Thursday, December 22, 2011
At one time, she wanted to hold my arm to get my attention. But immediately pulled her hand back.
-Ouch! That hurts! Ada rasa macam cucuk-cucuk.
-Owhh. Itu elektrik statik Aina. Kalau Aina pegang troli ni pun Aina boleh rasa cucuk-cucuk tu.
-Eeeee tak nak peganglah! Nanti sakit macam masa pegang lengan Mak Long tadi.
I was about to explain to her about static electricity when she shouted her bright idea out loud for everyone to hear (anyone within a radius of 10 metres would get the message loud and clear):
-Aaaaaahhh! Saya tau kenapa sakit tadi bila nak pegang lengan Mak Long. Ini mesti sebab bulu Mak Long tajam!
I swear to God I heard people snickering all around me.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
-Are you sure? Because it sure seems so far. How can we know?
-Maybe we should ask someone then.
-Yes. We should ask a scientist. An earth scientist. Mana nak cari earth scientist Mak Long?
-At the Pusat Sains Negara?
-Oh goody. We can call them up!
-Aina why don't we just buy a globe and see what they have on the other side of this planet?
-Oh. Boleh ye Mak Long?
-Jadi tak payah cari earth scientist?
-Sebab susah nak cari ke Mak Long?
-Owh. Ok. Then maybe we can find earth scientists on the other side of the world. *snicker*
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
She asked me:
-Mak Long do you have a boyfriend?
I answered with another question:
-Why do you ask?
-Oh, just asking. Tapi kan Mak Long, kita kena berhati-hati. Kadang-kadang orang lelaki ni nak berkawan dengan kita bukan sebab dia betul-betul ikhlas dengan kita. Kadang-kadang dia nak kawan dengan kita sebab dia nak main-mainkan kita. Susah tau Mak Long nak cari lelaki yang baik hati ni.
What? This kind of advice coming from an 8 year old?
So I asked her:
-Aina has someone been talking to you about this at school?
-Tak de lah. Tengok drama dengan Atuk. Cinta Elysa.
And Mak Long had to google it to know more because Mak Long is the biggest kayu besar when it comes to drama bersiri tempatan. Mahupun sinetron.
Then it dawned upon me that well, maybe a two-week detox programme might not be a bad idea after all since some skin problems are sometimes symptomatic of bad indigestion or over build-up of toxins in your body. Clean colons, clean organs, clean skin, clean well-being. So I tried googling to find out more and discovered some pretty interesting facts about detoxifying your body. Like, for example, a good detox not only cleanses the colon and removes toxins and chemicals from the vital organs, it also helps eliminate candida yeast naturally, balances the ph in your body AND re-introduce good flora back into your intestinal track. AHAH! I bet you didn't know that part, did you? Been feeling bloated and constipated lately? It's those damn evil flora in your tummy. Berjimba mereka beramai-ramai.
And I also googled to find out what I should avoid eating while on this regime. Here is the list of what to exclude from your detox diet:
Dairy Products and Eggs
Eggs and all dairy products are avoided, including:
- cottage cheese
- sour cream
- yogurt and kefir
- ice cream and frozen yogurt
Wheat and products containing wheat, such as pasta and bread.
- refined sugar
- any white sugar
- any brown sugar
- high-fructose corn syrup
- evaporated cane juice
- artificial sweeteners
All gluten-containing grains, including wheat, barley, rye, spelt, triticale, kamut, couscous, bran, and farina
- soy milk
- soy yogurt
- soy sauce
- soy protein powder
Coffee and Caffeinated Beverages
- Soft drinks
- sausages and hot dogs
- deli meats and cold cuts
- soy sauce
- teriyaki sauce
- non-dairy creamers
- barbeque or steak sauce
- salad dressings not made with allowed ingredients
- spreads not made with the allowed ingredients
- similar condiments
Other Foods to Avoid
- food additives and preservatives
- high-fat foods
- canned coconut milk
N/B: This woeful self-pitying episode starts next week lah of course. Minggu ni kena binge dulu.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
So I replied by asking this person which class he or she was from. ''Saya dari kelas mass com madam.''
I then told him/her that she got the wrong madam. From the wrong university.
He/She replied, ''Oh. Sori madam. Btw madam ada tak nombor tipon madam yg ajar mass com tu?''
Memang patut pun kena bar budak ni. Blur pada tahap kemolaran yang paling maksimum.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Or so I thought.
Because five minutes later, I received another sms from Mr N, asking me,
"You ni nak tengok rumah sewa ke nak ajak I pergi Paris?"
