Zodiac

This morning in class we were discussing about birthdays. And how to wish happy birthday in French. Then we did a little revision on days and months in French.

Then one student started asking about the Zodiac.

-Madame...madame lahir bila ek?

-Je suis née le 5 mai.

-Ohh bulan Mei. That's Taurus kan Madame?

-Oui.

Another student mencelah.

-Madame how to say Taurus in French?

-Taureau.

-Orait ah. Toro toro toro.

Then I asked him what his zodiac sign was.

-Heheheh...no need tell la madame...shy la...
-It's ok. Just say it. And I will translate it into French for you.

-Errr...Saya virgin madame.

-Oh.

-Yes madame.

-Ok...

Then a few other students gave me the affirmation I needed.

-Kami pun virgin jugak.

Oh. Such naivety in thought and behaviour. I have a class full of angels.

NOT.

They actually wanted to tell me that their zodiac sign was Virgo.

I bet they thought Libra was a double push-up brand.

Lamunan terhenti

Pagi tadi saya keluar dari rumah lambat sikit. Sebab pagi tadi saya tiada kelas pukul 8. Jadi saya keluar pukul lapan. Taklah kesesakan lalulintas sangat di simpang empat menghala ke plaza tol di pekan kecilku.

Sambil saya menapak ke kereta saya yang terletak di tempat letak kereta di luar perkarangan blok apartmen saya bermacam-macam perkara bermain di fikiran: nak beli kuih pac-man, nak buat soalan kuiz no 2, nak isi minyak, nak kena beli biskut kucing, nak minum kopi latte, nak kahwin dengan lelaki kaya yang ada villa di Monaco bla bla bla bla bla bla sampai saya tak perasan yang saya telah dihon sebuah kereta yang juga sedang bergerak keluar dari parking lotnya.

-Baik-baik jalan tu. Tengok kiri-kanan.

-Oh sori pakcik. Saya dok mengelamun.

Saya rasa macam tak pernah tengok pun pakcik tu sebelum ni. Mungkin dia datang melawat anaknya yang tinggal di blok apartmen H. Saya rasa macam nak tanya pakcik tu tapi saya bantutkan sahaja niat tersebut. Kalau petang ni pakcik tu ada lagi saya akan minta mak saya buat sedikit kerja penyiasatan. Mak saya memang terrer bab tu. 

Saya pun terus berlalu pergi. But not before hearing him say this:

-You must be the tallest girl in Malaysia.

Wah! Pokcik pandai speaking London!

Saya hanya mampu tersenyum. Nak jawab apa pun saya tak tau. Tapi saya jawab jugalah.

-I don't know. Sometimes there are men who wear girly clothes and 6 inch heels just to topple me from my tallest girl in Malaysia throne. I really hate it when that happens.

Acah Mak Enon. Of course I didn't say that. I just smiled and said maybe? Who knows?

Sesampainya di opis saya terus nak Google nombor telefon ibupejabat Guinness Book of Malaysian Record untuk memberi nama saya sebagai penyertaan untuk kategori wanita tertinggi di Malaysia. Tapi desktop masuk virus pulak. Hang memanjang.

Jadi saya pun makanlah kuih pac-man saya. Tadi beli on the way. Kalau dalam sms tulis ''otw''.

Kot la kalau you all tak tau. ell owh ell owh emm gee.

Deja vu

-Madame, nak tanya sikit boleh tak.
-Boleh.
-Banyak tak negara lain selain dari Perancis yang cakap bahasa Perancis?
-Yes, of course. You have for example countries like la Belgique, la Suisse, Monaco...
-Ohhhh...
-And there are also some other African countries as well.
-Like what country Madame?
-Le Maroc, l'Algerie, la Tunisie...
-Morocco kat Afrika ke Madame?
-Ye.
-Bukan kat Russia?
-Tak. Itu Moscow.
-Hmmm.

10 seconds of silence to digest info.

-Madame, nak tanya lagi boleh?
-Boleh.
-Kalau orang Maroc panggil apa dalam Bahasa Perancis?
-Un Marocain atau une Marocaine.
-Bukan Russe ke Madame? Saya tengok dalam buku tulis Russe.
-Tak, itu untuk penduduk Russia.
-Maroc bukan kat Russia ke Madame.
-Tak. Itu Moscow.

It only takes 10 seconds for the cycle to recommence.

It's a strange world

This morning on my way to work I stopped by a convenience store to top up my T&G card. The store is the one that opens 24 hours and whose name starts with the number (5+2=?) and followed by a hyphen and ends with the number after 10 but spelled out. Haaaa sudah dapat? Bagus.

