Girl talk

The other day my niece was telling me about some pretty amazing stuff.

-Mak Long do you know that humans have eggs?

-Really ?

-Yup. The nurse told us in school this morning. Girls and women have eggs. And when the eggs don't become babies, they go out as period.

-Ohhh. So do men have eggs?

-Tak ada la Mak Long. Mana boleh. Orang lelaki tak boleh lahirkan baby. Tak boleh period.

-Jadi tak ada la?

-Tak ada!!! Orang lelaki tak ada keluar darah. Orang lelaki tak ada telur la.

See guys? Jangan la nak berlagak macho sangat hokeh; kalau tak ada telur jangan nak cakap banyak.

Battlestar Galactikar

When I was in primary school, we lived in Petaling Jaya, in SS2/4. At that time it was pretty much OK for us to play with friends freely without parents having to really think about any lurking dangers. Somehow at that time serial rapists or paedophiliacs or kidnappers did not exist. Not even on TV as well since all we had was science fiction and fantasy. Saya selalu berangan nak ada bulu kening telur lipas macam Maya dalam siri Battlestar Galactica. Original series please. Circa 1978.

Well anywayyyy that's not the real issue here. The nostalgic reference is made as an intro to the real story, which is the crush I had on a boy when I was living on that street. Masa tu saya rasa dialah budak lelaki yang paling cun sekali. Bila dia lalu depan rumah naik basikal chopper dia, saya terus lari ke pintu pagar dan sengih-sengih. Bila saya tengok dia, saya terus teringat kepada pelakon Richard Hatch yang jadi Captain Apollo dalam Battlestar Galactica.

Nak tahu kenapa saya rasa budak lelaki ni hensem sangat?

Sebab dia sorang je yang sikat rambut middle parting. Dan bila dia speeding naik basikal chopper rambut dia mengerbang ditiup angin.

Budak-budak lelaki lain semuanya rambut side parting yang sangat lurus (macam bila sikat guna pembaris). Dan rambut pulak berminyak sebab Mak suruh letak brylcreem. Kalau diaorang kena gantung terbalik pun rambut masih melekat di kepala. Eeeww.

Again I digress.

One day my mother was mopping the floor and since she didn't want me to be anywhere near the floor surface area that was to be cleaned I was shooed outside to play. Geng sebelah rumah pulak tak ada. Terpaksalah main sorang-sorang. Belek kereta sorong, belek basikal, main teng-teng, upgrade skill batu seremban...Bila dah lama berjemur tu mulalah saya rasa dahaga. Hajat di hati nak masuk rumah bukak fridge tapi teringat pulak mak cakap jangan masuk nanti tapak kaki penuh satu rumah. Dalam fridge ada air ais. Tapi jalan menuju ke sana penuh dengan onak duri. Dan ada dragon besar tengah mop lantai.

So I did what any normal 70s kid would do. I went to the nearest water tap, turned it on, picked up the rubber hose dan togok air paip. Gluk gluk gluk.

And it was also at that time that Richard Hatch wannabe passed by my house and saw me on the ground, bercangkung, tangan kanan tengah pegang rubber hose dan cuba mendapatkan angle yang paling baik untuk menogok air, tangan kiri tengah adjust water tap untuk mendapatkan optimum water volume.

Dia berhenti mengayuh. Dia tengok je apa saya buat. Saya pun tengok je dia berhenti depan rumah. Sambil terkebil-kebil.

Saya tutup paip dan lambai-lambai padanya.

Dia senyum, betulkan rambut middle parting dan terus beredar. Macam nak cepat je saya tengok.

Kemudian dari dalam rumah saya dengar mak saya jerit tanya kenapa ada sudu kecik dalam tin Milo. Ala kantoi la pulak.

Cough cough who's there?

I have been coughing for the past two weeks. I have consumed all the meds prescribed to me by the doctor but the cough is still bugging me so somehow the bacteria (because there are millions of them; if there was only one measly one it would be called bacterium but that's another topic entirely) has managed to dodge all attempts at tussive annihilation which include an arsenal of cough syrup, mouth and throat gargle, lozenges and the apparently not so kick-ass antibiotics.