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
-Eeeee Mak Long takutnya! Orang jahat tu pemandu teksi ye? Dia nak bunuh perempuan tu?
-Yup looks like it.
-This is so scary Mak Long!
-Relax Aina it's just a TV show. Ini semua make-believe.
My niece got a little confused so I tried to explain to her.
-Ini kan semuanya lakonan. Apa nak takut. Ada cameraman, ada director...
-Oh...dalam teksi tu ada cameraman sekali?
-Yup! To shoot the scene!
-OWH. He's so lucky then! He didn't get killed by the orang jahat!
Then it was Mak Long's turn to get confused.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
-Kak Zu! Kak Zu!, he called out.
So I said to her, "Cik Zu, cashier tu panggil awak."
She looked at me with big round eyes, stopped working for a while and then asked me, "Macamana akak boleh tau nama saya? Ini mesti sebab akak dah selalu datang sini kan? Wah bagus la akak cepat ingat nama orang."
I just smiled. It's a great feeling when people think you know everything when actually in reality you know crap. The feeling lasted just for a while, but it felt good nonetheless. :-)))
Monday, October 17, 2011
It is what might at first sound like a compliment but could or should really be taken as an insult when considered in its entirety. Sometimes a backhanded compliment may be completely inadvertent, especially when given to you by an innocent 8 year old girl.
-Mak Long, at first I wanted to grow up to be a teacher like you. You know everything. But then now I think I want to be a doctor. And help Tok Ayah who is not well. And get lots of money.
-Oh okay that's good.
-But for a teacher, you sure can buy things for the family. (backhanded compliment #1)
-Well I try my best Aina. We must always remember our family and help them whenever we can.
-Yeah I know. That's why I want to become a doctor. But you need to be clever and hard-working to be a doctor.
Then she looked at me for a while.
-But you know what Mak Long? Don't worry. You sure are smart for a teacher. (backhanded compliment of the year)
That was by far the best one I've received so far this year. Short, sweet and aims directly at your jugular veins. :-)
Friday, October 14, 2011
And I braced myself for the onslaught of cheap jokes to come.
"Alaa Tie, kalo ko tak kisah, aku pun ada..."
"Ko jangan memilih sangat...ko kena ingat...umur ko tu dah berapa..."
"Nanti expired nanti..."
"Alaaa tak kisah la pendek pun bila baring tu sama je..."
Sigh. Do I have to go through this over and over again?
When the father of Imam Shafi'i (ra) was asked about how he brought up his son to be such an exceptionally gifted man, superior in knowledge and critical thinking, his answer was plain and simple. He looked for the right woman to be the mother of their child.
Oleh yang demikian tuan-tuan dan puan-puan sekiranya saya menggunakan teori penaakulan mantik, bolehkah saya katakan yang saya juga ingin mencari seorang lelaki yang sesuai untuk menjadi bapa kepada anak saya sekiranya diizinkan Tuhan untuk kami mendapat rezeki anak. And not just simply grab one blindfold?
I know it's a long shot, I know it would be a miracle and I know my eggs are drying up fast. But I'm still hoping for that to happen.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Well anyway he mentioned that "tidak masuk syurga sesiapa yang sengaja memotong tali persaudaraan samada keluarga mahupun sahabat dan hendaklah sentiasa memaafi kerana sikap memaafkan itu sesuatu yang dituntut dan ia menzahirkan kekuatan karektor seseorang muslim." Oleh yang demikian I would like to apologize to the person I dissed in my previous blog posting. Peace love and no war. I will try to refrain myself from saying anything untoward about anybody in the future (I am biting the insides of my cheeks so hard as I am typing this I think it's bleeding now).
So to this particular person I am so sorry. 0-0 ek. Teringat pulak saya pada Ustazah Maskurah cikgu Pengetahuan Agama Islam saya semasa saya bersekolah di sebuah sekolah menengah berasrama penuh di Kampung Kongo dulu. Dia pernah mengajar kami sebuah hadis yang membawa maksud "Janganlah kamu benci-membenci dan janganlah kamu dengki-mendengki dan janganlah kamu khianat-mengkhianati..."I am forever in debt with her for imparting her wisdom to us and to help me score an A for this subject during SPM. Garang wo ustazah ni sebelum dia masuk kelas kami semua menggelabah baca balik dan ulangkaji. Sekarang kata-katanya terngiang-ngiang di telinga saya. Orang Jawa kata "ringing in my ears". Orang Jawa la kata macam tu. Orang Melayu kata macam lain.
Ok last kopek a thousand apologies and sorry for the nasty words.
But if you mess with me again I will still kick your big fat butt.
