Jeli

Semasa saya belajar di sebuah sekolah berasrama penuh di Kg Kongo, saya terpaksa belajar Sains Rumah Tangga selama 3 tahun. Dari Tingkatan 1 sehinggalah ke Tingkatan 3. Tapi sampai sekarang saya masih lagi belum berkahwin dan tidaklah pun menjadi surirumah. Saya tertipu. Tidak menjanjikan apa-apa rupanya.

Semasa mula-mula belajar Masakan, kami mula dengan mencuba resipi-resipi yang mudah. Cikgu saya cakap, resipi ni punyalah senang, sampai orang buta yang kudung sebelah tangan pun boleh buat. Kami diletakkan berpasangan. Rakan tag team saya seorang budak Jawa yang menurutnya, ''Masak ni kacang je.'' Dari situ saya sudah dapat membayangkan yang Job Description saya kemungkinan besar akan hanya tertumpu kepada aktiviti mencuci pinggan-mangkuk dan mengelap work station.

Resipi pertama adalah membuat jeli. Cikgu Norain menerangkan apa yang patut dilakukan. So far so good. Sebab tag team saya buat dan saya tengok sahaja. Cikgu suruh kami tuang larutan agar-agar ke dalam acuan. Kami pun buat. Kemudian tag team partner saya keluar sebentar untuk ke tandas. Saya gugup. Cikgu di hadapan menyuruh kami menuang air paip pula untuk menyejukkan jeli di dalam acuan supaya cepat sejuk. Saya pelik. Eh? Kalau tuang air sejuk bukan lagi cair ke? Macamana nak beku camtu? Tapi saya buat saja lah apa yang disuruh. Hilang akal ke apa nak bantah cakap cikgu? Nanti tak pasal-pasal kena DC. Penat oi kalau nak kena cuci tandas guna berus gigi. Penyiksaan ya amat.

5 minit kemudian.

Kawan saya kembali masuk kelas. Dia terus mengambil acuan jeli tersebut dan memasukkannya ke dalam peti sejuk. Saya mula mencuci peralatan.

1 jam kemudian.

Acuan jeli dikeluarkan. Masih belum beku. Orang lain punya semua ok dan pejal-pejal belaka. Kawan saya memanggil cikgu. Penyiasatan dilakukan.

''Nurhayati, apa kamu buat dengan air paip tu tadi?''

''Saya masukkan air paip tu dalam jeli la macam cikgu suruh buat. Nak bagi cepat sejuk.''

''Apa? Saya suruh awak tuang air paip tu keliling acuan tu. Bagi acuan tu cepat sejuk. Bukannya tuang dalam acuan!''

"OH. Padan la cair je jeli tu ye cikgu?''

Kawan saya yang masak macam kacang itu menjeling tajam. Pasti di dalam hatinya dia memanggil saya goblok.

Lain kali, kalau dah tau buat salah tu, senyap je lah. Jangan cuba nak mencari alasan yang entah apa-apa.

Kopi

This happened in a public toilet recently.

A lady entered a cubicle beside mine. While talking to the phone. Which is, I might add, a difficult thing to do if you don't have a hands-free kit as you need to hang your handbag on the hook at the door, unzip, pull down, sit, do business, clean yourself, stand up, pull up, zip up, flush, take handbag, open door and wash hands. And we all know that women aren't very big on those ugly bluetooth ear pieces.

Well she was still talking on the phone when suddenly there was the smell of coffee. Immediately you could hear her sighing and saying how much she regretted drinking too much coffee and how nescafe 3-in-1 makes her go to the loo more. Me I was just happy she had coffee and not petai during breakfast. But at the same time I was like wondering: hmmm...me too I had nescafe along with my cornflakes. Alamak...entah-entah bukan dia tetapi....

Then entah macamana somehow we came out of our cubicle at the same time. And what do you know...there was a lady outside with a cup of steaming hot coffee waiting for her little daughter in the toilet.

The power of suggestion. It plays evil little tricks on your mind.

Muzium Negara

Today was a Trip to the Muzium Negara Day with my niece. To the uninitiated (don't lie, I know many of you don't even have any idea where the entrance to the Muzium is), there has been quite a dramatic change from the last time I set foot there. Back then, the highlight would always be the ''sesi mengambil gambar bersama ular sawa albino''. Now they've improved. Now you can, for a certain fee, take a photo with snakes or exotic parrots. Ahah! Now you have the choice. The power is in your hands.

No, seriously, all the galleries have been remodelled, renovated, refurbished and the contents updated. It is a cool place to visit. And hey it only costs you RM2 for entrance fee if you're an adult. So to all my students who always complain dapat duit loan lambat la what la takleh lepak memana la bla bla bla ha jangan cari alasan just go to the Muzium Negara and soak in the culture and history. For RM2 that's even cheaper than a Ramli burger.

Well anyway that was the experiment. To see if I could go on a budget trip with my niece, not spend so much but still manage to have fun and learn something new. And I thought I did it. Entrance fee: RM2. Budak kecik free (maybe midgets as well, OK sorry that was a tasteless joke please don't come and sue me), after that right outside near the old trains my niece saw the ice-cream parlour. We had some ice-cream and corn in the cup and mineral water. Add another RM6.50. Then we went to One Utama to get this Toy Story 3 VCD replaced. Free. Then we walked a bit and when we were passing by Carl's Jr masa tu la anak saudara aku terus buat announcement yang berbunyi ''I think I'm feeling hungry'' sambil menuding jari ke arah restoran itu.

Masa tu lah bajet lari dan eksperimen tak jadi.

Heheheh just joking. We had a blast. Girl bonding!

A day with the kids from the Rukaiyah Orphanage

Last Saturday a girlfriend and I volunteered to spend some time with kids from the Rukaiyah Orphanage. They were sponsored by some wonderful kind-hearted people on that day to a) visit Petrosains KLCC b) have lunch at the Apartment c) spend RM100 to buy anything they fancy at Parkson. So can you imagine the joy and happiness on that day?

