Friday, November 12, 2010

Kisah teladan #2

-Piah, cepat la! Lambat nanti kita ni ha!
-Ye ye ye! Sabor la sikit kot iye pun. Aku ni dah tua. Jalan kena selow-selow.
-Aku dah tak boleh nak tunggu lagi ni Piah oi. Cepat kita sampai cepat aku boleh siapkan barang-barang aku.
-Idok menjadi hal nye. Nanti aku nolong le kamu. Apa masalahnya ha?
-Iye le aku tau la tu. Tapi kamu jangan lupe, si Latip Ponorogo tukang masak hotel tu pun masuk bertanding sekali. Aku kena sampai dulu. Nak perati bahan-bahan apa yang dia bawak untuk kek dia. Kita ngintip le sikit.
-Betul jugak Nab. Dan semenjak dua menjak dah keje hotel ni eksen benor jadinye. Bini dia pun apa kurangnya. Pakai henbeg tu dah pandai matching dengan kasut. Hmmmph! Meluat.

Dan mereka pun bergegas menuju ke dewan di mana pertandingan tahunan membuat kek Kampung Pasu Berkerak diadakan. Agak penat dan berpeluh dibakar panas mentari. Sejurus kemudian berderu kedengaran enjin kereta mewah melepasi mereka.

Kereta itu berhenti beberapa meter di hadapan. Kelihatan seorang lelaki memakai topi chef yang tinggi (topinya, bukan dia) keluar darinya. Tup! Pintu kereta ditutup kuat. Bunyinya kemas dan padat (kalau kereta mahal bila tutup pintu dia pun dengar macam mahal).

-Cepat la Bang! Saya dah lambat nak pegi facial ni. Abang dah keluarkan semua barang-barang kek dari but kereta?
-Rasanya sudah Yang. Nanti kejap abang check dulu.
-Heiiii tak payah tak payah. Abang ni buang masa saya je la!

Dan kereta mewah buatan Eropah itu terus memecut laju, meninggalkan Latip chef hotel terkemuka terkebil-kebil diselaputi asap dan debu tanah merah.

-Hai Latip! Dah siap ke semuanya? Konfiden ke kek ko yang paling sedap nanti?

(Ingat lagi kedua-dua makcik yang sedang terhegeh-hegeh berjalan di belakang kereta itu sebentar tadi?)

Kedua-dua wanita tersebut berpandangan sesama sendiri dan tergelak sinis. Si Piah mencebikkan bibirnya.

-Nab...Piah...sedap tu tak tau la nak kata kan. Selera masing-masing berbeza. Tapi kalau setakat dapat menang piala...kalau takde aral melintang...merasa la aku...

-Eleh..berlagak..jawa tak sedar diri...ha! Baik ko tengok betul-betul! Cukup ke tidak semua barang kau tu.

Latip membuat pemeriksaan visual dan mengira semua barang-barang yang ada di dalam kotak besar di hadapannya.

-Tepung ... mentega ... esen ... ceri buah ... gula ... kacang badam ... hmmm ... macam ada yang kurang pulak...
-Haa...kau periksa betul-betul Latip. Nanti tak pasal je kang...
-Ya Allah! Telur! Telur aku Nab! Dalam keta bini aku!

Moral of the story?

Kalau ada telur tapi bini yang pegang, tak usah lah nak cakap besar.

Have a nice weekend y'all! :)

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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Makcik cleaner di ofis

Pagi tadi semasa sedang berjalan ke bilik pejabat saya telah dikejutkan dengan satu suara yang agak nyaring menegur saya dari belakang.

"Good moooorniiiing!!!"

Saya terkejut dan menoleh ke belakang. Kelihatan seorang makcik cleaner sedang menyapu sampah. Dan sambil itu tersenyum kepada saya.

"Good morning auntie. Wah! Auntie banyak happy pagi ni. Bunga pun banyak cantik cucuk kat sanggul. Warna oren."

Monolog dalam hati: "Hai kena pulak bunga tu dengan warna baju kurung aku hari ni."

"Ya...ini hari hati banyaaak suka. Amma."

Dan saya pun berlalu.

Tengahari tadi sekembalinya saya ke ofis dari rehat tengahari saya dikejutkan lagi dengan suara nyaring yang sama.

"Good mooorniiing!"

"Auntie! Ini sudah tengahari. Tak boleh cakap good morning lagi!"

"Saya apppa kira. Pagi ka, tengahari ka, petang ka, semua good morning juga. Itu saja saya tauu..."

Sesungguhnya saya amat kagum dengan tahap keyakinan dirinya yang tinggi.

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Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Vomiting

I was up the whole night vomiting last night. And I honestly didn't know what was the cause of all this stomach problem. I just vomited and vomited until nothing came out except for the sickly green liquidy stuff. Now when people talk about hidup yang pahit hempedu, I've literally tasted it. And bile juice is not something you want to include in your daily menu.

All I remembered was that I had some cream buns and sugar cane juice while at the hospital visiting my dad during lunch time yesterday. He's been warded for a couple of days for some tests to check his urinary tract (or so I think). At that time everything seemed okay. We chatted a bit, read newspapers while I munched on my snack. And then chatted some more before I realized that visiting hours were over by 15 minutes.

Cepat-cepat saya salam dan cium tangan bapa saya. Dan bergegas keluar. They had already closed the front door of the ward. I grabbed the handle and turned. Nothing happened. I was locked in!

I tried again and again. Penat memulas saya cuba menolak. Kemudian kedengaran suara misi dari kaunter memberitahu, ''Kak itu Bilik Linen. Pintu keluar yang lagi satu tu.''

Oh. That was when I knew my day was not going to turn out all peachy.

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Sunday, November 7, 2010

A gentle reminder

Some info to my students who are sitting for their semester exams beginning tomorrow:

1) Please bring your student ID and exam slip into the exam hall.
2) Please be outside the hall at least 15 minutes before exams start.
3) Be neatly dressed. By this I mean wearing a collared shirt. Or your institute jacket. And if possible, please wash your jeans.
4) Make sure your hair is short and nicely combed. And shampooed. The thing that stresses me out the most is when I see students with rambut stail patung Lego man dan berminyak.
5) Slippers and 3/4 length pants are not allowed. If you want to be a surfer boy, go and migrate to the Gold Coast. Kalau tak cukup duit, start with Bali.

Now for the fun part:

1) No toyol is allowed. If you think real hard, your brain cells will function.
2) For those who have low self-esteem and need your safety blanket in the form of your notes to be near/around you all the time or you will feel helpless and alone, (my niece also has a bantal busuk but she's only seven), psyche yourself up by chanting this magic mantra ''I am a grown adult and I have an IQ of over 50 thus I am able''. Start chanting this magic mantra the night before and believe me you will find in you the trust and self-confidence you sorely lack.
3) It is downright inconsiderate to ask your good friend Toyol to wait for you in the toilet. It is even more evil to ask him to hide under the cistern while waiting for you to come and consult him. How would you like it if you were trapped in a place that is wet, damp and smelling of urine?

This is what I do to you students I catch cheating during an exam. I take out my bling-bling pink syringe and inject you with this special liquid that contains a top secret substance. I will not tell you what it is but once it takes effect (which is just in a matter of seconds), you will experience hot flushes, feel nauseous and pass out. When you regain consciousness, you will find yourself shrunk to the size of the Lego man and tied to the end of a stick with a rubber band. I will then attach the other end of the stick to a chair in my house. You will provide countless hours of continuous fun to my four cats and I will finally be able to watch all my fav back-to-back series of NCIS/Criminal Minds/Lie to me peacefully and in total comfort.

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