Heheheh. And apologize later. :-)))
Have a nice day everyone! :-)))
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
She grumbled about that the whole time but kept on play acting anyway not only because she just loves playing doctor and she wants to be one when she grows up and also because "I'm just too talkative to sit still".
That day she had three patients: a snake, a crocodile and a bear. Her three fluffy toys were lined up waiting for their turn to see the doctor. She attended to the snake first and diagnosed him with having a bad back pain. He had to go for back massages. The crocodile had a toothache and was prescribed some "tooth medicine" (Dr Aina says it's very effective). Then she went to the last patient she had that day.
-Oh good day Mr Bear what can I do for you? Oh really? You're not feeling well? Here let me check you with my stethoscope...Ohhh no! You're not sick! You just have ketiak masam!
So in a nutshell, Dr Aina will not entertain patients with BO issues.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Well anyway I wish I had super duper powers that can transform people into objects. Then I would just go to this person's FB page, look at the profile picture and just stare and focus my super duper powers on it, so that in real life, wherever that person may be on the planet at that point of time, he would be transformed into any object desired. Like a roll-on deodorant, for example. Yang dijual di sebuah pasar mini yang terletak di sebuah lokasi di mana populasi pekerja asing berbangsa Bangla/Myanmar/Nepal amatlah tinggi dan kebarangkalian deodoran ini akan dibeli oleh salah seorang dari pekerja asing yang tidak mandi pagi adalah 99.7%.
And each time the deodorant is used up, hey presto it magically refills itself and it ends up on the shelves of the same pasar mini, only to be snapped up by another person yang tak suka mandi pagi. And this vicious cycle continues, until this person says sorry dan pujuk saya.
Groundhog Day, with a karmic twist.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
And language was also a tricky issue. Once, in a restaurant, I ordered a dish and when it came, the waitress asked, "Apa Ibu mau sendok juga?". I simply nodded while imagining the humiliation of shoving food down my throat with a big senduk but a few minutes later she came with a spoon. Owh. So I learned a new word.
The next day I had lunch at another restaurant. This time I decided to practise the new vocabulary. I asked the waiter near the counter. "Bisa berikan saya sendok satu?" (very awkward bahasa Indon I know tapi dah excited punya pasal tak kisah la).
The boy looked at me and smiled. Then he said "Akak nak sudu eh. Jap nanti saya tanyakan sekali. Saya pun nak order air ni."
Aisey. Pelancong Malaysia da. Tapi rupanya tidak ubah seperti rupa seorang lelaki Jawa tempatan. Pendek, berkulit sawo matang dan berhidung pesek. Akak keliru!
Friday, September 23, 2011
-Here. Come on Mak Long. Have one. Nobody in my land wants to eat my baked seafood.
-Oh dear. Really? What's your land called?
-And who are in your land?
-Just my old toys. They don't want my baked seafood because they prefer nasi goreng kampung.
-OK. But I'm allergic to seafood. I don't want any rashes breaking out on my face and body if I eat them.
-Oh no problem Mak Long. Here have a bug.
And she handed me a fridge magnet in the shape of a moth. Ada pulak tu.
So last night I had a baked bug for dinner. Tapi kecik sangat. Tak kenyang. So I still had to go downstairs later for some maggi tom yam with my family.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
-Madame when he story me I so funny. My eye water drop cannot stop.
-Owh. Eye water tu apa?
-Laaa madame. Ayaq mata la.
-Owh. Jadi kalau mata air nak panggil apa dalam bahasa Inggeris?
-Heheheh. Panggil marka. Ok bye madame!
As he was leaving I heard him telling his friend, "Hang tengok la madame cuba nak perangkap aku. Ingat aku tak tau ka?"
Monday, September 19, 2011
And when you're in a bank waiting for your turn, the last thing you want is to have a kid bugging you with questions all the time. And loudly.
But he's super cute and adorable and he sat smack right next to me so what little hope I had for some peace and quiet was dashed anyway. Might as well yak with him.
So we chatted while his mommy played on her iPhone (grrr...) and he then told me that he wanted to grow up to be a big boy. Because he likes to play askar-askar. But sometimes he doesn't mind playing masak-masak as well.
-So when I play masak-masak kan auntie, I pretend to be a girl.
-Oh I see. So what's the difference between a girl and a boy?
He looked at me with a look that says "Don't tell me you don't know the answer to that question? Nak kata muda kalau masuk larian terbuka wanita dah kategori veteran dah."
-Girls are smaller than boys. And boys *pandang ke kiri dan ke kanan* ada birdy. Girls *whispers* ada flower.