This was us goofing around at the Petrosains. This is the infinity mirror. You look down and it's endless. I felt a bit like Alice in Wonderland. With a double chin, of course.

A group photo is a definite must. The kids were smiling ear to ear while posing with their generous sponsors.

This is one of the kids I chaperoned at Parkson while they went about looking for anything they fancy. All within the RM100 budget limit of course. Of all the kids I mingled around with, he was the cheekiest. After spending some time ''scaling'' the departmental store, we felt tired and sat down for a while. Then he looked at me and said, ''Achik ni orang Cina ye?'' I replied that I was Malay just like him. Then he said, ''Oh...putih sangat la Achik ni.'' Then he asked me another question, ''Achik ni tinggi betul kan? Achik makan apa?''. Saya jawab, ''Achik suka makan tempe.'' To which he replied, ''Oh ye ke...tapi kalau tinggi sangat macam Achik ni mesti Achik dah hidup lama kan? Ada tak lebih 300 tahun?''

Adakah itu bermakna saya dilahirkan di zaman Raja Brooke?

Major pet peeve #1

You want to watch a program on TV. You come home from work early. You even have dinner quickly so you won't miss it. Then halfway through the program you doze off and wake up exactly at the ending.

Sakit kepala

For the past two days I've been feeling giddy and light-headed. Kadang-kadang rasa mual. I told a friend about these symptoms. We did a short checklist. Pregnant? Non. Menstruating? No. Panic attack? No. So we didn't come up with a plausible explanation.

At home I told this to my mom and she immediately gave me the answer. ''Itu angin tu. Asyik nak tahan makan je. Diet la konon. Makan malam tak nak. Angin tu semua berkumpul naik kepala.'' I mean, who needs Wikipedia when you have mommy at home?

I was very skeptical with this angin-naik-kepala notion until one day when I was studying in France, I had to go see a doctor because of prolonged head-aches. And believe it or not, the first question that he asked me was if I was suffering from any gastro-intestinal problems. And the second question he asked me was if I had been skipping meals. I asked him back if he had been talking to my mom. The doctor was not amused.

This morning I went to the gym to do a latin dance class. Balik dari gym emak saya ajak saya makan nasi lemak berlaukkan rendang kerang. Kemudian minum nescafe panas dan makan kuih tat.

Malam tadi untuk makan malam ada lauk ayam masak lemak cili api, ada ikan pari masak asam pedas, ada sambal sotong.

Sekarang kepala saya sudah tidak pening lagi.

Kawan lama dan baru

The week that passed has been very interesting because I made a lot of new friends and got reacquainted with very old ones. How I made new ones? I tagged along a girlfriend who got invited for dinner at her friend's house in Bukit Jelutong and me dengan tidak semena-mena dapat empat orang kawan baru dan dapat makan sedap. How I found back the very old ones (When I say old it refers to the time line in my life dan bukannya merujuk kepada umur mereka kerana mereka sebaya dengan saya dan oleh yang demikian masih lagi di peringkat lewat remaja)? One of my SRK Kg Tunku friends created a closed FB group for the class of 82 and included me in and I saw pictures of my sekolah rendah mates and terus saja add dengan harapan they would remember me and accept. No harm in trying right?

There are only a few things that I remember about my primary school days:
1) Di sebelah kanan sekolah ada Pejabat Pos.
2) Di belakang sekolah ada krematorium. It was a wonderful source of urban legends for us kids. Practically everyone swore they have seen at least once a hantu momok cina or india during their school days.
3) Semua budak lelaki nak main bola macam Kenny Dalglish. Semua budak perempuan nak pakai Bee Dees.
4) Until the age of 12, I thought that a girl could get pregnant just by holding hands with a boy.

Yes. Can you imagine that? Sebab itu ke aku masih tak kahwin lagi sampai sekarang? Sebab takut pegang tangan je boleh mengandung? :)))

Parking

This morning after having breakfast with a friend I stopped by the bank to wothdraw some money. As I was just about to swing into the parking lot, a big red car suddenly swerved before me and took the exact parking space that I was aiming. I honked at the driver. Dia buat-buat tak dengar. I gave ''the stare''. Dia buat-buat tak nampak.

I honked and stared again. This time a little bit longer. Lama-kelamaan mahu tak mahu dia terpaksa juga memandang ke arah saya. Lagipun semua orang di dalam bank pun sudah mula menunjukkan minat terhadap kejadian pseudo road rage yang sedang berlaku di hadapan mereka.

I parked my car at the small road beside the bank and walked quickly to enter, wanting to get the business done with as fast as possible before the solat jumaat crowd start to fill up the roads. Tetapi rupa-rupanya jejaka berkereta merah itu menunggu saya dan sesampainya saya di bank tersebut dia terus keluar dan mula menjerit-jerit. Well, menjerit-jerit is not the correct word I'd use to describe his kelakuan actually. The proper word would be ''membebel''.

When he came out of his car I had to bite the insides of my lips so hard to stop myself from laughing out loud. Kereta besar dan cantik. Warna merah. Tapi mamat yang keluar tu a) kecik b) pendek c) pakai kasut macam kasut platform untuk menambahkan beberapa inci kepada ketinggiannya apakebenda orang panggil kasut jenis tu tapi yang itu lah.

And then the verbal diarrhea started.

''Awak kenapa tiba-tiba nak hon kat saya? bla bla bla tak nampak ke? bla bla bla ingat awak bagus ke? bla bla bla saya kenal ramai orang bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla orang pompuan macam ni la bla bla bla bla eleh macam la best sangat bla bla bla tinggi semacam bla bla bla ingat aku takut dengan pompuan tinggi bla bla bla...''

Eh? Aku tinggi pun jadi isu dalam hal ini?

