Kejadian di stesen minyak. Again.

This morning I went to a petrol station to fill my tank. I did not have much cash so I used my credit card instead.

When paying at the counter, the cashier gave me the receipt for me to sign and he looked at the card while I was signing.

-Wooo tak boleh la akak. Itu sign takda sama.

So I looked at the back of my card and true enough I had forgotten to sign it since it was one that was recently renewed for me.

-Oh OK.

So I took back the credit card, signed it, and gave it back to the cashier.

He looked at the signature at the back of the card, looked at the one on the receipt and then nodded.

-Wokeh. Sekarang sudah sama.

And gave me back my card and a copy of the sales receipt.
Kah kah kah.

Reminder for assignment

Yesterday in class I was discussing with the students about their first assignment. I also reminded them to come and see me at the office and show the progress of their work.

-I want you to show me a sample of your brochures by this week. You can show me the soft copy OR print it out in black and white first for me to see. After that you can print it out in colour using glossy paper.

Then I decided to rephrase everything I said ke nada yang lebih berbudi bahasa.

-I mean, I would like to see a soft OR hard copy of your brochure sample first before you print it out in colour using glossy paper.

Most of the students nodded. The one of them raised his hand.

Dalam hati saya berkata, aku dah agak dah. Mesti ada yang tak paham makna glossy ni. Atapun tak ingat apa option yang aku bagi tadi. Itu la masa aku bercakap kau sibuk nak bercakap jugak dengan kawan kau.

-Oui, monsieur, do have a question to ask?
-Yes madame. So...want or would like?

LOL. That was the perfect ending to my class. :D

Sambil meminum sup tomyam di Noodle Station Alamanda...

Yesterday I went to Alamanda after work for some grocery shopping. And decided to have an early dinner at the Noodle Station. New menu, new dishes, new prices.

As I got my order, a young couple entered the restaurant and sat next to my table. I was sitting on a long banquette so I sort of shared it with two other tables. And we were seated quite close to each other so I could hear everything they were talking about without me having to really eavesdrop. In other words, I WAS.

Anyway as I was enjoying my mild seafood tomyam noodle (yang sedap by the way), the girl said to her boyfriend, "Yang jom kita pegi Spain?", to which he replied, "Jauhnya baby kat Amerika Selatan tu!". I was dying to turn to them and correct the gross geographical error but decided against it and took out my iPhone to update my FB status about this instead. Sekurang-kurangnya saya tak cari pasal dan saya pun boleh makan dengan aman.

Then they got their order. Then the girl decided she didn't want what she ordered but wanted what BF was having instead. Ini semua the manja trap that I'm used to seeing and in other circumstances I'm OK with it lantak engkaulah but at that moment it quite annoyed me because I really wanted some peace and quiet for me to enjoy my noodle soup alone. But I just waited for the bickering to end and it did eventually after a few minutes. Saya syak mereka baru menjadi couple. Kalau pasangan yang dah kenal lama tu mau mangkuk curry laksa tu dah ada kat atas kepala.

Then they started talking about their school days. Ohhh mereka bersekolah di sekolah rendah yang sama rupanya. She said she was in Kelas Satu in standard one. The boy said he was in Kelas Tiga because he was not a clever boy (dan sampai sekarang pun la dok sengal lagi cuma dia tak sedar-sedar). The girl argued and said no all the kids were placed in the classes at random dan bukan ikut kepandaian. And they started arguing and the manja-manja pout came out again. Yes no yes no yes no yes no. Dan ruang udara di bahagian meja saya pun dipenuhi dengan bunyi rungutan yang sungguh bingit.

So I turned to them and said, "Adik masa akak darjah satu sampai darjah enam kelas mengikut kepandaian. Pastu kan, akak sentiasa dalam kelas A. Dari darjah 1A sampailah darjah 6A. Masa geografi cikgu akak ajar, negara Sepanyol tu di benua Eropah."

They both stared at me, nodded a little, really slowly, maybe out of fear that I might lunge at them with my black chopsticks.

I smiled at them, put on my earphones, and continued slurping my soup. Sambil mendengar Gary Moore menyanyi di iTunes ku. And to cancel out all the noises coming from the table beside mine.

I wasn't so sure, but I think I could read the boy's lips saying "Ada aku kesah?" to GF. Kah kah kah.

The case of the desperate orange thrower

During Chap Goh Mei, maidens throw oranges to fetch the apple of their eyes, or so read the title for the Star Online dated Tuesday February 7, 2012. Some of my Chinese friends have urged me to join in the fun. "Alaaa tak jumpa pun tak apa la, suka-suka saja...."