So today nak tak nak I had to google up for natural cough remedies. I can't be ingesting any more cough syrup. And I have a few options:

1) The juice of 3-4 limes + 1 teaspoon of honey + 1/4 cup of warm water (once a day)

2) The juice of 3-4 limes + 4 tablespoons of soy sauce (3 times a week before going to bed)

3) 1 teaspoon of honey (every morning)

4) Tea or hot lemon water with some honey

5) Drink a little blackcurrant cordial (I'm not sure how much is little though)

6) 1 tablespoon of dried thyme + 1 cup of hot water

7) Peel and chop 6 medium onions and put them with 4 tablespoons of honey into a bowl set over a pan of boiling water (or double boiler). Cover and simmer for 2 hours. Strain the mixture and take 1 tablespoon every 2 or 3 hours.

And I realize that certain conditions trigger my cough:

1) Heat

2) Stress

3) Active movements of any kind

So for the time being I will try to self hypnotize into believing that I am a giant female hairy three-toed sloth who has no other care in this world except sleep and relax.

But this damn cough keeps waking me up from my arboreal dreams.

SSUK 13

One week ago we had our staff uni games and our institute won *drum roll* gold for netball. Happy OK selama sebulan sebelum kejohanan kami turun berlatih di sebelah pagi atau petang. Berpanas terik dan berpeluh ketiak.

Tetapi alhamdulillah berbaloi. As I'm writing this post I can feel the weight of the gold medal hanging on my neck. My mum tells me to take it off once in a while. Sebab saya tinggi takut bila keluar rumah senang kena panah petir.

Well anyway enough with the gloating. The other main issue is that I have now the face of a golliwog. Pakai sunblock cream yang paling power pun tidak bisa menghalang proses pigmentasi berganda. Everybody, and I do mean every single person who saw me either at the corridor or at the cafeteria or at the toilet made the remark.

-Muka akak dah hitam!

-Wah! Tan sungguh!

-Kak main netball tengahari ke kak? (Ini ayat konar nampak macam tak nak ngutuk tapi bisanya tetap ku rasa)

-Ni lama ni nak putih balik.

Dan yang paling siut sekali:

-Ye la akak kan tinggi, akak la yang paling cepat muka hitam. (apa ko ingat aku ni tiang pemancar ke dek non oi)

So I have made it a personal mission to sekatakan semula tona warna kulit muka yang buat masa ini sungguh tak sekata. Sekarang saya seperti memakai topeng hitam yang melekat di muka saya. And if I take my glasses off, nampak macam saya pakai safety goggle yang pelajar welding saya pakai di bengkel. So from now on until Eid, no more netball (I need to rest my left knee anyway), jauhkan diri dari apa-apa yang memberi pancaran UV, kalau jalan kat tengah panas kena pakai payung, dan tenyehlah apa-apa yang patut ke muka. People say banana peel is good. I've yet to try it.

And if we need to meet for coffee, kita pergi tempat makan yang ada aircond ok?

Student absent memang power!

The other day in class I was filling in the attendance form and looked around to see if everyone was present. I noticed that some of them were not around. But couldn't really pinpoint who. So I asked the students.

-Who is absent today?
-X madame! (nama sebenar dirahsiakan)
-Ohhh...ok I cannot recall which one...how does he look like?
-Alaaaa madame...yang bapak dia power tuuu...
-Huh?

Bapak dia power? Apa kena-mengena dengan aku?

-Ok what's his full name?
-Heheheh madame kan kitaorang dah cakap...bapak dia powerrrr...
-Hei kamu jangan main-main dengan nama bapak orang. Kena panah petir nanti tau.
-Ye la madame. We are telling you the truth la madame.

I looked at the student namelist. Nama bapa pelajar tersebut Pawa rupanya.

OK my bad.

A/C

I am now at kedai Ah Poh, our most trusted car mechanic. We've known him since he was just a pomen at the age of 18. Now I think he's around 56. He looks that age. He entered the small cubicle office to rest for a while and chat with her wife and I. Michelle's in charge of accounts. Sedang seronok berborak (berkenaan ayam sunat dan resipi ayam steam) tiba-tiba seorang Andy Lau versi 25 tahun mengetuk pintu dan masuk. "Aircond kereta saya sudah rosak la.". Katanya dalam bahasa Kantonis. Michelle tolong terjemah. Ah Poh went to AL's car and asked him, "Ada pasang ka?". AL jawab ya. Selalunya bila dia pasang enjin aircond akan terpasang secara automatik. Tapi hari ini tidak. Selepas adiknya menggunakan keretanya pagi tadi. Ah Poh asked him, "Lu ada tekan butang aircond tak?". And pressed on the A/C button. Then cold air blew out from the vents. AL thanked him and drove off. Ah Poh looked at us and said, "Ini macam punya orang ah you sembahyang sama Buddha 50 tahun pun tada guna wo. Itu otak kasi taruk simpan dalam glove compartment." Wah. Bila mekanik berleter metafora yang digunakan pun berunsur kereta!