Brader, is it my fault that you have not exceeded your genetic potential like I have? Adakah saya yang harus dipersalahkan bila anda berdiri di sebelah saya bahu anda hanya setakat mencecah pinggang saya? And if I were to be your spouse, I'd buy one whole box of those spectacles, you know the ones that have eyes painted on the two lenses. Agak-agak rasa sesi membebel nak mula je, maka teruslah capai spek mata tersebut dan buat-buat akur mendengar. Padahal tidur. Amacam OK?

Gerun jugak saya nak membebel-bebel tak tentu pasal macam tu. Takut bila tua esok jadi nyanyuk big time.

Kereta Katak

Last night I went for a seafood dinner with a few friends. On the way to Kayu Ara, we stopped at a traffic light, behind a VW Beetle. When the traffic light turned green, we drove off as usual. Then my friend's dad looked at the VW Beetle in front of us and said, "Wah! That car reversing is it?"

Heheh. Cute eh? A car that looks the same depan belakang. Like the Audi TT. Jalan ke depan pun macam gostan.

Apa nak buat lagi makan je lah

These are some of the dishes I sampled while on a short weekend holiday with besties to Penang to visit another girlfriend.

So basically it was like this: if we weren't eating we we either in front of the telly doing absolutely nothing or driving around the island cursing at almost every single Penang driver. I swear to God their road courtesy factor is -54.

And now I have to start on my ''I have to lose 5 kg by 31/1/11'' plan with the same makan-makan friends to get prepared for the next culinary treats and delights during our next jalan-jalan trip.

But needless to say with all that face-stuffing during the road trip I am feeling a little bit fat. I may have put on a few kilos. In fact, if I bend down, my big butt could probably be seen from the moon.

Saman

Yesterday I went to the Kajang Police Station to settle all my summonses. When they announced the YES (Year End Sale) of 50% discount on all traffic offences, I knew I just had to go and pay up. Lagipun ini semua saman terkumpul dari 2002. Dan lagi satu faktor penggalak adalah surat amaran yang saya terima yang menyatakan jika semua saman-saman saya tidak dibayar nama saya akan disenaraihitamkan dan waran tangkap akan dikeluarkan. Kalau diperintah masuk mahkamah nanti saya tak tau baju apa nak pakai. Adakah saya perlu membeli rambut palsu bergulung warna putih tu? Yang macam di televisyen tu? How?

I had to wait for more than one hour before they finally called up my number. When I went to the counter to queue, ada seorang pakcik tua Cina datang menghampiri saya dan menunjukkan borangnya dan kemudian menuding jari ke arah kaunter. Tua betul pakcik tu. Bila saya tengok dia saya terus teringat pada pokok bonzai. Kemudian dia mengeluarkan sekeping kad dan menunjukkannya kepada saya juga. Kad OKU. Dia bercakap-cakap dalam bahasa Kantonis. Lelaki yang beratur di belakang saya jadi penterjemah. Agak cun lelaki tu. Tinggi dan botak. Pandai cakap melayu pula. Hai adalah jugak halwa mata. Bila fokus menjurus ke arah lain takde lah saya rasa macam nak pengsan sangat dalam bilik yang penuh sesak dengan segala jenis manusia. You want to experience the real 1Malaysia? Go to your nearest IPPD Trafik during the discount offer period.

In a matter of minutes the old man was done. He looked at me and spoke to me in Cantonese. Lama pulak tu. Sambil senyum dan angguk-angguk. Saya pun senyum-senyum dan angguk-angguk semula. And looked back at Mr UN Interpreter to help me with this last piece of translation.

"Ohhh...pakcik tu cakap terima kasih. Lepas tu dia suruh bagi nombor telefon awak kat mamat tinggi botak yang tolong translate ni.''

Wow. Really? I like. :)))

ATM

Just now during lunch break I went to take out some money at the ATM. I am tempted to write ATM machine but as you know ATM already stands for Automatic Teller Machine so adding the word machine at the end of ATM would be quite of a redundancy.

Well anyway, it was a long queue. A long, long, long queue. Al-maklumlah sempena akhir bulan ni semua orang riang ria gembira. Ditambah pulak dengan para pekerja kilang yang setiap seorang mahu mengeluarkan sejumlah wang bukan sahaja untuk dirinya tetapi untuk supervisor kilangnya, untuk isterinya, untuk kawan Nepalnya dan juga untuk Pak Lang di kampung. There should be a law enacted against these people who take out money for more than one person other than himself. Bukannya apa saya ni seorang yang sangat tinggi. Jadinya jantung saya perlu mengepam darah dengan lebih kuat lagi untuk memastikan oksigen sampai ke seluruh badan. Kalau lama sangat berdiri saya boleh pengsan.

Semasa sedang menunggu kedengaran suara seorang budak kecil berkata, "Ayah pompuan pakai baju biru tu tinggi betul." Aku dah tau dah itu mesti mengata aku. Saya buat-buat tak dengar.

Kemudian kedengaran ayahnya tergelak besar dan berkata, "Bukan tinggi tu. Dah panjang sangat."

Haiyo kiddo. Yo Daddy so dumb when the light is switched on in the room he thinks he just got a bright idea.

Feedjit

A few weeks ago I installed this little application called Feedjit. I took the free version of course (being the real cheapo that I am). It's a nifty little gadget that tracks the visitors of my blog. So if you've clicked to visit, my Feedjit will be fidgeting to tell me where you come from. Sometimes I see there are people from Bandar (most probably my colleagus or students here in Bangi), from KL, from Penang, from Kuching, from Johor Bharu. Mungkin mereka semua rakan-rakan SMSS saya. And it's wonderful to know that I do get readers from other parts of the world as well.

Take for example:

-Tokyo, Japan: My friend Yuhana?
-Fort Illinois, Colorado : My Aunty Leha?
-Illinois, Chicago: Err..my Aunty Leha again?
-Manchester: My PhD friend?
-Birmingham: My other PhD friend?
-Dover: Err...my same PhD friend but signing in from another computer?