But that's the whole problem. In view of the advanced stages of my maidenhood years, I have no time anymore to spare for benda main-main. If I were to go and throw any citrus fruit into the sea or into a lake, I would have to make sure I eliminate all failure risks and maximize success rate.

Firstly, I need a fool-proof plan. Imagine me as an Ah Lian. If I want any potential Ah Beng to get my orange with my contact number on it I would have to make sure the fruit is easily fished out. Wrap it in bubble wrap so it would float on the surface of the water. Paint it in fluorescent pink or yellow so that it stands out from the rest (of the other oranges belonging to equally hopeful Ah Lians). But most importantly, tie the damn fruit to a tree with a secure string before throwing it into the sea. It will stay near the land! Someone is definitely bound to see it, pick it up, and look at it. If it's a monkey he will probably eat it up. But do not despair. That is just one of the 144 oranges that I have bought for this mission. There are 143 more.

Then there's the strategy for dissemination of personal info. If I just write my name and write "Gong Xi Fa Cai muah muah" on the orange, this will leave any potential suitor in a quandary. He will need some precious time to figure out who I am. He would have to gather any remaining traces of fingerprint or DNA imprinted on the skin of the fruit. And by the time he discovers my true identity, should he persevere, I might just already be menopausal and there goes any chances at procreation.

So let's not waste time. I'll write my name, my contact number, my vital statistics, which side of the bed I sleep on, my cats' names, their vaccination dates, my email addresses (yahoo, hotmail, gmail), my Facebook account, my twitter account, my latest medical history, my height, current weight and BMI. Oh and also the "Jurujual dan MLM tak mau" warning.

Yup. That's about it. I think I need a bigger citrus fruit. I think I need a pomelo.

So call me? Please? I'll pay you?

AJL 26

Last week-end I met my two school seniors for our annual AJL girl outing at Stadium Putra Bukit Jalil. As usual it will start with makan-makan and catching up on one year's worth of life stories and gossiping, then go listen to some songs and probably cheer for our favorite performers (abang AZ mengapa kau tarik diri? Sob sob) and lastly end the outing with supper at the nearest mamak joint.

But one thing that hit me on that day when I looked at everyone around me was how outdated I was when it came to dressing style and mannerism and savoir-faire. Al-maklumlah bukannya selalu saya dapat pergi ke majlis ala-ala malam penyampaian anugerah ni.And it dawned upon me that age was really the great terrible divide.

Dari pemerhatian saya sepanjang berada di stadium tempohari bolehlah saya rumuskan yang berikut:

1) Kalau kau cantik, muda dan berpakaian ala model lengkap dengan mekap salun, rambut palsu dan bulu mata palsu, kau akan dikerumuni oleh para remaja 18-22 tahun yang akan cuba mengambil gambar bersama kau. Budak lelaki penuh hormon pula akan cuba membuat pose peluk jadi terpulang pada kau macamana kau nak menepis.

2) Kalau kau cantik dan berdandan tidak mengapa kalau kau ditemani lelaki yang gemuk dan awww. Ini sedikit pun tidak akan menjatuhkan kredibiliti atau menjatuhkan saham kau kerana semua pakwe potensi akan tahu mamat lembut itu hanyalah kawan sahaja tidak lebih dari itu.

3) Walaubagaimana gemuk, pendek dan kurang hensemnya seseorang lelaki itu, kalau dia kaya dan berkereta besar dia tetap akan jalan berpegangan tangan masuk ke stadium dengan seorang gadis (atau dua) dari glongan nombor 1) atau 2).

4) Kalau kau super mega diva selebriti seperti Siti Nurhaliza, kau akan keluar ke tandas sekurang-kurangnya empat kali semasa persembahan dan akan sentiasa menggunakan laluan yang paling panjang untuk keluar supaya semua orang akan lihat kau dan akan menjerit-jerit nama kau dan kau berpeluang untuk membuat lambaian ratu kepada semua peminat.

5) Kalau kau peminat ultra fanatik Faizal Tahir kau akan datang ke stadium memakai tshirt Superman walhal satu Malaysia sudahpun lupa perihal isu kontroversi adiwira itu dan tema persembahannya pada malam itu pun adalah tema bakar piano.

Tapi kesimpulan yang paling penting: Herman Tino tu bapak Hafiz.

Tragedi Kampung Liu

This morning the three botol kicaps who came to see yesterday paid me another visit. Saya sudah panik. Apa lagi Labu?

