It's a strange world

This morning on my way to work I stopped by a convenience store to top up my T&G card. The store is the one that opens 24 hours and whose name starts with the number (5+2=?) and followed by a hyphen and ends with the number after 10 but spelled out. Haaaa sudah dapat? Bagus.

The boy at the cashier looked bored right out of his skull. Most probably he was impatient to wait for his shift to end. The girl who just came in to replace him also wasn't smiling and put on the most sour face that a person can possibly have. I smiled and said hi to her. She totally ignored me. I asked her kenapa masam sangat dik pagi-pagi ni? She denied and told me mana ada! So I took a bottle of soya bean out from the big fridge and put it right beside her at the counter. At the end of 5 minutes, it curdled and changed into tofu. I showed it to her. Just to prove my point. She didn't find it amusing. At all. Not only does she lack zygomatic muscles, she also doesn't share my sense of humour. Oh well.

After topping up my toll card, I went to my car and found a big black cat waiting for me at the car. He beckoned me near and informed me of my clothing mishap. Kenapa? Zip kain terbukak ke? Si hitam berbulu menunjuk ke arah lengan baju kurung saya. Lengan kiri. Saya tengok dekat-dekat. Ada macam kesan tompok bulat. That got me perplexed. Saya belum pun makan sarapan lagi. Kucing hitam datang menghampiri dan mencium lengan baju kurung saya. Hmmm...snif sniff....hmmm...smells like tofu katanya.

And from the corner of my eye I saw that cashier girl with the sour face snickering from inside the shop.

Episodic memory

When I was 12 years old I had a crush on the private detective in Magnum PI. I thought he looked absolutely dashing in a red sports car chasing the bad guys all over town. Al-maklumlah zaman tu bebudak lelaki di dalam bilik darjah kan semua muka berminyak dan berbau kepam apatah lagi selepas waktu rehat.

The actor in the series was Tom Selleck.

Fast forward 10 years to 2014.

*polite cough* I may have discounted a few years here. But please bear with me. I need my moments of self-denial.

Nowadays my favorite TV series on Astro? Blue Bloods.

Francis "Frank" Reagan is the Police Commissioner of New York. He was a U.S. Marine Corps officer and a Vietnam veteran before he joined the NYPD. He is a widower whose son Joe died in the line of duty, leaving him three remaining adult children—Danny, Erin, and Jamie.

Tinggi, hensem, mamat serius tapi kool, ada misai. Cip polis.

Otai tak otai?

I think he is the embodiment of perfect masculinity. He should replace that idiotic-looking Ken. And have me as the Barbie doll. Of course. The perfect couple. Dua-dua (Abang Tom dan saya) ronda-ronda keliling Pulau Hawaii petang-petang naik Ferrari 308 GTB kami. Kadang-kadang Abang Tom bagi saya drive. Tapi dia akan nasihat suruh saya drive slow-slow. Sebab saya kan tak biasa bawak left-hand drive ni. Tapi apa barang bawak kereta sukan (read: sports car) pada kelajuan 80km/jam kan?

Oops. That was my Magnum PI fantasy.

Back to the present.

The character Francis Reagan is played by Tom Selleck.

Eh. Tom Selleck LAGI.

I see a recurring pattern here.

Adakah mungkin kerana sekarang saya terpaksa berhadapan dengan sebilangan pelajar yang datang ke kuliah memakai jaket MFI yang berbulan tak basuh dan berbau kepam? Maka saya perlukan sedikit escapism? In the form of my childhood fantasy? Episodic memory?

Siapa nak naik Ferrari tu dengan saya sila PM. Tapi kena amek nombor ok. Dah ramai yang beratur tunggu turn.

Sepetang di opis cikgu Matematik

Perbualan tidak ilmiah di antara seorang cikgu bahasa Perancis dan seorang cikgu Matematik. Jarak di antara kedua-dua cikgu adalah satu meja guru.

Cikgu bahasa Perancis: Amboi Wani! Hebat hang sampai ada dua handphone na. Yang besaq tu handphone baru ka?
Cikgu Matematik: Kak, yang besar ni kalkulator saya kak.

Kesimpulan: Kerabunan yang nyata di pihak cikgu bahasa Perancis.

Girl talk

The other day my niece was telling me about some pretty amazing stuff.

-Mak Long do you know that humans have eggs?

-Really ?

-Yup. The nurse told us in school this morning. Girls and women have eggs. And when the eggs don't become babies, they go out as period.

-Ohhh. So do men have eggs?

-Tak ada la Mak Long. Mana boleh. Orang lelaki tak boleh lahirkan baby. Tak boleh period.

-Jadi tak ada la?

-Tak ada!!! Orang lelaki tak ada keluar darah. Orang lelaki tak ada telur la.

See guys? Jangan la nak berlagak macho sangat hokeh; kalau tak ada telur jangan nak cakap banyak.

Battlestar Galactikar

When I was in primary school, we lived in Petaling Jaya, in SS2/4. At that time it was pretty much OK for us to play with friends freely without parents having to really think about any lurking dangers. Somehow at that time serial rapists or paedophiliacs or kidnappers did not exist. Not even on TV as well since all we had was science fiction and fantasy. Saya selalu berangan nak ada bulu kening telur lipas macam Maya dalam siri Battlestar Galactica. Original series please. Circa 1978.

Well anywayyyy that's not the real issue here. The nostalgic reference is made as an intro to the real story, which is the crush I had on a boy when I was living on that street. Masa tu saya rasa dialah budak lelaki yang paling cun sekali. Bila dia lalu depan rumah naik basikal chopper dia, saya terus lari ke pintu pagar dan sengih-sengih. Bila saya tengok dia, saya terus teringat kepada pelakon Richard Hatch yang jadi Captain Apollo dalam Battlestar Galactica.