OK OK so maybe not many people read my blog. But hey you know what I have my own personal KPI. If I can make at least 5 people smile a day when they read Papillon Putih that is for me quite an achievement. I hope to touch the lives of others in my own wacky way. You could be one of my colleagus, my students, my friends, my family members. Or just an errant blog hopper who happened to stumble upon my writings. We might not keep in contact all the time but I hope this could be one of tho ways we can "keep in touch". Figuratively, of course. Heheheh.

So thanks again for reading guys. Ada la rasa berbaloi sikit menulis bila ada orang yang membaca. Kalau saya yang tulis saya yang baca macam syok sendiri pulak. Tak kisah la baca sebab suka saya atau baca sebab tak suka saya. At least I've made an impact. It's better than having made none at all.

Tong Bak

The day my muay thai fitness instructor asks me to wear the head protective gear that you see at the background of the photo, I know I'm in deep shit. But those hot pink gloves of mine are pretty cute eh?

Sekarang ni pun baru disuruh buat jab-cross-hook-elbow pun dah termengah-mengah. By the time kena buat roundhouse kick I am asking for my oxygen tank.

And the worst part is that I just discovered that I had signed up for 25 sessions and I have 22 more classes to go! This is what happens when you sign up for a class because you got attracted to the "Free trip to Bali" offer (which I still have yet to redeem with my girlfriend).

But at least the good thing is that now at least mau tak mau suka tak suka ada la jugak sekali seminggu bersenam dan mengeluarkan peluh. Teruk kena belasah tu lain cerita la. Nasib baik my trainer is someone with a good sense of humour. Kalau tak tu lagi teruk aku kena. Mana taknya baru 10 minit into the session dah lari ke kerusi berdekatan. Where got road like that. He is forever negotiating with me. "OK kak. Boleh lagi kak. Bangun kak! Cepat!". Dulu masa adik saya baru belajar berenang saya selalu gelakkan dia. Dia selalu malas prektis berenang. My mum would shout from across the pool to ask him to do his strokes. And he would shout back "Tak nak! Nanti mati lemas!". Now I am doing exactly the same thing. But at 40 I don't think it's something adorable and cute. Mungkin by now my trainer feels like throwing me out of the window.

And another good thing is that we have discovered a very nice makan place opposite the muay thai studio. While I was cycling on the stationary bike last Saturday, tengok-tengok luar tingkap ternampak sebuah rumah yang ditukarkan menjadi restoran. Turned out to be the Kokopelli Traveller's Bistro that serves good food with a great ambiance. Just the perfect place to chill and relax selepas aktiviti menumbuk.

See? Life ain't that bad. You let yourself be thrown into the ring, take a few punches and you get back up again and look a little further beyond. There's a nice hot bowl of beef noodle soup waiting for you just around the corner.

Absolutely lovely :)

What was that again?

Early this morning I sms-ed a friend and told her ''Weh malam tadi aku mimpi best ar.'' I recall this as the sent message is still in my handphone and hasn't been deleted yet.

And just now during breakfast as I was spreading Nutella on my white bread (boleh kalau nak guna wholemeal tapi kick tak sama) my friend called up to ask me what the mimpi best was.

My reply? ''Aku mimpi aku pergi.''

(pause)

''Oi pergi mana oi?''

(pause)

''Ntah.''
''Hampeh la kau. Dah tak ingat la tu. Rugi duit tepon aku je tanya.''

Click. Toot toot toot toot.

Well that's my problem nowadays. I can't seem to remember anything. Sometimes I open the fridge door and stare inside for minutes, not knowing what I was looking for. Sometimes at the office I leave the room and at the corridor I start to wonder where my short walk is heading to. A few weeks before the end of the semester I went to class and started writing on the board and then go straight to oral Q&A with students before realizing that none of them were mine. Saya sudah silap masuk kelas.

But the cherry on top of the cake was last night. On the way home I stopped by a petrol kiosk and there I met one of my tuition teachers during school days. I knew the old man looked so familiar so when I bumped into him at the convenience store I greeted him.

''Assalamualaikum cikgu Khamis. Saya dulu tuition dengan cikgu.''

He looked at me and smiled and told me that he no longer does tuition classes. Cuma duduk rumah jaga cucu.

I left the petrol station feeling mighty pleased with myself for having met one of my old cikgus until I remembered that his name was actually cikgu Jumaat. Saya sudah silap hari da.

Haiyah. All this extra fat under my skin is probably befuddling my brain as well.

Fat transfer is a slow but sure process

Kadang-kadang dalam suratkhabar ada pertandingan teka gambar kan? Misalnya ada gambar terkumpul perlawanan takraw dan kita dikehendaki meneka di manakah kedudukan sebenar bola takraw di dalam gambar dengan memangkah X yang besar.

Cuba lihat gambar di atas. Ia adalah gambar untuk pertandingan meneka "Muka siapakah yang paling banyak membulat sepanjang bekerja di MFI." Dan saya rasa pemenangnya adalah wanita yang duduk di hadapan, yang bertudung oren dan cuba untuk menutup perutnya dengan menyilangkan kedua-dua belah tangannya itu.

15 tahun dahulu semasa mula menjejakkan kaki ke Bangi saya masih lagi kedengking. Tinggi, kurus dan leper. Kadang-kadang nampak macam papan plywood. Kadang-kadang dari sudut lain nampak macam batang paip yang bertelinga dan berspek. Tinggi 5'11". Pinggang berukuran 26". Berat badan 60 kg. Can you just imagine that? And wearing a B cup.

For my French test, a B would be "above average but still not excellent." But for a bra size, it would just be categorized as "Boleh la." Kalau A lagi kesian: "Alamak itu je ke?"