-Ahhh. But you know sweetie, I'm taller than most boys I know.
-Yeahhh! I know! Auntie ada dua-dua. Birdy ada flower pun ada!
So you see ladies and gentlemen, in a split second my existence has been reduced to that of a hermaphroditic Gastropod.
And I left the bank 10 minutes later, leaving behind a trail of thick viscous slime.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Mud, mud and more mud.
When we were inside, we made a few rest breaks, during which we could have our light lunch if we wanted to. I did. But how? The whole body was covered in mud.
So, I took off my gloves, reached into my dry pack for a bun and bottled water. Then washed my grimy hands a bit. Then came the problem. Nowhere to wipe my hands. So I took off my helmet, wiped my hands on my headscarf, and started munching on my ikan bilis bun.
It's pitch dark anyway, so who cares?
Two days of walking, climbing, crawling and frolicking in guano and mud. In two caves.
Mud, mud and more mud.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
The students were really focusing hard because I told them the record for least mistakes was held by a 12 year old boy I have tuition class with. Only one mistake out of the 54 cards. So everybody discussed and made sure they got the right answer before giving me the "jawapan muktamad".
They were doing good until I showed them this particular card. One of them suddenly put up his hands and said to the rest, "Alaaah! Alaaah! Belanda!". The others looked at him quizzically since the Dutch flag was already guessed earlier on.
-Weh kan dah tunjuk dah tadi bendera Belanda?
-Tu ha...Belanda! Belanda!
-Apahal ko ni?
-Alahai... ayam Belanda!!!
I was showing them the flag of Turkey.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Why do I have a variety of friends who are all different in character ?
Some of them can be considered marginal even ?
How do I get on with them all ?
I think that each one helps to bring out a "different" part of me...
With one of them I am a polite, good girl.
I joke with another friend.
I sit down and talk about serious matters with one of them.
With another I giggle at every silly thing.
I have my tea with one
And dance with another.
I listen to one friend's problems and give her advice
Then I listen to another advising me.
They are all like pieces of a jigsaw,
When completed they form a treasure box.
A treasure of friends!
They are my friends who understand me better than myself,
who support me through good days and bad days.
They are like colourful anti-depressants that I take on different days.
Real Age doctors tell us that friends are good for our health.
Dr. Oz calls them Vitamins F (from Friends) and counts the benefits of friends to our well being.
Research shows that people in strong social circles have less risk of depression
and terminal strokes. If you take Vitamin F constantly you can be up to 30 years younger than your real age. The warmth of friendship stops stress and even in your tense moments it decreases the chance of a cardiac arrest or stroke by 50%.
I am so happy that I have a stock of Vitamins F!
In summary we should value our friends and keep in touch with them.
We should try to see the funny side of things and laugh together, not forgetting
to open our mouths big to swallow the floating vitamins F !!!!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Last Saturday he fell ill. He just slept all day and refused to eat. My mom took him to the vet's and he was diagnosed with suffering from jaundice. For quite some time, it seems, since the symptoms appear much later. Kesian Momoi. Gusi dan matanya kuning. Dia muntah-muntah dan tidak lalu makan. Doktor terpaksa membuat pemeriksaan darah.
Today the vet's assistant called to inform that we can take him home. But he has to be on medication for seven days by the end of which we will bring him back to the clinic for check-up. The blood test results also came in. His liver is not damaged, BUT he has fatty liver and high cholesterol. I am now sketching out the design for my mini cat gym, complete with a cat treadmill and tiny cat dumb bells. Tak sangka kucing pun boleh ada masalah kolesterol tinggi.
And when I get the vet's bill for consultation and boarding and blood test and all the pills, my blood also will go upstairs.
Tapi yang penting Momoi saya kembali sihat! :-)
Friday, August 19, 2011
Anyway this morning in class we had a little game. The class was divided into two groups and we had a good time. Dan biasalah kan semasa permainan dijalankan, ahli dari kedua-dua kumpulan saling menyakat dan melancarkan perang saraf.
The student explained: "Ustaz saya cakap kan Madame, kalau kita kentut dalam air puasa kita batal. Dia tu (pointing tu his friend) suka kentut dalam air."
Oleh itu kejadian kentut dalam air juga boleh digunakan untuk memberitahu yang seseorang itu tidak berpuasa. I learned something new today.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
They told me they were brothers. I asked them about another boy Haikal that I met last year during an outing with them. They told me that his parents came back for him. His parents, previously separated, got back together and decided to take back their child and live as a family again.