Buying lunch at the cafe

Just now I went to the cafeteria to buy my lunch. Very sedap by the way alhamdulillah I had some rice with fried chicken and tempe goreng sambal and nenas masak lemak. While making my selection of food, a student came up to me and greeted me.

-Assalamualaikum madam.

-Waalaikumussalam. Bonjour. How are you?

-I'm OK madam. Errr madame are you teaching Diploma this semester?

-Yes.

-Oh OK. I want to ask you some questions la madam. Saya tak paham.

-Ok sure. I'm in room A004.

-Thank you madam. Saya ni bangsa ketegaq, bila belajaq pun lambat masuk.

-Errr ok. Are you in French 1 or 2?

-French 1. Apa kena-mengena madam?

-Dah awak kata nak tanya soalan tadi?

-Ya Allah madam ni madam Yati ajaq French kaaa...mati-mati saya ingat madam Yati maths. Sorry madam!

And he sped off.

And I continued choosing my food, went to the counter to pay, and went back to my office.

Kalau makan tengahari di ofis seronok sedikit. Ada kawan. Tapi yang paling penting ada aircond. Sejuk!

Hijabista yang tak bervista

A few days ago I decided to try out a new way of wearing the hijab. You know the style that demands wrapping the selendang around your head with the use of several brooches or pins to keep it in place (the selendang on the head, not the head on the neck). I saw several friends donning it this way and I said to myself it shouldn't be a difficult ting to do. Bah! Lain kali kalau nak ke tempat kerja pukul 8 saya perlu bangun pukul 4.30 pagi. Aktiviti melilit ini bukanlah untuk pemakai amatur seperti saya.

Well anyway on that day during lunch time I went to a furniture shop to have a look at some shoe racks and cabinets. Which I still haven't bought and ought to. Then while browsing around the shop I got a call from a friend I haven't seen for quite some time asking me out for lunch. I was so happy and agreed immediately. I got into my car and drove off to the place of rendez-vous.

On the way on this particular road there was a police road block. I was thinking maybe there was an escaped convict from Penjara Kajang and now everyone is on the manhunt for this pembunuh bersiri. But as I got closer I was flagged down and pulled to the side. Oh. Akukah pembunuh bersiri tersebut?

I opened the car door and asked the policeman what was wrong with my car (hari tu selepas kereta saya dihempap pokok saya cat kereta putih dan tak beritahu pihak JPJ lagi lantas saya berasa agak cemas). 

He said: "Akak tak pakai seat belt."

And it dawned upon me that in my super excitement to see my friend I had just started the car and driven off like some mad crazy woman. And didn't put on my seat belt not because I don't make it a habit to (sayalah orang paling skema sekali dalam bab-bab pemakaian tali pinggang keledar ini, sehinggakan kalau nak drive dari blok A ke blok D di MFI ini pun saya akan mengenakannya) BUT because of the lilitan selendang around me that made me a little confused and made me think that I had put it on.

Urgh.

He said to me: "Kak mintak lesen kak."

I handed it to him.

He told me: "Kak ini kad Bank Islam."

Double Urgh.

Then he walked around the car and let me off.

"Lain kali pakai seat belt ye kak."

"Ye bang." and blew him a kiss.

NOT.

"Baik Encik. Terima kasih. Assalamualaikum."

Pakai seat belt. Memandu secara berhemah.

Ada beberapa kemungkinan mengapa saya dilepaskan begitu sahaja oleh abang polis tersebut:

1) Dia kesian tengok kereta saya yang sudah uzur dan rickety.

2) Dia nampak pelekat UniKL MFI dan bagi chance sebab saya cikgu.

3) Dia tengok lilitan tudung ala Hana Tajima saya lebih mirip Hana Tercekik dan mahu saya bergegas ke tandas berdekatan untuk membetulkannya.

4) Dia memang chop saya makcik blur yang bila diminta lesen memandu memberi kad ATM Bank Islam.

Well anyway, en tout cas, merci beaucoup monsieur le policier! I love you lah! :)