Throughout the years somehow fat accumulation has started to make a difference. A vast difference. Dulu saya seorang yang kedekut. Lapisan lemak saya cukup untuk saya seorang sahaja. And they are nicely distributed everywhere in my body in very good proportions.

But with age I've become a lot more generous and giving as I have so much more extra layers of fat to be shared and distributed around. They are hanging out as muffin tops, as spare tyres, as chubby cheeks. If you look at my picture up there, it looks as if I was munching on a few strawberry tartlets when they decided to snap a photo.

Now I am at least 10 kg heavier. And the graph doesn't look like it's plateau-ing any time soon. Tak apa lah. At least I can take comfort in the fact that I have changed from "Boleh la" to "Delicious" or "Ehem-ehem are those real?" (OK OK joke). Itu sahaja la consolation saya.

Tapi apa-apa pun I thank God for having mercy on me. Walaupun saya sudah naik 10 kg, namun disebabkan ketinggian saya yang melampau (yang dahulunya menjadi bahan ejekan semasa di sekolah menengah) sekurang-kurangnya saya masih lagi boleh "cover line".

Can you imagine if I was 70 kg and only 5' tall? Setiap kali berjalan pasti akan keluar percikan api. Sebab peha bergesel.

Adventure in Dinoland

This is my niece with some of her toy dinosaurs. Yesterday we did a search and rescue mission. She provided the dialogue and action. I was only allowed to do the sound effects. Ever wondered how a T-Rex sounded like when angry? Or the growling of a Brontosaurus on an empty stomach? Your guess is as good as mine.

Well anyway problem started in Dinoland when several dinosaurs slipped and nearly fell of a steep cliff.

-Bruno! We're in trouble! Jack! If we don't get help we'll all fall down and die!

(Mak Long asking Aina: Na kenapa dinosaur awak ni semua nama orang putih?
Aina's reply: Ini dinosaur Playhouse Disney.
And when I took this picture, she asked me to take include her foot as well so that ''people will know these are just toys dinosaurs and not the real big giant ones.)

Then the hero of the story arrived when he heard Jack and Bruno's cry for help.

-Randall! We're here! Come and pull us up!

(Gila ah hero nama Randall. In my fantasy world Randall would be the name of a mouse or the postman.)


-Hang on to my tail guys! I'll try my best to pull you up! Oh no! You guys are so heavy! Don't know if I have enough strength!

(At this point Atuk knocked at the door and asked everyone to come down for lunch, something which dramatically changed the ending of this mission.)

-Kapow! Oh no! Randall couldn't take the weight Mak Long! He fell off the cliff with all his friends! Can we go and eat now? I'm hungry. But don't worry Mak Long. They will make a comeback. You'll see.

Thus ended the story of Randal and his botched rescue mission simply because the storyteller/omniscient narrator/scriptwriter/stunt director still has not discovered the phrase "to be continued".

Fuh. Budak kecik umur 7 tahun dah pandai guna perkataan "comeback". Terpegun aku. When I was that age I was busy trying to sing and impersonate Marie Osmond. Ha ha ha.

Dragging my tired feet back to Muayfit

This afternoon I have a Muay Thai session with my super cool instructor. Seorang adik yang comel dan selalu tersenyum dan sentiasa cuba melayan kerenah akak yang tidak berapa cukup nafas untuk ber jab-hook-elbow-sucker punch. Apatah lagi untuk membuat round house kick segala. For the past two weeks I have been busy with exams and invigilation and marking so all this exercise thingy was kind of put on hold (the biggest excuse I could give so far). Tapi hari ini sudah tak ada alasan lagi. Jadi saya perlu memikirkan cara-cara untuk melembutkan sedikit hati instructor saya agar tidak terlalu menyiksa saya nanti.

Antara strateginya adalah:

1-Memberikannya pujian melambung terhadap paras rupa dan etika kerjanya yang sungguh profesional (seperti yang telah saya lakukan di awal blog posting ini).
2- Mengajaknya pergi minum dahulu sebelum kelas bermula.
3-Semasa sedang minum pagi bersama, saya akan menceritakan kepadanya betapa saya teramat sibuk dengan urusan kerjaya sehingga tiada berkesempatan untuk bersenam, dengan harapan kami boleh rilek-rilek sedikit semasa berlatih Muay Thai fitness.
4-Berharap dan berdoa agar strategi #3 tidak akan backfire.

In any case, should everything else fails, I will revert to my emergency secret tactic: Strategi Pengsan. The only risk is that it has been done before and he might not buy it the second time around.

Well good luck to me.

Invigilation

During one of the exams that I invigilated the students were provided with a photocopy of a derivations table to help them with their calculation. So before the exam started I told them that they have one extra document besides their question paper and answer booklet. That they were not allowed to bring back home with them.

At the end of the exam I reminded them once again.

"You can only take your question paper with you. Please leave your answer script and the table for the invigilators to collect."

Then one of the kids whispered to his neighbour, "Weh ada yang pernah bawak keluar meja lepas? Mangkuk betul."

:)

Safari

-Mak Long, I want to go to Africa. I want to go to the safari.
-Oh, okay. But it's very hot over there.
-I know. So I have to bring a special jacket. I can put ice in it. So I will be cold.
-Hmmm. But the ice will melt.
-Ohh...

Beberapa saat kemudian.

-Mak Long, I have to bring along a fridge. To make ice.
-Hmmm. Ok.

Beberapa saat kemudian.

-Mak Long, kat safari ada letrik tak?

