Signs of old age #1

The students you are currently teaching were born the year you took your Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia examination.

Isi minyak

Pagi tadi saya singgah sekejap di stesen minyak berdekatan dengan rumah saya untuk mengisi minyak dan membeli air. Pada waktu itu masih awal pagi lagi, jadi hanya saya seorang sahaja pelanggan yang ada. Saya terus memandu masuk dan berhenti di pam minyak yang terletak paling berhampiran dengan kedainya.

Saya masuk ke dalam dan memberi wang nota RM50 kepada adik yang berada di kaunter pembayaran. Dia tanya saya "Berapa ringgit kak?". Saya jawab "RM50." Kemudian dia beritahu saya "Wah akak first customer hari ni." Saya hanya tersenyum. Dan selepas itu dia bertanya lagi "Kereta mana kak?"

Saya pandang ke luar. Hanya ada satu sahaja kereta. Iaitu kereta saya.

Saya pandang dia. Dia pandang saya.

Sixth sense

Okay I'm sure you guys have experienced the situation in which your brain asked you to do one thing but after a split second you decided against it? And then regretted not doing it?

Like for example, as you leave the house to go to work, you see that big golf umbrella by the door. You know the one that is metallic grey to supposedly deflect the sun rays and heat? Tapi sebenarnya bila kita pakai payung tu kita tetap akan rasa panas dan berpeluh dan bermuka hitam? Because no matter how much sunblock cream you put on your face the bad UV rays will still make their way through your epidermis and cause irreversible damage?

Well, anyway, your brain tells you to take it with you and keep it in your car. But you say to yourself "Tak payah la kot, tengah panas berdengung tu kat luar." Then in the evening when you want to go buy some eggs and bread at the supermarket, you find yourself waiting in the car because it's pouring cats and dogs outside and you can't make a mad dash to the shop since you're wearing a sheer peach coloured blouse that day and you don't want the whole world to see your lacy Victora's Secret bra when you get drenched in the rain with the blouse sticking to your skin.

Okay whoever can read that long sentence in one single breath memang pakar dalam teknik pernafasan dan patut belajar menyanyi opera.

In English you say it's your sixth sense. But does that translate into "deria ke enam" in Bahasa melayu? No no no no no. I'd rather call it the "Apesal la" syndrome. Take the situation that I mentioned before. If that had happened to me (and it did many times but I never learn from it) I wouldn't be saying "Oh dear I should have followed my instincts and taken the umbrella. Wow Yati your sixth sense is at a super extra sensory level." Apa cerita monolog dalam Bahasa Inggeris baku? Of course I'd be saying "Apesal la aku tak ambik payung tu tadi."

Hence, the "Apesal la" syndrome.

Thank you. Have a nice day everyone. And don't forget your umbrella.

Dalam hati ada noodle

Gadis Dilamun Cinta: Alaaa...I tak tau la...susah sangat nak pilih ni....banyak sangat...

Teruna Dilamun Asmara: Alaaa...ambik je yang mana satu pun...sama jer...

GDC: Ayang pilihkan je lah untuk Baby... *rengekan manja*

TDA: Okay laa...jom jom...what about this one?

GDC: Pedas sangat tu Yang...

TDA: Hmmm...macam tu perasa ayam la k Baby..

GDC: ' Kayy... *kepala lentok sedikit ke kiri*

Madame: Bonjour.

TDA: EH MADAME!! Hehehe...tak perasan tadi Madame ada kat belakang....kitaorang pegi dulu ye...Madame pun nak beli Maggi ke? Hehehe....


Dan mereka bergegas pergi.


Madame Yati yang setinggi menara kawalan udara ni pun boleh mereka tak perasan.

Bila hati berbunga cinta.

Hmmm....


Ada sesiapa nak makan Maggi goreng dengan saya?

Alaaa...*rengekan manja*....Indomie goreng laaa....perisa asli 'kkayyyy....

Mimpi

Malam tadi tika beradu saya bermimpi berjalan ke kedai untuk membeli sebotol air Coke kerana berasa dahaga. Yang menghairankan walaupun perjalanan ke kedai itu amatlah jauhnya di dalam cuaca panas terik namun setibanya di sana saya hanya membeli satu botol air sahaja. Tanpa ais pulak tu. Dan saya membawa satu botol air tersebut pulang ke rumah.

Setibanya di rumah saya terus membuka botol air bergas itu kerana terasa hampir mati kehausan. Tetapi bila saya tuang ke dalam gelas, air yang keluar bukannya air Coke tetapi kicap. Alangkah kecewanya saya. Marah pun ya juga. Terbayang-bayang wajah taukeh kedai runcit yang tersengih ketika memulangkan duit baki. Selepas itu saya tidak ingat lagi apa yang saya mimpikan sehinggalah saya terjaga.