And to be honest, that was one of the best news that I've heard in a long time. We could do more with these heartwarming stories. It just cheers up any dowdy day.
Then one of the two boys in the photo above came up to me later to admit that they were not really brothers. Just friends. "Tapi saya lagi hensem tau Achik." Katanya. With a cheeky smile. :-))
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
So I started with a student who volunteered. I asked him:
-Vous parlez français? (Do you speak French?)
-Non, je parle malais. (No, I speak Malay.)
Then I moved on to the next student who seemed to be looking at his table. I asked him:
-Vous parlez italien? (Do you speak Italian?)
Dia angguk-angguk. Macam paham. Tapi dia tak jawab.
His friend nudged him. "Oi. Madame tanya la. Vous parlez italien tak?"
He looked up suddenly and replied, "Huh? Oui...oui...tali...tali..."
Ceh. Dia tidur rupanya.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
-Anak aku ni ha. Dapat sambung belajar dekat universiti kat luar negeri. Insyaallah tahun depan.
-Oh iye ke. Baguslah. Kat mana tu?
-Universiti tu dekat-dekat dengan Alaska.
-Ohhh. Tak jauh la. Senang la engkau.
-Eh. Apa pulak tak jauh? Mau dua hari baru sampai.
-Mana....empat jam je kalau naik bas.
-Anak aku tu dapat masuk univerisiti dekat-dekat dengan Alaska tu. Kat Amerika.
-Ohhh. Aku dengar Alor Setar.
Saya masih lagi tergelak seorang diri semasa sedang berjalan keluar menuju ke kerta saya setalah selesai membayar. :-)))
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Then she told me that I have a nose that would bring ''ong'' to my future husband. I found this amusing as the Malays always say that if the wife is taller than the husband barulah murah rezeki. Sebab kalau bini tinggi dia boleh sorokkan duit atas almari dan suami tak sampai nak ambik. But this was the first time that someone told me about my nose that would eventually bring luck to whoever chose to spend his life with me.
Then I asked her what kind of man would suit me best then, to which she answered, ''Aiyaaaa semua orang suruh lu cari hati baik...tapi aaa gua cakap sama lu aaaa miss....dia olang mau cari hati baik itu dia olang punya pasal...lu cari yang banyak lui yang boleh tengok lu punya hati baik...sama boleh tengok lu punya hidung banyak ong.''
Errr. Okay. So people...I have a nose that brings great fortune. To others. :-)))
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
I gave an example:
-Il s'appelle Roy. Il aime le football.
Some of them asked:
-What is the meaning of aime Madame?
-Aime means "love". So my example means "His name is Roy. He loves football."
-Le tu kena ada ke Madame?
-Yes. Le means "the" in English.
Then one of them volunteered to start the activity.
-I want to try madame.
He pointed to a classmate: Il s'appelle Azrul. Il aime lemang.
Monday, August 1, 2011
As I went out the door, I took out my car keys. So I had my keys, my purse, my TnG card and my receipt in my hands.
While walking towards my car I passed by a thrash can. I wanted to throw away the receipt. Instead I threw away my TnG card. I looked around. There were two guys at the petrol pump who saw me asking for help. The one driving the Merc buat tak tahu. The one in the Hybrid car came out to help me.
And I also called the pump attendant to help me retrieve the card. The trash can had a swinging cover on top and I needed someone to take it off. So they obligingly did so and I thanked them, telling them that I had actually wanted to throw away the receipt but entah bagaimana threw the card into the trash can instead. Pakcik pump attendant tu hanya tersenyum semasa memasang semula penutup tong sampah tersebut. The Hybrid guy said it was normal to slip up sometimes.
Then I proceeded to throw away the receipt. But this time, instead, I threw my car keys (pulak) into the trash can.
So Mr Hybrid came out of the car (again) and helped take out my car keys (this time). Mr Merc hanya memerhati. Pakcik pump attendant buat-buat cuci cermin kereta pelanggan yang lain.
Then he told me to put my purse and card and keys into my handbag. Then he asked me to throw away the receipt. I smiled and thanked him (profusely). He grinned and geleng-geleng kepala.
Then it became clearer in my head. So I took out my car keys and went straight to my car. And drove to work.
Hybrid guys. Look for Hybrid guys. They're willing to get their hands dirty to help a woozy mademoiselle in distress.
Friday, July 22, 2011
I reached my car and pressed the remote alarm button. Nothing. I tried again. Nada. Saya ketuk-ketuk lagi. Namun masih tidak berjaya. Saya garu dagu.
By this time the security guard who does his rounds on his bicycle arrived and asked me if everything was okay. I informed him of my predicament.
