Taklimat Pendaftaran Tingkatan 1

Today is my niece's registration for Form 1 at her new school. From 8-30am-10.30am all the parents are seated in the Hall to listen to 4 taklimats: from the HM, the penolong kanan HEA, the penolong kanan HEP and the penolong kanan for the afternoon session.

Halfway through the second taklimat, my mind started wandering. The Hal Ehwal Akademik teacher was explaining about sistem PBS, KBAT, Nilam, PT3, pentaksiran sumatif/formatif etc etc etc. His voice started to sound more and more distant. My eyes started to lose focus and my head started to bobble right and left as sleep took over.

Then the lady seated on my left tapped me on the shoulder and asked softly: "Cikgu tu dok cakap pasal Lembaga Peperiksaan. Lembaga Peperiksaan apa?"

I told her, "Hantu Peperiksaan tu."

She stared at me for at least 15 seconds and smiled.

"You ngantuk eh. Bertabahlah ye ada 2 taklimat lagi."

Ya! Bertabah! And my glassy eyes started to focus on the slides again.

Selamba je

🔸Itu la Madame, susah sekarang nak apply buat practical kat company-company sekarang. Banyak yang dah tak terima.
🔹Ye la kan? Tapi awak jangan putus asa. Kena hantar lagi resume ke syarikat-syarikat lain.
🔸Saya dah hantar banyak sangat. Tak takde jawapan lagi. Ada member saya sorang tu rilek-rilek. Selamba je.
🔹Ha awak jangan pulak ikut dia.
🔸Nak ikut macamana saya apply tak dapat.
🔹Awak cakap dia selamba je. Nanti leklu-leklu sangat kang apa pun tak dapat.
🔸Madame! Kan saya cakap...dia tu selamba je.
🔹So that's not a good thing!
🔸Haih. Schlumberger Madame. Schlumberger.
🔹Oh! Heheheh. Ok.

Bubbles

My niece and I were in our room hanging out together but doing separate things. I was reading a book and she was having one of her role-playing moments with her toy Minions.

Sometimes hanging out just means being physically in the same room together.

Anyway I overheard her Minions' conversation.

Minion 1: Oh Grand Master I have prepared your jacuzzi for you. Just as you like it.

Minion 2: Good good. I hope you remember how I like my jacuzzi to be.

Minion 1: Yes Master. Without any water.

Jadi saya pun tanya la dia, kenapa jacuzzi tak ada air? Macamana nak rasa bubbles dia?

Dia jawab: "Oh you can just imagine the bubbles Mak Long."

I told her that no bubbles meant no fun then.

Then she replied: "Mak Long you don't need bubbles to be happy. It's all in the mind."

And I was like, betul jugak kan. Agak deep tu maksudnya.

...."And any way Mak Long, the Grand Master doesn't need water and bubbles for his jacuzzi. He's the INVISIBLE Grand Minion.''

Ohhhh apesal tak cakap awal-awal. Now it makes perfect sense.

Kad Terup

Mak Long: What are you doing with my handphone?
Aina: Main game.
Mak Long: Game apa tu?
Aina: Game kad terup.
Mak Long: I never have any card games in my phone.
Aina: Ada. Mak Long yang download.
Mak Long: Aina jangan tipu Mak Long tau.
Aina: Haih. Tak tipu la Mak Long. Game Cut The Rope. Cut. The. Rope.
Mak Long: Owh. *sengih*

Badang tak jadi

A few days ago my cat Momoi threw up the tuna and prawn broth he had for breakfast. And the most disgusting thing was that he sniffed his vomit and started licking it back.

I waited a while to look for any Badang effect tapi taka ada pun so I just shooed him away.

I told this to my vet when I brought Tina for her sub-cutaneous drip. Well apparently according to the vet, it is actually quite normal for a cat or dog to do so. For them regurgitated food is still good food. Then she went on to tell me about how her dogs would sometimes eat each other's vomit and I told her another story in which my cats would be so penggeli and refused to look at their poop after they do their business and my vet agreed and told me another dog story about how dogs would sometimes even eat cat poop. All this crap talk while waiting for Tina to be done with her drip.

When I was about to leave the consultation room Dr June said to me, "Do you realize that we were actually trying to outdo each other with vomit and poop stories?"

Outside, I said hello to another client who asked me what was wrong with Tina.

"Dr June and you looked so serious while you two were discussing just now."

Padahal cerita muntah dan poo-poo.

Pen istimewa

Early this morning I received a Whatsapp message from a student of mine.

Very early in the morning.

Like 5.18am early.

Which surprised me a bit. And worried me. Because if you received text messages or calls at odd hours it can mean several things:

1-Someone died.

2-Someone is in the hospital.

3-The message sender is a stalker.

Anyway I read the message and found myself rubbing my eyes to read it again clearly.

It read: "Bonjour madame. I think I left my penis in your office last week."

My office, by the way, is filled with student assignments yang berbagai-bagai at the moment. Each class has a different project. So now I have scale models of French monuments, fun facts posters about France, 2016 calendars (You want one? I got lots), brochures, mini magazines on France...

...but a penis? I would have noticed it right away. Trust me.

A few minutes later the student texted me again: "Madame I'm soooo sorry. Pen madame pen!"

I was about to reply when another text came in: "Itu la madame cakap melayu senang kan?"

Then another text message, the last one: "Eh tapi pen dalam BM dengan BI sama je ek?"

So I tried to get back to sleep. But couldn't. Because Momoi was already on the bed meowing at my face.

Oh well.

Kentang goreng

Tadi ada sekumpulan pelajar datang ke pejabat saya untuk tunjuk assignment progress. Selesai diskusi salah seorang daripada mereka bagi saya kentang goreng dalam semangkuk polisterin.

"Madame kami belikan madame potato wedgie ni. Beli kat cafe kat bawah. Bon appetit madame!"

"Sedap madame wedgie ni. Selalu gak kitaorang beli."

Dan entah kenapa tiba-tiba madame terus kurang selera nak makan potato wedgie.