Kisah teladan #2

-Piah, cepat la! Lambat nanti kita ni ha!
-Ye ye ye! Sabor la sikit kot iye pun. Aku ni dah tua. Jalan kena selow-selow.
-Aku dah tak boleh nak tunggu lagi ni Piah oi. Cepat kita sampai cepat aku boleh siapkan barang-barang aku.
-Idok menjadi hal nye. Nanti aku nolong le kamu. Apa masalahnya ha?
-Iye le aku tau la tu. Tapi kamu jangan lupe, si Latip Ponorogo tukang masak hotel tu pun masuk bertanding sekali. Aku kena sampai dulu. Nak perati bahan-bahan apa yang dia bawak untuk kek dia. Kita ngintip le sikit.
-Betul jugak Nab. Dan semenjak dua menjak dah keje hotel ni eksen benor jadinye. Bini dia pun apa kurangnya. Pakai henbeg tu dah pandai matching dengan kasut. Hmmmph! Meluat.

Dan mereka pun bergegas menuju ke dewan di mana pertandingan tahunan membuat kek Kampung Pasu Berkerak diadakan. Agak penat dan berpeluh dibakar panas mentari. Sejurus kemudian berderu kedengaran enjin kereta mewah melepasi mereka.

Kereta itu berhenti beberapa meter di hadapan. Kelihatan seorang lelaki memakai topi chef yang tinggi (topinya, bukan dia) keluar darinya. Tup! Pintu kereta ditutup kuat. Bunyinya kemas dan padat (kalau kereta mahal bila tutup pintu dia pun dengar macam mahal).

-Cepat la Bang! Saya dah lambat nak pegi facial ni. Abang dah keluarkan semua barang-barang kek dari but kereta?
-Rasanya sudah Yang. Nanti kejap abang check dulu.
-Heiiii tak payah tak payah. Abang ni buang masa saya je la!

Dan kereta mewah buatan Eropah itu terus memecut laju, meninggalkan Latip chef hotel terkemuka terkebil-kebil diselaputi asap dan debu tanah merah.

-Hai Latip! Dah siap ke semuanya? Konfiden ke kek ko yang paling sedap nanti?

(Ingat lagi kedua-dua makcik yang sedang terhegeh-hegeh berjalan di belakang kereta itu sebentar tadi?)

Kedua-dua wanita tersebut berpandangan sesama sendiri dan tergelak sinis. Si Piah mencebikkan bibirnya.

-Nab...Piah...sedap tu tak tau la nak kata kan. Selera masing-masing berbeza. Tapi kalau setakat dapat menang piala...kalau takde aral melintang...merasa la aku...

-Eleh..berlagak..jawa tak sedar diri...ha! Baik ko tengok betul-betul! Cukup ke tidak semua barang kau tu.

Latip membuat pemeriksaan visual dan mengira semua barang-barang yang ada di dalam kotak besar di hadapannya.

-Tepung ... mentega ... esen ... ceri buah ... gula ... kacang badam ... hmmm ... macam ada yang kurang pulak...
-Haa...kau periksa betul-betul Latip. Nanti tak pasal je kang...
-Ya Allah! Telur! Telur aku Nab! Dalam keta bini aku!

Moral of the story?

Kalau ada telur tapi bini yang pegang, tak usah lah nak cakap besar.

Have a nice weekend y'all! :)

Makcik cleaner di ofis

Pagi tadi semasa sedang berjalan ke bilik pejabat saya telah dikejutkan dengan satu suara yang agak nyaring menegur saya dari belakang.

"Good moooorniiiing!!!"

Saya terkejut dan menoleh ke belakang. Kelihatan seorang makcik cleaner sedang menyapu sampah. Dan sambil itu tersenyum kepada saya.

"Good morning auntie. Wah! Auntie banyak happy pagi ni. Bunga pun banyak cantik cucuk kat sanggul. Warna oren."

Monolog dalam hati: "Hai kena pulak bunga tu dengan warna baju kurung aku hari ni."

"Ya...ini hari hati banyaaak suka. Amma."

Dan saya pun berlalu.

Tengahari tadi sekembalinya saya ke ofis dari rehat tengahari saya dikejutkan lagi dengan suara nyaring yang sama.

"Good mooorniiing!"

"Auntie! Ini sudah tengahari. Tak boleh cakap good morning lagi!"

"Saya apppa kira. Pagi ka, tengahari ka, petang ka, semua good morning juga. Itu saja saya tauu..."

Sesungguhnya saya amat kagum dengan tahap keyakinan dirinya yang tinggi.

Vomiting

I was up the whole night vomiting last night. And I honestly didn't know what was the cause of all this stomach problem. I just vomited and vomited until nothing came out except for the sickly green liquidy stuff. Now when people talk about hidup yang pahit hempedu, I've literally tasted it. And bile juice is not something you want to include in your daily menu.

All I remembered was that I had some cream buns and sugar cane juice while at the hospital visiting my dad during lunch time yesterday. He's been warded for a couple of days for some tests to check his urinary tract (or so I think). At that time everything seemed okay. We chatted a bit, read newspapers while I munched on my snack. And then chatted some more before I realized that visiting hours were over by 15 minutes.

Cepat-cepat saya salam dan cium tangan bapa saya. Dan bergegas keluar. They had already closed the front door of the ward. I grabbed the handle and turned. Nothing happened. I was locked in!

I tried again and again. Penat memulas saya cuba menolak. Kemudian kedengaran suara misi dari kaunter memberitahu, ''Kak itu Bilik Linen. Pintu keluar yang lagi satu tu.''

Oh. That was when I knew my day was not going to turn out all peachy.

A gentle reminder

Some info to my students who are sitting for their semester exams beginning tomorrow:

1) Please bring your student ID and exam slip into the exam hall.
2) Please be outside the hall at least 15 minutes before exams start.
3) Be neatly dressed. By this I mean wearing a collared shirt. Or your institute jacket. And if possible, please wash your jeans.
4) Make sure your hair is short and nicely combed. And shampooed. The thing that stresses me out the most is when I see students with rambut stail patung Lego man dan berminyak.
5) Slippers and 3/4 length pants are not allowed. If you want to be a surfer boy, go and migrate to the Gold Coast. Kalau tak cukup duit, start with Bali.