Pagi ini dalam perjalanan saya ke ofis saya tersilap masuk lorong bertiket untuk membayar tol walhal semasa memasuki lebuhraya saya telah menggunakan kad Touch n Go. Setibanya saya di tempat kerja pula saya tersilap masuk ke bangunan baru kerana memikirkan yang saya ada kelas pada jam 8 pagi di sana. Yang sebenarnya kelas saya adalah pada pukul 8.30 pagi sebentar nanti di bangunan lama.

Lantas saya teringat akan mimpi saya. Adakah ia satu petanda? Atau kebetulan? Atau bak kata Mama saya, "Itu dah salah kerob tu."

But the cue cards read differently

I will do it. I will say it to him. It will happen.

That had been her magic mantra the minute she opened her eyes this morning. The night before those words were chanted over and over again. They became a lullabye that followed her into deep slumber.

The old man had told her repeatedly. Gather your courage Nesa. Say out loud what you feel and the actions will follow.

He was a wise old man. His had spent countless years studying the human behavior. His work as a surface technician allowed him this silent observation. Nobody cares about what a cleaner thinks. All they want is the floor of their office swept and mopped, the waste paper basket empty, their tables wiped clean. Minimal eye contact. Enter, clean, empty, exit. Sometimes a grunt is offered in the guise of thank you.

That morning she went through her normal routine with an extra dose of vigor. She felt that she had a new sense of purpose. She spent double the time in the shower, pampering herself to the new body cream bath she bought at the pharmacy last weekend. The label read ''Sensuous rose. Bring out the woman in you.'' Perfect. She slathered perfumed lotion all over her body. Then she carefully took the new blouse and skirt that she laid out on her bed. The ruffled sleeves of the polka dot blouse complemented the bias cut of her chili red skirt. As she put them on, she looked at herself in the mirror and liked what she saw. She felt like a Latin dancer ready for some hot salsa action on the dance floor in a smoky bar.

When she reached the office nobody was around except for the resident pigeon who perched daily at the window sill in hopes of some bread crumb. Good. She was early. Enough time for her to mentally prepare herself for the situation while waiting for her sweetheart to arrive. At times she wondered why it was so difficult for her to even start a conversation with him. Once she looked over to the cubicle next to hers where he was to ask him if he wanted to go out for coffee. But when he looked up at her she just chickened out. All she could do was mumble some unintelligible excuse and sat down to stare at her computer. Oh and she might as well do the L sign on her forehead with her forefinger and thumb. Loser.

But not today. Everything's going well so far. It will turn out fine. What do I have to lose? I will say hello, tell him that he looks nice, then ask him if he's free this weekend. If he says yes, I will ask him out for lunch. If I get lucky, maybe he might want to go watch a movie as well. If he says no, then I'll just smile and wish him a nice day.

She kept on looking at the clock on the wall. Why did it have to tick so s-l-o-w-l-y?

The wise old man came in to empty the paper bins. She said good morning to him. He nodded and smiled. Almost as if he knew what she was up to and approved of her plans.

After what seemed like an eternity she heard foot steps heading to her cubicle. The person stopped at the one next to hers. She heard a slight cough. Uh-oh. Did he catch the flu bug?

She nearly jumped up from her chair to ask her question straight away. Two reasons: one, she had so anticipated this moment and two, she was afraid that courage might desert her again. But that little voice inside her calmed her down. Oh come on Nesa. At least let him switch on his computer. He needs to check his emails, update his FB status. You don't want him to see you as a desperate virgin, do you?

So she waited. Patiently. Hmmm. La la la. Drumming her fingers on the table. Ah he has switched on his computer. She could hear that annoying Microsoft sound. Maybe ten minutes more.

No no do it now.

She went straight to the other side to see him. He looked surprised to find her standing in front of him. Maybe he didn't expect anyone to be in the office that early.

He stood up and looked at her. He said hello. But didn't smile.

She just stared at him. The lines she had been rehearsing were at the tip of her tongue, ready to come out as the words she so wanted him to hear. But something stopped him.

Seconds passed. Thick silence filled the air.

"Yes, Nesa?"

"Err...Dorai, I think your fly's undone."

"Oh damn."

He turned the other way, his back facing her. She could see him fumbling with the zip of his trousers.

She ran to the ladies, locked the door and kicked herself for screwing it all up again.

Dorai sat down slowly. He took some time to try and understand what had just happened. As he stared blankly at the wall of his cubicle, the scene replayed itself in slowmo in his mind, like some B-grade horror movie in which the ugly psychopathic puppet was running after the bimbo teenage blonde.

Then he put his head in his hands and sighed in disbelief.

From the corner of his eye he could see the cleaner with his broom. The old man looked at him and shook his head sadly. And continued sweeping the tiled floor.

The wise old man had told him once. If you like her, go ahead and tell her. What is getting your pride hurt a little compared to a lifetime of uncertainty?

And he had busted his chance yet again.