Thursday, November 25, 2010

What was that again?

Early this morning I sms-ed a friend and told her ''Weh malam tadi aku mimpi best ar.'' I recall this as the sent message is still in my handphone and hasn't been deleted yet.

And just now during breakfast as I was spreading Nutella on my white bread (boleh kalau nak guna wholemeal tapi kick tak sama) my friend called up to ask me what the mimpi best was.

My reply? ''Aku mimpi aku pergi.''


''Oi pergi mana oi?''


''Hampeh la kau. Dah tak ingat la tu. Rugi duit tepon aku je tanya.''

Click. Toot toot toot toot.

Well that's my problem nowadays. I can't seem to remember anything. Sometimes I open the fridge door and stare inside for minutes, not knowing what I was looking for. Sometimes at the office I leave the room and at the corridor I start to wonder where my short walk is heading to. A few weeks before the end of the semester I went to class and started writing on the board and then go straight to oral Q&A with students before realizing that none of them were mine. Saya sudah silap masuk kelas.

But the cherry on top of the cake was last night. On the way home I stopped by a petrol kiosk and there I met one of my tuition teachers during school days. I knew the old man looked so familiar so when I bumped into him at the convenience store I greeted him.

''Assalamualaikum cikgu Khamis. Saya dulu tuition dengan cikgu.''

He looked at me and smiled and told me that he no longer does tuition classes. Cuma duduk rumah jaga cucu.

I left the petrol station feeling mighty pleased with myself for having met one of my old cikgus until I remembered that his name was actually cikgu Jumaat. Saya sudah silap hari da.

Haiyah. All this extra fat under my skin is probably befuddling my brain as well.

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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Fat transfer is a slow but sure process

Kadang-kadang dalam suratkhabar ada pertandingan teka gambar kan? Misalnya ada gambar terkumpul perlawanan takraw dan kita dikehendaki meneka di manakah kedudukan sebenar bola takraw di dalam gambar dengan memangkah X yang besar.

Cuba lihat gambar di atas. Ia adalah gambar untuk pertandingan meneka "Muka siapakah yang paling banyak membulat sepanjang bekerja di MFI." Dan saya rasa pemenangnya adalah wanita yang duduk di hadapan, yang bertudung oren dan cuba untuk menutup perutnya dengan menyilangkan kedua-dua belah tangannya itu.

15 tahun dahulu semasa mula menjejakkan kaki ke Bangi saya masih lagi kedengking. Tinggi, kurus dan leper. Kadang-kadang nampak macam papan plywood. Kadang-kadang dari sudut lain nampak macam batang paip yang bertelinga dan berspek. Tinggi 5'11". Pinggang berukuran 26". Berat badan 60 kg. Can you just imagine that? And wearing a B cup.

For my French test, a B would be "above average but still not excellent." But for a bra size, it would just be categorized as "Boleh la." Kalau A lagi kesian: "Alamak itu je ke?"

Throughout the years somehow fat accumulation has started to make a difference. A vast difference. Dulu saya seorang yang kedekut. Lapisan lemak saya cukup untuk saya seorang sahaja. And they are nicely distributed everywhere in my body in very good proportions.

But with age I've become a lot more generous and giving as I have so much more extra layers of fat to be shared and distributed around. They are hanging out as muffin tops, as spare tyres, as chubby cheeks. If you look at my picture up there, it looks as if I was munching on a few strawberry tartlets when they decided to snap a photo.

Now I am at least 10 kg heavier. And the graph doesn't look like it's plateau-ing any time soon. Tak apa lah. At least I can take comfort in the fact that I have changed from "Boleh la" to "Delicious" or "Ehem-ehem are those real?" (OK OK joke). Itu sahaja la consolation saya.

Tapi apa-apa pun I thank God for having mercy on me. Walaupun saya sudah naik 10 kg, namun disebabkan ketinggian saya yang melampau (yang dahulunya menjadi bahan ejekan semasa di sekolah menengah) sekurang-kurangnya saya masih lagi boleh "cover line".

Can you imagine if I was 70 kg and only 5' tall? Setiap kali berjalan pasti akan keluar percikan api. Sebab peha bergesel.

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Monday, November 22, 2010

Adventure in Dinoland

This is my niece with some of her toy dinosaurs. Yesterday we did a search and rescue mission. She provided the dialogue and action. I was only allowed to do the sound effects. Ever wondered how a T-Rex sounded like when angry? Or the growling of a Brontosaurus on an empty stomach? Your guess is as good as mine.

Well anyway problem started in Dinoland when several dinosaurs slipped and nearly fell of a steep cliff.

-Bruno! We're in trouble! Jack! If we don't get help we'll all fall down and die!

(Mak Long asking Aina: Na kenapa dinosaur awak ni semua nama orang putih?
Aina's reply: Ini dinosaur Playhouse Disney.
And when I took this picture, she asked me to take include her foot as well so that ''people will know these are just toys dinosaurs and not the real big giant ones.)

Then the hero of the story arrived when he heard Jack and Bruno's cry for help.

-Randall! We're here! Come and pull us up!

(Gila ah hero nama Randall. In my fantasy world Randall would be the name of a mouse or the postman.)

-Hang on to my tail guys! I'll try my best to pull you up! Oh no! You guys are so heavy! Don't know if I have enough strength!

(At this point Atuk knocked at the door and asked everyone to come down for lunch, something which dramatically changed the ending of this mission.)

-Kapow! Oh no! Randall couldn't take the weight Mak Long! He fell off the cliff with all his friends! Can we go and eat now? I'm hungry. But don't worry Mak Long. They will make a comeback. You'll see.

Thus ended the story of Randal and his botched rescue mission simply because the storyteller/omniscient narrator/scriptwriter/stunt director still has not discovered the phrase "to be continued".

Fuh. Budak kecik umur 7 tahun dah pandai guna perkataan "comeback". Terpegun aku. When I was that age I was busy trying to sing and impersonate Marie Osmond. Ha ha ha.

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