The boy at the cashier looked bored right out of his skull. Most probably he was impatient to wait for his shift to end. The girl who just came in to replace him also wasn't smiling and put on the most sour face that a person can possibly have. I smiled and said hi to her. She totally ignored me. I asked her kenapa masam sangat dik pagi-pagi ni? She denied and told me mana ada! So I took a bottle of soya bean out from the big fridge and put it right beside her at the counter. At the end of 5 minutes, it curdled and changed into tofu. I showed it to her. Just to prove my point. She didn't find it amusing. At all. Not only does she lack zygomatic muscles, she also doesn't share my sense of humour. Oh well.

After topping up my toll card, I went to my car and found a big black cat waiting for me at the car. He beckoned me near and informed me of my clothing mishap. Kenapa? Zip kain terbukak ke? Si hitam berbulu menunjuk ke arah lengan baju kurung saya. Lengan kiri. Saya tengok dekat-dekat. Ada macam kesan tompok bulat. That got me perplexed. Saya belum pun makan sarapan lagi. Kucing hitam datang menghampiri dan mencium lengan baju kurung saya. Hmmm...snif sniff....hmmm...smells like tofu katanya.

And from the corner of my eye I saw that cashier girl with the sour face snickering from inside the shop.

Episodic memory

When I was 12 years old I had a crush on the private detective in Magnum PI. I thought he looked absolutely dashing in a red sports car chasing the bad guys all over town. Al-maklumlah zaman tu bebudak lelaki di dalam bilik darjah kan semua muka berminyak dan berbau kepam apatah lagi selepas waktu rehat.

The actor in the series was Tom Selleck.

Fast forward 10 years to 2014.

*polite cough* I may have discounted a few years here. But please bear with me. I need my moments of self-denial.

Nowadays my favorite TV series on Astro? Blue Bloods.

Francis "Frank" Reagan is the Police Commissioner of New York. He was a U.S. Marine Corps officer and a Vietnam veteran before he joined the NYPD. He is a widower whose son Joe died in the line of duty, leaving him three remaining adult children—Danny, Erin, and Jamie.

Tinggi, hensem, mamat serius tapi kool, ada misai. Cip polis.

Otai tak otai?

I think he is the embodiment of perfect masculinity. He should replace that idiotic-looking Ken. And have me as the Barbie doll. Of course. The perfect couple. Dua-dua (Abang Tom dan saya) ronda-ronda keliling Pulau Hawaii petang-petang naik Ferrari 308 GTB kami. Kadang-kadang Abang Tom bagi saya drive. Tapi dia akan nasihat suruh saya drive slow-slow. Sebab saya kan tak biasa bawak left-hand drive ni. Tapi apa barang bawak kereta sukan (read: sports car) pada kelajuan 80km/jam kan?

Oops. That was my Magnum PI fantasy.

Back to the present.

The character Francis Reagan is played by Tom Selleck.

Eh. Tom Selleck LAGI.

I see a recurring pattern here.

Adakah mungkin kerana sekarang saya terpaksa berhadapan dengan sebilangan pelajar yang datang ke kuliah memakai jaket MFI yang berbulan tak basuh dan berbau kepam? Maka saya perlukan sedikit escapism? In the form of my childhood fantasy? Episodic memory?

Siapa nak naik Ferrari tu dengan saya sila PM. Tapi kena amek nombor ok. Dah ramai yang beratur tunggu turn.

Sepetang di opis cikgu Matematik

Perbualan tidak ilmiah di antara seorang cikgu bahasa Perancis dan seorang cikgu Matematik. Jarak di antara kedua-dua cikgu adalah satu meja guru.

Cikgu bahasa Perancis: Amboi Wani! Hebat hang sampai ada dua handphone na. Yang besaq tu handphone baru ka?
Cikgu Matematik: Kak, yang besar ni kalkulator saya kak.

Kesimpulan: Kerabunan yang nyata di pihak cikgu bahasa Perancis.

Girl talk

The other day my niece was telling me about some pretty amazing stuff.

-Mak Long do you know that humans have eggs?

-Really ?

-Yup. The nurse told us in school this morning. Girls and women have eggs. And when the eggs don't become babies, they go out as period.

-Ohhh. So do men have eggs?

-Tak ada la Mak Long. Mana boleh. Orang lelaki tak boleh lahirkan baby. Tak boleh period.

-Jadi tak ada la?

-Tak ada!!! Orang lelaki tak ada keluar darah. Orang lelaki tak ada telur la.

See guys? Jangan la nak berlagak macho sangat hokeh; kalau tak ada telur jangan nak cakap banyak.