What was that again?

Early this morning I sms-ed a friend and told her ''Weh malam tadi aku mimpi best ar.'' I recall this as the sent message is still in my handphone and hasn't been deleted yet.

And just now during breakfast as I was spreading Nutella on my white bread (boleh kalau nak guna wholemeal tapi kick tak sama) my friend called up to ask me what the mimpi best was.

My reply? ''Aku mimpi aku pergi.''

(pause)

''Oi pergi mana oi?''

(pause)

''Ntah.''
''Hampeh la kau. Dah tak ingat la tu. Rugi duit tepon aku je tanya.''

Click. Toot toot toot toot.

Well that's my problem nowadays. I can't seem to remember anything. Sometimes I open the fridge door and stare inside for minutes, not knowing what I was looking for. Sometimes at the office I leave the room and at the corridor I start to wonder where my short walk is heading to. A few weeks before the end of the semester I went to class and started writing on the board and then go straight to oral Q&A with students before realizing that none of them were mine. Saya sudah silap masuk kelas.

But the cherry on top of the cake was last night. On the way home I stopped by a petrol kiosk and there I met one of my tuition teachers during school days. I knew the old man looked so familiar so when I bumped into him at the convenience store I greeted him.

''Assalamualaikum cikgu Khamis. Saya dulu tuition dengan cikgu.''

He looked at me and smiled and told me that he no longer does tuition classes. Cuma duduk rumah jaga cucu.

I left the petrol station feeling mighty pleased with myself for having met one of my old cikgus until I remembered that his name was actually cikgu Jumaat. Saya sudah silap hari da.

Haiyah. All this extra fat under my skin is probably befuddling my brain as well.

Fat transfer is a slow but sure process

Kadang-kadang dalam suratkhabar ada pertandingan teka gambar kan? Misalnya ada gambar terkumpul perlawanan takraw dan kita dikehendaki meneka di manakah kedudukan sebenar bola takraw di dalam gambar dengan memangkah X yang besar.

Cuba lihat gambar di atas. Ia adalah gambar untuk pertandingan meneka "Muka siapakah yang paling banyak membulat sepanjang bekerja di MFI." Dan saya rasa pemenangnya adalah wanita yang duduk di hadapan, yang bertudung oren dan cuba untuk menutup perutnya dengan menyilangkan kedua-dua belah tangannya itu.

15 tahun dahulu semasa mula menjejakkan kaki ke Bangi saya masih lagi kedengking. Tinggi, kurus dan leper. Kadang-kadang nampak macam papan plywood. Kadang-kadang dari sudut lain nampak macam batang paip yang bertelinga dan berspek. Tinggi 5'11". Pinggang berukuran 26". Berat badan 60 kg. Can you just imagine that? And wearing a B cup.

For my French test, a B would be "above average but still not excellent." But for a bra size, it would just be categorized as "Boleh la." Kalau A lagi kesian: "Alamak itu je ke?"

Throughout the years somehow fat accumulation has started to make a difference. A vast difference. Dulu saya seorang yang kedekut. Lapisan lemak saya cukup untuk saya seorang sahaja. And they are nicely distributed everywhere in my body in very good proportions.

But with age I've become a lot more generous and giving as I have so much more extra layers of fat to be shared and distributed around. They are hanging out as muffin tops, as spare tyres, as chubby cheeks. If you look at my picture up there, it looks as if I was munching on a few strawberry tartlets when they decided to snap a photo.

Now I am at least 10 kg heavier. And the graph doesn't look like it's plateau-ing any time soon. Tak apa lah. At least I can take comfort in the fact that I have changed from "Boleh la" to "Delicious" or "Ehem-ehem are those real?" (OK OK joke). Itu sahaja la consolation saya.

Tapi apa-apa pun I thank God for having mercy on me. Walaupun saya sudah naik 10 kg, namun disebabkan ketinggian saya yang melampau (yang dahulunya menjadi bahan ejekan semasa di sekolah menengah) sekurang-kurangnya saya masih lagi boleh "cover line".