-Hmmm. Akka sudah salah kereta ka?
-Eh betul ni kereta saya. WUM.
-Akkaaa...ini kereta W-Yu-Yen. Tadda Yem.
-Oh. Saya sudah salah kereta la.
-Tadda apa nanti saya cari kereta Akka.
And he rode off and came back later with the exact location of my car. We went there together and he even helped me unload my groceries into the car boot.
-Terima kasih adik. Nasib baik adik ada. Boleh tolong akak.
-Sama-samaaaa. Sikit sajaaa. Sini pun worang selalu lupa mana parking kereta.
Ya la adik. Tapi ini Akka lain punya worang. Yen sama Yem pun tadda baca.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
A group of rhinos is called a crash.
A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
A group of whales is called a pod.
A group of geese is called a gaggle.
A group of ravens is called a murder.
A group of officers is called a mess.
A group of larks is called an exaltation.
A group of owls is called a parliament.
A group of doves is called a salvation.
Friday, July 15, 2011
-Akak! Pinjam stool kejap.
a) I was blocked from his view from the waist down by my car.
b) He was having difficulty cleaning the windscreen of his car because it was a big SUV and he was a little...ehem...vertically challenged.
Hmmm. Apa nak jawab ni?
-OK. Datang la sini ambik dik.
So he came over and started some small talk while on the way to my car.
-Itu la kan kak susah kalau bawak kete besar-besar ni bila nak cuci kena guna tangga la stool la...eh?? Laaa akak tinggi! Tak aci la.
Saya hanya mampu tersenyum lebar. Lama saya tersenyum padanya. Nak tahan gelak pun ada.
-Eleh eksyen la tu.
Ye dik. Akak ni tinggi. 5'11''. Pakai pulak kasut tumit tinggi 3". Rasanya dah sama tinggi dengan Stone Cold Steve Austin dah tu. :-)
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
-Kalau satu kalkulator habis bateri saya ada yang lagi satu ni Madame.
-Oh. Tapi kalau dua-dua pun habis bateri?
-Ohhh jangan takut Madame. Saya dah pikir dah.
And he took out some spare batteries from his pocket.
Lord Baden Powell always said "Be Prepared". And I bet this student was a Boy Scout when he was a kid.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Another reason why I think the Malaysian Navy is uber cool:
Their elite Paskal squad team members wear hot pink berets. Yes. Pink. Mereka lelaki yang mempunyai keyakinan diri yang cukup kental. Gagah berani tidak takut mati and yet so in touch with their feminine side.
So now that the Navy men are no longer in the picture, I would need to find a substitute. Apakah badan beruniform lain yang rasa-rasanya OK dan setanding dengan kesegakan abang-abang TLDM? TUDM? Tentera Darat (tapi baju depa warna hijau celoreng macam tak hensem je?)?
Ataupun PBSM? Uniform putih juga kan?
Dan ahli silat? Cukup gagah perkasa tak? :-)
Monday, July 4, 2011
-Mak Long cover your ears. I'm going to light this cannon. There's going to be a loud explosion!
So we both covered our ears as she lit the cannon (reben pengikat sarung bantal peluk berfungsi sebagai sumbu) and there was a loud BOOM! Mak Long pun terpaksa menyumbangkan suara untuk bunyi letupan tersebut) and she threw a small ball to the floor.
I had to laugh because she was really in her element and beriya berlakon.
-Did you like it Mak Long?
-Yeah. I think it was a fun show :-)
Then she came up with her ciplak tagline: "Cannonball. Delighting you always."
And it was Mak Long's turn to fall off the bed in astonishment.
Friday, July 1, 2011
A couple of days ago I went to Santai Suri to meet up with my BFFs. When I reached the spa, one of them was out for errands. So I hoohaa-ed with those who were at the reception area for a bit.
A few minutes later my friend arrived. She was surprised to see me dan kami pun berpeluk-cium to say hello. Al-maklumlah dah lama tak berjumpa. She excused herself to the back for a while and I continued chatting with the rest.
Then I looked back at the counter and saw her standing there. Wah, dah makin slim si Rina ni, kataku di dalam hati. Nampaknya segala usaha mengikuti kelas body combat amat membuahkan hasil.
So I crept slowly from behind and surprised her by holding her by the waist and saying, "Oi Mek dah kurus la ko! Caya la!"
She turned slowly to me and said slowly, "Siapa yg kurus kak?"
Alamak. Bukan Rina. Tetapi salah seorang dari pelanggan urut yang mahu membayar di kaunter.