Now for the fun part:

1) No toyol is allowed. If you think real hard, your brain cells will function.
2) For those who have low self-esteem and need your safety blanket in the form of your notes to be near/around you all the time or you will feel helpless and alone, (my niece also has a bantal busuk but she's only seven), psyche yourself up by chanting this magic mantra ''I am a grown adult and I have an IQ of over 50 thus I am able''. Start chanting this magic mantra the night before and believe me you will find in you the trust and self-confidence you sorely lack.
3) It is downright inconsiderate to ask your good friend Toyol to wait for you in the toilet. It is even more evil to ask him to hide under the cistern while waiting for you to come and consult him. How would you like it if you were trapped in a place that is wet, damp and smelling of urine?

This is what I do to you students I catch cheating during an exam. I take out my bling-bling pink syringe and inject you with this special liquid that contains a top secret substance. I will not tell you what it is but once it takes effect (which is just in a matter of seconds), you will experience hot flushes, feel nauseous and pass out. When you regain consciousness, you will find yourself shrunk to the size of the Lego man and tied to the end of a stick with a rubber band. I will then attach the other end of the stick to a chair in my house. You will provide countless hours of continuous fun to my four cats and I will finally be able to watch all my fav back-to-back series of NCIS/Criminal Minds/Lie to me peacefully and in total comfort.

Good luck for your exams

Minggu hadapan para pelajar di institut di mana saya berkhidmat akan menjalani peperiksaan akhir semester. Selama dua minggu mereka akan mencurahkan segala hasil tenaga dan usaha selama satu semester semasa di dalam kelas atau bengkel atau makmal di atas beberapa keping kertas.

Kertas jawapan yang pada mulanya kosong akan diisi dengan fakta-fakta bernas yang dipelajari. Mungkin juga diselitkan beberapa kata-kata rayuan meminta jasabaik pensyarah memberi sedikit belas kasihan. Dan selalunya disudahi dengan lukisan smiley besar.

Oleh yang demikian saya ingin mengambil kesempatan mengucapkan selamat mengambil peperiksaan semester kepada semua pelajar saya. Saya juga berharap awak semua diberi ketetapan hati dan dapat menjawab semua soalan yang diberi dengan tenang dan teliti. Gunakanlah masa yang diberikan dengan sebaik-baiknya. Segala apa yang dilakukan di dalam dewan peperiksaan itu haruslah dengan penuh keikhlasan, menggunakan usaha sendiri, tanpa khidmat bantuan luar seperti pertolongan makhluk berupa jin dan toyol.

Akhir kata, Bonne Chance à vous tous!

Advertisement

I have been googling around to look for a decent but affordable apartment near to my workplace. And as I was sifting through the ads, I came across this one. The description of the advertisement is as follows:

Price: RM *** 000	Bedrooms 3
Type: Apartments	Size: 850 sq.ft.
Title type: Freehold	Tenure: -
Facilities: Playground, Cable TV

** lokasi cangtik , ke kajang juma 10 minit,
** ada restorant makan , sekolah redah dan kebangsaang, shoping cenntral , surau.

call:01*-*7*9**8

The person who put up this ad sounded like he or she was having a serious case of blocked nose. :)))

Subtitles

Last Sunday was spent in semi hibernating mode throughout the whole day, zapping from channel to channel. What I found interesting was reading the subtitles. Here are some that I found rather amusing. And I am guessing, when they did the translation, they had no idea of the context.

Don't you have anything else to do? - Kau tiada pekerjaan lainkah?
Ewww...gross! - Wah! Besar!
It all boils down to one thing - Semuanya merebus ke sesuatu.
Holy cow! - Lembu sakti!

And last but not least (yang ini saya paling suka):

That was one hell of a job, mate. - Kerja neraka, kawan.

Sea horse

A couple of nights ago I was chilling with my niece on the bed, doing nothing. Well actually she was reading her story book and I was doing nothing. Then she looked at me and asked me a riddle.

-Mak Long why is a sea horse not in the ocean?
-I don't know. Why not?
-Because it lives in the sea. Hahahahahah. Isn't that funny?
-Aina why do you say it's funny when nobody else is laughing?
-Ohhhh...hmmmm...

(in pensive mode...reflecting...thinking...but only for a few seconds)

-You know what Mak Long?
-What?
-I'm not the one who's not funny...you're the one who cannot laugh...heheheh...kan Mak Long kan? Kuchi kuchi!

In the real adult world, we can see this in two ways:
1) We always see things in our own perspective. Try putting yourself in someone else's shoes.
2) Dalam dunia ni engkau je ke yang betul? Orang lain semuanya salah? (I wonder if my niece thinks so of me.....)

Have a good weekend everyone! :)

Sotong

On my way to work this morning I was driving along the road where you have the TTDI Plaza on the left (I'm terrible with road names) when I saw through my rear view mirror a familiar looking car. The driver seemed to be waving at me frantically. He was also sneezing.

I looked through the mirror again. He was still waving at me. As if he's telling me to pull over. Saya dah mula risau. Apa lagi yang dah kena kopak dari kereta aku ni? Hari tu boot kereta. Entah-entah I've been driving around without my car bumper without me even realizing it. Which is something that is not entirely impossible as I have been known to be very "lost" at times. Orang Perancis kata "être dans la lune" or "berada di atas bulan". Bulan apa pun entahlah. Bulan mengambang tak jadi kot.

But this time it was the other driver who was acting strange. Waving around. Seperti seekor sotong kurita yang sedang melambai-lambaikan tentakelnya ke kiri dan ke kanan, meminta tolong dilepaskan dari akuariumnya. Dan saya pun melambai-lambai kembali kepadanya.

I pulled to the side, and so did he. He came out of his car and walked towards mine.

-Are you okay Yati?
-Yeah. I'm okay. I saw you waving at me so I pulled to the side.
-Well I saw YOU waving at me. So I thought you were having car problems.

So as you can see, the blur sotong situation has reached critical stage.