Can you imagine if I was 70 kg and only 5' tall? Setiap kali berjalan pasti akan keluar percikan api. Sebab peha bergesel.

Adventure in Dinoland

This is my niece with some of her toy dinosaurs. Yesterday we did a search and rescue mission. She provided the dialogue and action. I was only allowed to do the sound effects. Ever wondered how a T-Rex sounded like when angry? Or the growling of a Brontosaurus on an empty stomach? Your guess is as good as mine.

Well anyway problem started in Dinoland when several dinosaurs slipped and nearly fell of a steep cliff.

-Bruno! We're in trouble! Jack! If we don't get help we'll all fall down and die!

(Mak Long asking Aina: Na kenapa dinosaur awak ni semua nama orang putih?
Aina's reply: Ini dinosaur Playhouse Disney.
And when I took this picture, she asked me to take include her foot as well so that ''people will know these are just toys dinosaurs and not the real big giant ones.)

Then the hero of the story arrived when he heard Jack and Bruno's cry for help.

-Randall! We're here! Come and pull us up!

(Gila ah hero nama Randall. In my fantasy world Randall would be the name of a mouse or the postman.)


-Hang on to my tail guys! I'll try my best to pull you up! Oh no! You guys are so heavy! Don't know if I have enough strength!

(At this point Atuk knocked at the door and asked everyone to come down for lunch, something which dramatically changed the ending of this mission.)

-Kapow! Oh no! Randall couldn't take the weight Mak Long! He fell off the cliff with all his friends! Can we go and eat now? I'm hungry. But don't worry Mak Long. They will make a comeback. You'll see.

Thus ended the story of Randal and his botched rescue mission simply because the storyteller/omniscient narrator/scriptwriter/stunt director still has not discovered the phrase "to be continued".

Fuh. Budak kecik umur 7 tahun dah pandai guna perkataan "comeback". Terpegun aku. When I was that age I was busy trying to sing and impersonate Marie Osmond. Ha ha ha.

Dragging my tired feet back to Muayfit

This afternoon I have a Muay Thai session with my super cool instructor. Seorang adik yang comel dan selalu tersenyum dan sentiasa cuba melayan kerenah akak yang tidak berapa cukup nafas untuk ber jab-hook-elbow-sucker punch. Apatah lagi untuk membuat round house kick segala. For the past two weeks I have been busy with exams and invigilation and marking so all this exercise thingy was kind of put on hold (the biggest excuse I could give so far). Tapi hari ini sudah tak ada alasan lagi. Jadi saya perlu memikirkan cara-cara untuk melembutkan sedikit hati instructor saya agar tidak terlalu menyiksa saya nanti.

Antara strateginya adalah:

1-Memberikannya pujian melambung terhadap paras rupa dan etika kerjanya yang sungguh profesional (seperti yang telah saya lakukan di awal blog posting ini).
2- Mengajaknya pergi minum dahulu sebelum kelas bermula.
3-Semasa sedang minum pagi bersama, saya akan menceritakan kepadanya betapa saya teramat sibuk dengan urusan kerjaya sehingga tiada berkesempatan untuk bersenam, dengan harapan kami boleh rilek-rilek sedikit semasa berlatih Muay Thai fitness.
4-Berharap dan berdoa agar strategi #3 tidak akan backfire.

In any case, should everything else fails, I will revert to my emergency secret tactic: Strategi Pengsan. The only risk is that it has been done before and he might not buy it the second time around.

Well good luck to me.

Invigilation

During one of the exams that I invigilated the students were provided with a photocopy of a derivations table to help them with their calculation. So before the exam started I told them that they have one extra document besides their question paper and answer booklet. That they were not allowed to bring back home with them.

At the end of the exam I reminded them once again.

"You can only take your question paper with you. Please leave your answer script and the table for the invigilators to collect."