Memang saya mati kutu masa tu. Saya dah habis auta dah tak tahu macamana nak cover line lagi dah.
So I just smiled sheepishly. For once, I was stumped for words.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Before going to bed I zapped the Astro channels and noticed that almost all the programs were about murder and fantasy horror. So I switched off the telly and went to bed.
Then in my sleep I dreamed that I was attacked by a big hairy monster resembling a giant orang utan. And it was pink. Kinda like Sully in Monster Inc. Seekor orang utan berbulu pink. Chasing after me with hatred in his eyes and vengeance in his heart.
Suddenly it didn't seem so cute anymore.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
-But I want to be like you Mak Long! You can speak three languages!
I looked at her and geleng-geleng kepala.
-No? Not three? How many languages do you speak then Mak Long?
-Wow? Six? What languages?
-Well, Malay, English, French, Bahasa Malaysia, Bahasa Inggeris and Bahasa Perancis.
Then as she was eating her chicken popcorn I heard her muttering under her breath, "Nanti Aina pun nak jadi macam Mak Long lah."
I asked her:
-Nak jadi macam Mak Long boleh cakap enam bahasa ke Na?
-Tak. Nak jadi macam Mak Long suka loyar buruk.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
"Terus boleh masuk ikut pintu belakang kakak takde keluar-keluar." (read: the two buildings were adjoining to each other)
So I went there and ordered my breakfast and coffee to go. When I got everything I asked the adik at the counter where to get the sugar sachets.
"Ohhh gula boleh beli kat sebelah kak.", while pointing towards the petrol station convenience store.
Then the supervisor came and elbowed him from behind and told him, "Layan customer elok-elok la."
Then the boy looked at me and said, "Heheheh...ala madame saje je nak ngenakan madame. Tu ha tepi counter ni nanti saya ambikkan ekk."
Cis. Budak MFI rupanya. Tapi siapa ye? Hmmm.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Like for example:
When she's playing Flick Fishing on my iPhone, she would say, "Don't worry Mak Long, I will try and get you a nice badoody fish!"
I am guessing a badoody fish is a big deep sea fish that she can catch while playing Flick Fishing that can give me lots of money and score me many points and make me rich fast.
So since her Mak Long selalu bercita-cita nak kahwin lelaki kaya, can she say that she wants to marry a badoody guy?
Here's another one:
Sometimes she would talk about her future big girl plans.
"Mak Long when I grow up I want to be a teacher like you. You know everything. You're so ultrananic!"
Hmmm...I can't really put my finger on the meaning of this new word. Ultrananic? What? Highly intelligent? Smart Alec? Loyar buruk?
Or Super Nenek?
Monday, June 6, 2011
My friend replied:
-Siapa ni ek?
I sms-ed again:
-Weh tak kena ke? Aku la Yati.
-Owh. Aku ingat mamat Jepun mana tadi.
Then I checked again the first sms that I sent him. Instead of "Assalamualaikum", it came out "Addams Yamamoto".
Damn this spelling auto-correction. Sometimes it just gives you more hassle. :-)
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Well anyway after my early dinner I went straight to the nearest ATM to withdraw money. I was queuing behind a young man who seemed to have trouble with his card. He was an average sized young man, quite muscular, with neatly combed black hair. Bila tengok dia rasa sejuk hati. Pakai baju pun tuck in.
And I honestly didn't know why but out of the haziness of my MSG induced headache I walked behind him, peered over his head (aku kan tinggi) and just stared at the ATM screen.
And I think he could feel someone breathing down his neck and looked back.
"Oh mak engkau tinggi nya ya Allah terkejut aku bila masa akak diri kat belakang saya akak oiiii....!!"
Alamak. Dari jauh macam lelaki GQ tapi bila terkejut melatah pulak. Dan bersuara popon.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
-Kak, ambik je kak sampel ni, free je, takyah bayor.
-Akak ni tinggi macam model la...akak ambik je voucher ni...
-Akak tak nak tau ke ini sampel apa?
Then I stopped and looked at them.
One of the young men looked back at me and made a remark.
-Alamak. Akak ni dah buat muka Ada Aku Kesah la.
-Takpe la kak. Kitaorang gi cari akak lain.
And I went back home.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
But whatever it is, thanks a lot girls for the fab time. It was super awesomeness! Muah!
Friday, May 20, 2011
-Good Morning auntie!
-Good Moorrrninnggg!! Wo cikgu sudah ada kereta baru ka?
-Takde la Auntie saya pinjam kereta mak saya.
-Wo. Apa pasal cikgu? Sindri punya kereta mana pigi?
