably hates you the most in this whole wide world decides to send a request to be "friends" with you on Facebook?

You stare at the screen for a while, try to figure out the rationale and when you come to realize that there is none, you just laugh your ass off.

Paranoia is an ugly disease. It plays evil tricks on your mind. It can make a person do many stupid things.

I have long moved on. I suggest you do the same.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Nak apa?

This morning I had to go to the bank and at the ATM I met a friend who was with the her cute and adorable 4 year-old boy. So cute he reminds me of Mort from Madagascar 2 and I think he's secretly in love with me too because every time he sees me he will shout out my name on top of his lungs and run to me and plant one big wet sloppy kiss on my cheek. Amacam, penat tak baca ayat yang tak ada tanda koma ni?

Well anyway after yakking for a few minutes her queue number was called and I volunteered to take care of little kiddo and her bags.

So while waiting for his mom, we played set-set-set-bom-bom-bom-yes sir-no sir-one-two-jus! and we were at our fourth round when cute boy said to me loudly:

-Aunty nak pookie!

Everyone at the bank looked at us and smiled. For once I was stumped for words. Apa benda la nak jawab kat budak ni?

-Abang nak apa tadi? Nak makan ye?
-Abang nak pookie? Boleh tak Aunty?

Her mother looked back and saw the flabbergasted look on my face and calmly told her son:

-Bukan pookie sayang. Cookie. Mintak tolong Aunty ambikkan dalam beg Mama.

Kus semangat. Berdebar jugak aku.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Dream

Last night I dreamed that I entered into this room in a building I've never been to before. The moment I entered the room, everything went dark and I couldn't see a thing. I started to panic and quickly left the room and ran back to my bedroom. Then I realized that it was all a dream and found my way back out of that place. I could hear myself thinking, "Oh Yati tadi masa tiba-tiba gelap tak nampak apa-apa tu mimpi ngeri je. Rilek la." And felt relieved that I had woken up.

Then I heard the alarm of my hand phone beeping and woke up. At that moment I realized that in my dream, I realized that I had been dreaming and thought I had snapped out of it, when in reality I was still sleeping.

Jika kita kupas dan kupas dan kupas lagi, agak-agaknya how many layers of the human psyche can we find?