Then one of the kids whispered to his neighbour, "Weh ada yang pernah bawak keluar meja lepas? Mangkuk betul."

:)

Safari

-Mak Long, I want to go to Africa. I want to go to the safari.
-Oh, okay. But it's very hot over there.
-I know. So I have to bring a special jacket. I can put ice in it. So I will be cold.
-Hmmm. But the ice will melt.
-Ohh...

Beberapa saat kemudian.

-Mak Long, I have to bring along a fridge. To make ice.
-Hmmm. Ok.

Beberapa saat kemudian.

-Mak Long, kat safari ada letrik tak?

Kisah teladan #2

-Piah, cepat la! Lambat nanti kita ni ha!
-Ye ye ye! Sabor la sikit kot iye pun. Aku ni dah tua. Jalan kena selow-selow.
-Aku dah tak boleh nak tunggu lagi ni Piah oi. Cepat kita sampai cepat aku boleh siapkan barang-barang aku.
-Idok menjadi hal nye. Nanti aku nolong le kamu. Apa masalahnya ha?
-Iye le aku tau la tu. Tapi kamu jangan lupe, si Latip Ponorogo tukang masak hotel tu pun masuk bertanding sekali. Aku kena sampai dulu. Nak perati bahan-bahan apa yang dia bawak untuk kek dia. Kita ngintip le sikit.
-Betul jugak Nab. Dan semenjak dua menjak dah keje hotel ni eksen benor jadinye. Bini dia pun apa kurangnya. Pakai henbeg tu dah pandai matching dengan kasut. Hmmmph! Meluat.

Dan mereka pun bergegas menuju ke dewan di mana pertandingan tahunan membuat kek Kampung Pasu Berkerak diadakan. Agak penat dan berpeluh dibakar panas mentari. Sejurus kemudian berderu kedengaran enjin kereta mewah melepasi mereka.

Kereta itu berhenti beberapa meter di hadapan. Kelihatan seorang lelaki memakai topi chef yang tinggi (topinya, bukan dia) keluar darinya. Tup! Pintu kereta ditutup kuat. Bunyinya kemas dan padat (kalau kereta mahal bila tutup pintu dia pun dengar macam mahal).

-Cepat la Bang! Saya dah lambat nak pegi facial ni. Abang dah keluarkan semua barang-barang kek dari but kereta?
-Rasanya sudah Yang. Nanti kejap abang check dulu.
-Heiiii tak payah tak payah. Abang ni buang masa saya je la!

Dan kereta mewah buatan Eropah itu terus memecut laju, meninggalkan Latip chef hotel terkemuka terkebil-kebil diselaputi asap dan debu tanah merah.

-Hai Latip! Dah siap ke semuanya? Konfiden ke kek ko yang paling sedap nanti?

(Ingat lagi kedua-dua makcik yang sedang terhegeh-hegeh berjalan di belakang kereta itu sebentar tadi?)

Kedua-dua wanita tersebut berpandangan sesama sendiri dan tergelak sinis. Si Piah mencebikkan bibirnya.

-Nab...Piah...sedap tu tak tau la nak kata kan. Selera masing-masing berbeza. Tapi kalau setakat dapat menang piala...kalau takde aral melintang...merasa la aku...

-Eleh..berlagak..jawa tak sedar diri...ha! Baik ko tengok betul-betul! Cukup ke tidak semua barang kau tu.

Latip membuat pemeriksaan visual dan mengira semua barang-barang yang ada di dalam kotak besar di hadapannya.

-Tepung ... mentega ... esen ... ceri buah ... gula ... kacang badam ... hmmm ... macam ada yang kurang pulak...
-Haa...kau periksa betul-betul Latip. Nanti tak pasal je kang...
-Ya Allah! Telur! Telur aku Nab! Dalam keta bini aku!

Moral of the story?

Kalau ada telur tapi bini yang pegang, tak usah lah nak cakap besar.

Have a nice weekend y'all! :)