-Yang you panggil-panggil I tu kenapa?
-Oi Cik Kak. I was trying to halau nyamuk dalam kereta. Lepas tu bersin sebab banyak habuk.

OH.

Aisey. Ingatkan kau lambai kat aku.

All the other cars slowed down to watch this mini argument.

Urgh. I hate sotongs. Except when they are cooked in sambal for my nasi lemak kukus.

Comparative and superlative

When I first started working in MFI, I taught English because the first batch of students didn't start learning French until the second semester. At that time the syllabus was more centered around basic grammar before brushing up on their writing and speaking skills.

One day we did a lesson on forming comparative and superlative adjectives. We discussed the different ways of constructing them, by adding -er/-est, ier/iest or more/most. Then after that naturally came the drilling exercises.

As I went around the class to check their work, two students (I shall call them X and Y) put up their hands to ask me something. They were having an argument and wanted to verify with me.

-Yes, gentlemen, how can I help you?
-Ni ha, madam, si X ni, dia tanya kalau untuk popular kita tambah apa. Saya cakap tambah -er. Jadi popularer. Dia kata salah.
-Ohh...ok. Well that is the wrong answer.

Student X was happy to hear my reply.
-See? I tell you? I tell you what?

Then student Y turned to me and asked:
-Habis tu madam apa yang betulnya?

Before I could say anything, student X quickly added:
-Ek elehh...apalah bongok ko ni. Bukan popularer. Popularier. Tambah -ier.

-Kan madam kan?

Cute. My cute little students. :)

R&R

Last weekend was spent having the much needed R&R (yang kalau boleh mahu dilakukan sentiasa).

A good friend treated herself and I both to a night's stay in Mariott Putrajaya (thanks babe) . On Saturday after class we drove there with one simple thought in mind: to become an amoeba and do nothing else! Just plonk ourselves onto the heavenly mattress and vegetate in front of the giant telly. Yang penat cuma ibu jari akibat menekan butang alat kawalan jauh dalam usaha untuk cuba mencari stesyen TV yang menyiarkan rancangan menarik. Vision Four mostly showed B-grade movies. It was either about a serial rapist, a dangerous but paranoid stalker, or a killer on a rampage.

The next day was body pampering day. It started off with a full body aromatherapy massage at the Martha Tilaar Dewi Sri Spa. Again, I have to thank another good friend for this treat. The therapist asked me which blend of essential oils I prefer: Love? Relaxing? Pain-relief? Anti-cellulite?

Of course I chose the Love blend! Aku perlu mencari semula cinta yang hilang! Heheheh.

Well anyway after that it was off to Mid Valley, then to PJ for some threading and we finally ended the day with a good foot reflexology massage. Sampai rumah terus rasa nak tidur.

I feel blessed and lucky to have friends and family who shower me with love and support. I thank God for every minute that they are around with me. At times of sadness, when you're feeling down, nothing is a better pick-me-up than sharing good moments with the ones you know will always be there for you.

You have two options: either to keep moping around feeling like it's the end of the world, or do something about it and turn the negative energy into something worthwhile.

Yup. Move on. You have your family, your friends, your independence, your faith in the knowledge that everything happens for a reason. There is so much to look forward to. Don't get yourself pulled into the dark world of pessimism. Think happy thoughts! Learn to trust and love again.

Jangan jadi seperti stalker di dalam filem gred B di rangkaian televisyen Vision Four itu. When you live in paranoia, you bring misery not only to yourself but to the people around you. Not to mention muka jadi cepat tua sebab asyik marah-marah dan fikir yang bukan-bukan.

But then again if you do need to stalk my blog, click on the ads if you see any okay. At least I get something out of feeding your fear and distrust.

P/S: Banyak tu nak kena baca.

Cheers! :)

Kisah teladan #1

Once I went on a vacation to Holland with a few friends. For two weeks, we rented a car and drove all over the country. We didn't really have a specific plan. We sort of pinpointed the towns we wanted to visit and once we arrived there, all we had to do was explore. Many houses provided B&B facilities so lodging was never a problem. Well come to think of it some of the most beautiful places we discovered in that country was purely by chance when we got lost. Like the Isle of Kaag. Google Image it and you'll see. It's such a gem.

One afternoon we were having lunch in a restaurant in one of the towns. I can't remember which one. We sat outside to enjoy the view of the buildings around us and also to eyeball all the passers-by. Orang Belanda ni ramai yang tinggi-tinggi. Tak kira lelaki mahupun perempuan. And many of them were taller than I. That made me feel right at home. Nobody staring at you for being this freakishly tall long-limbed girl walking clumsily around the shopping mall. In fact here in Holland if you're, say, 5 feet tall, with short stumpy legs, saya nasihatkan duduk rumah je la because the Dutch people might just grab you and make you their garden gnome. Oh yes. Another wonderful thing to see in Holland is their love and pride for their gardens and greens.

Well anyway back to the lunch story. Sedang kami asyik makan tengahari dan menikmati pemandangan, kami dikejutkan dengan suara orang-orang bercakap di dalam Bahasa Inggeris yang bertelo Melayu. Cepat-cepat saya beritahu kawan saya, "Eh let's speak in French so that they won't know we're from Malaysia too. Leceh la nanti nak kena berborak-borak dengan depa."

True enough the minute they saw us they started staring to see if we were also from Malaysia Tanahair Tercinta. Jadi kami pun bercakap-cakaplah dalam Bahasa Perancis. Konon menyamar. Cakap punya cakap gelak punya gelak saya ter"lebih uja" (is that how you translate over excited?) dan terhantuk kepala di tiang bersegi di belakang saya. Sakitnya bukan main.

"ADOI!!!"

Hence my cover-up was exposed.

The moral of the story?

Ko kalau dah Jawa tu Jawa jugaklah. Sedar diri tu sikit. :)

Ngeh ngeh ngeh.