Nak tahu kenapa saya rasa budak lelaki ni hensem sangat?

Sebab dia sorang je yang sikat rambut middle parting. Dan bila dia speeding naik basikal chopper rambut dia mengerbang ditiup angin.

Budak-budak lelaki lain semuanya rambut side parting yang sangat lurus (macam bila sikat guna pembaris). Dan rambut pulak berminyak sebab Mak suruh letak brylcreem. Kalau diaorang kena gantung terbalik pun rambut masih melekat di kepala. Eeeww.

Again I digress.

One day my mother was mopping the floor and since she didn't want me to be anywhere near the floor surface area that was to be cleaned I was shooed outside to play. Geng sebelah rumah pulak tak ada. Terpaksalah main sorang-sorang. Belek kereta sorong, belek basikal, main teng-teng, upgrade skill batu seremban...Bila dah lama berjemur tu mulalah saya rasa dahaga. Hajat di hati nak masuk rumah bukak fridge tapi teringat pulak mak cakap jangan masuk nanti tapak kaki penuh satu rumah. Dalam fridge ada air ais. Tapi jalan menuju ke sana penuh dengan onak duri. Dan ada dragon besar tengah mop lantai.

So I did what any normal 70s kid would do. I went to the nearest water tap, turned it on, picked up the rubber hose dan togok air paip. Gluk gluk gluk.

And it was also at that time that Richard Hatch wannabe passed by my house and saw me on the ground, bercangkung, tangan kanan tengah pegang rubber hose dan cuba mendapatkan angle yang paling baik untuk menogok air, tangan kiri tengah adjust water tap untuk mendapatkan optimum water volume.

Dia berhenti mengayuh. Dia tengok je apa saya buat. Saya pun tengok je dia berhenti depan rumah. Sambil terkebil-kebil.

Saya tutup paip dan lambai-lambai padanya.

Dia senyum, betulkan rambut middle parting dan terus beredar. Macam nak cepat je saya tengok.

Kemudian dari dalam rumah saya dengar mak saya jerit tanya kenapa ada sudu kecik dalam tin Milo. Ala kantoi la pulak.

Cough cough who's there?

I have been coughing for the past two weeks. I have consumed all the meds prescribed to me by the doctor but the cough is still bugging me so somehow the bacteria (because there are millions of them; if there was only one measly one it would be called bacterium but that's another topic entirely) has managed to dodge all attempts at tussive annihilation which include an arsenal of cough syrup, mouth and throat gargle, lozenges and the apparently not so kick-ass antibiotics.

So today nak tak nak I had to google up for natural cough remedies. I can't be ingesting any more cough syrup. And I have a few options:

1) The juice of 3-4 limes + 1 teaspoon of honey + 1/4 cup of warm water (once a day)

2) The juice of 3-4 limes + 4 tablespoons of soy sauce (3 times a week before going to bed)

3) 1 teaspoon of honey (every morning)

4) Tea or hot lemon water with some honey

5) Drink a little blackcurrant cordial (I'm not sure how much is little though)

6) 1 tablespoon of dried thyme + 1 cup of hot water

7) Peel and chop 6 medium onions and put them with 4 tablespoons of honey into a bowl set over a pan of boiling water (or double boiler). Cover and simmer for 2 hours. Strain the mixture and take 1 tablespoon every 2 or 3 hours.

And I realize that certain conditions trigger my cough:

1) Heat

2) Stress

3) Active movements of any kind

So for the time being I will try to self hypnotize into believing that I am a giant female hairy three-toed sloth who has no other care in this world except sleep and relax.

But this damn cough keeps waking me up from my arboreal dreams.

SSUK 13

One week ago we had our staff uni games and our institute won *drum roll* gold for netball. Happy OK selama sebulan sebelum kejohanan kami turun berlatih di sebelah pagi atau petang. Berpanas terik dan berpeluh ketiak.

Tetapi alhamdulillah berbaloi. As I'm writing this post I can feel the weight of the gold medal hanging on my neck. My mum tells me to take it off once in a while. Sebab saya tinggi takut bila keluar rumah senang kena panah petir.

Well anyway enough with the gloating. The other main issue is that I have now the face of a golliwog. Pakai sunblock cream yang paling power pun tidak bisa menghalang proses pigmentasi berganda. Everybody, and I do mean every single person who saw me either at the corridor or at the cafeteria or at the toilet made the remark.

-Muka akak dah hitam!

-Wah! Tan sungguh!

-Kak main netball tengahari ke kak? (Ini ayat konar nampak macam tak nak ngutuk tapi bisanya tetap ku rasa)

-Ni lama ni nak putih balik.

Dan yang paling siut sekali:

-Ye la akak kan tinggi, akak la yang paling cepat muka hitam. (apa ko ingat aku ni tiang pemancar ke dek non oi)

So I have made it a personal mission to sekatakan semula tona warna kulit muka yang buat masa ini sungguh tak sekata. Sekarang saya seperti memakai topeng hitam yang melekat di muka saya. And if I take my glasses off, nampak macam saya pakai safety goggle yang pelajar welding saya pakai di bengkel. So from now on until Eid, no more netball (I need to rest my left knee anyway), jauhkan diri dari apa-apa yang memberi pancaran UV, kalau jalan kat tengah panas kena pakai payung, dan tenyehlah apa-apa yang patut ke muka. People say banana peel is good. I've yet to try it.

And if we need to meet for coffee, kita pergi tempat makan yang ada aircond ok?