-Assalamualaikum madam.
-Waalaikumsalam.
-Kitaorang ingat nak tukar group la. Nak register French 1 dengan group lain.
-Oh I see.

Muka madame stoic. Kalau dalam citer cina tu macam muka makcik ketua keluarga terkaya di kampung yang berhadapan dengan anak perempuan yang baru ditangkap kerana cuba kahwin lari. Lelaki yang dicintai anak perempuan itu hanyalah seorang pembuat mee sanggul yang tidak layak menyentuh anak gadisnya yang hanya makan sup sarang burung walit setiap pagi pada jam 8 pagi sharp. Bila berada di dalam situasi sebegini, makcik matriarch perlu poised dan tenang walaupun serius dan di dalam kemarahan yang ekstrim. Lagipun cucuk sanggul atas kepala tu berat. Any sudden movements can cause severe neck injury. Anak gadis yang diheret untuk mengadapnya menggeletar ketakutan. Seluruh kampung tahu akan kehebatan kungfu ibunya. Apatah lagi pukulan Buddha Palmnya yang bisa membuat seseorang hilang akal selama tiga bulan.

-So you won't be in my class?
-No madam.

Madame ketua keluarga Wong pengedar tunggal minyak kayu putih di zaman dinasti Qing masih poker-face.

-OK then. If that's what you decide. All the best.
-Tapi in case tak best boleh masuk kelas madam tak?

Mata madam membesar dan meruncing ke atas. Lubang hidung madam kembang kempis menahan asap yang tak henti-henti keluar. Bila madam menyeringai sedikit nampak taring dan hembusan api.

-OK OK madam we go first.

Keadaan kembali reda dan pulih seperti sediakala di kampung Liu. Aura zen pantas menyelubungi kalbu, menerpa dan menerjah setiap ruang pernafasan makcik matriarch, yang menyambut berita gembira dengan tarian Melbourne shuffle diiringi muzik latar LMFAO.

Every day i'm shuffelin'...sheffelin'...shuffelin'...
Put your hands in the air y'all!!!

Duit gaji aku siapa yang bayar?

This morning three students came to see me. Seems that they have registered for my course but did not turn up last week. So today they came to check if their names are in my list.

I asked them why they were absent. They replied casually that they didn't know where the class was, which was totally ridiculous since they could always check their timetable or call up their friends to ask. So I told them that I didn't appreciate this kind of attitude and needed them to be more serious.

Then they said something that made me stopped talking for awhile. Sebab saya tak tau nak memberi penjelasan dan lempang atau lempang terus. But of course I did neither. Mereka berkata: "Madame kan kitaorang ni dapat loan belajar kat sini. Kiranya kitaorang ni customer la kan. So kiranya gaji madame pun kitaorang yang bayar la kan?"

So I had to do some quick thinking:
a) Aku yang bekerja, oleh itu akulah yang membayar cukai pendapatan.
b) Aku yang membayar cukai pendapatan, oleh itu akulah yang dapat menyumbang kepada pembangunan sosio-ekonomi negara, tidak kira dalam bidang akademik mahupun prasarana.
c) Dan disebabkan aku yang menyumbang ke arah penjanaan daya intelek di negara aku ini, ada kebarangkalian besar yang duit cukai aku digunakan untuk dijadikan wang pinjaman untuk pembiayaan pembelajaran ketiga-tiga pelajar yang berada di hadapan saya ketika itu.

All this of course with God's will.

Kalau ikutkan hati mahu saja saya suruh mereka tukar pensyarah. Saya tidak mahu berhadapan dengan sikap angkuh tak bertempat ini. Oh yes there's another word for this. Sombong bodoh. I've said it before but I will say it again. Jika kita bersikap angkuh dan sentiasa memandang rendah kepada orang lain, lebih baiklah kita kemas beg dan berpindah ke sebuah planet far far away in another galaxy dan mulakan sebuah kehidupan baru sebagai seorang bubble boy atau bubble girl. Bubble helmet kena pakai sebab di galaksi yang lain mungkin campuran kandungan oksigen dan nitrogennya berbeza sedikit dari di bima sakti Milky Way. Apa la guna muka cantik tapi kurang ajar. Cerdik IQ tak semestinya cerdik EQ. Kalau tidak tahu bersosial mengikut keadaan pergi masuk hutan.

But I'm stuck with these three clowns. So I need to devise a plan. Kalau saya jual mereka di pasaran gelap agaknya laku tak? Berapa ringgit saya boleh dapat sekilo?