-Rosak teruk la auntie. Kena hempap pokok depan rumah. Saya sudah hantar workshop kasi repair.
-Aiyoyoyo...saya baaanyak kesian sama cikgu. Itu kereta dulu nombor 3777 kan?
-Kenapa auntie mau tau?
-Nanti saya angkat nombor ekor.
-Ohh. Kalau menang auntie mau buat apa?
-Macam-macam boleh buat. Takpa cikgu punya pasal, kalau saya menang, saya tanam balik itu pokok baru. Kasi ganti yang sudah tumbang.
Huarghhhhhh!!!! Tak nak kawan!!
Thursday, May 12, 2011
There was this interesting cooking programme on Astro. The chef was showing how to bake a meringue. Or Bomb Alaska. I think. I was trying to jot down the ingredients and at the same time watch her do all the baking steps and try to hold on to my ice-cream.
And at the part where the chef said, "Now please be careful here when you bla bla bla..." and I was heavily concentrating to not miss any crucial part (with my ice-cream stick in mid-air) my big orange cat dengan sungguh selambanya berjalan di hadapan skrin televisyen, berhenti di tengah-tengah, mengiau beberapa ketika, dan meneruskan perjalanan untuk pergi baring betul-betul di sebelah kanan televisyen.
And thus ended my interrupted baking lesson.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
-Alah madame, susah sangat la, kalau duduk lama-lama pun bukannya dapat idea baru pun.
-Jom la madame saya belanja madame teh tarik.
-Orait. Tapi tunggu la saya jaga exam ni sampai 2.30pm. Awak yang keluar awal.
-Oh ye tak ye jugak.
-Alamak lamanya lagi. Saya balik dulu la madame. Panas.
Monday, May 9, 2011
-Good morning. My name is bla bla bla and today I will present. First I will talk about the company then I will talk about the project.
All the lecturers nodded.
-First the company. Bla bla bla...
The lecturers nodded.
-So my conclusion is bla bla bla.
The lecturers looked at each other. Did we miss something out here? Were we abducted by aliens before he started talking about his project and were beamed back into the room in time to hear his conclusions? Did I suddenly fall asleep?
-May I ask you where are your slides for your industrial training project?
-Oh madame, hilang la madame. Masa edit malam tadi terdelete.
-Okayyy...what about your industrial training report? Maybe you can show us something and explain from there.
-Tak bawak la madame. (read: tak siap lagi)
-All rightey....what about pictures? Can you show us some of the pictures you took of the machines and explain to us what you did?
-Gambar dalam laptop madame. Tapi kat rumah.
Kalau ada pertandingan "Rebutlah Peluang Untuk Mendapat Markah Gagal Di dalam Industrial Training Presentation", this boy would've won hands down. Blind-folded. Strapped in a straight jacket. Dan mendapat undian SMS tertinggi dari para penonton.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
-Okay Mak Long let's play.
-Okay let's see. I will give you two words and you make a sentence using the two words.
-Okay. And you too okay Mak Long? But me first.
-Hmmm. What about remote control and giraffe? Come on Aina, you go first.
(In my mind, I had already thought of my sentence: "The giraffe swallowed the remote control.")
-Well...Aina and Atuk are watching television. Then Atuk feels bored because she doesn't like the cartoon channel. So she takes the remote control and changes the channel. Then they watch National Discovery. Atuk looks at the animals and says to Aina,"Let's go to the zoo Aina." So they go to the zoo. But the drive is very long. At the zoo, they see a lot of animals. But Atuk likes the giraffe the most.
Then my niece looked at me and said:
-The end. See? Easy peasy lemon squeezy. That was fun Mak Long! Now let's hear your sentence!
-Errr...oh hey Aina I think I hear Atuk calling you downstairs.
Dan Mak Long pun tukar topik.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Well anyway due to the misfortune of this accidental encounter I had to sit down and have coffee with them. And update current events in each other's personal lives. I wanted to tell him to just read my FB status for more info but bit my tongue in time. He wasn't on my list of friends.
Miss Mega Block Busters (seriously, they're huge) was quiet for some time and observed. Sometimes she smiled at me.
Then we started talking about old school rock groups and I mentioned about a mutual friend who just bought a vintage Iron Maiden t-shirt.
To which Miss MBB finally menyampuk and said, "Akak Yati, yang kat channel AFC tu bukan Iron Maid la. Iron Chef. Orang Jepun tu."
Lantas aku hot disebabkan beberapa perkara:
a) Dia panggil aku Akak.
b) Dia menyamakan Iron Maiden dengan Iron Chef.
c) Kenapa dia boleh keliru akan hal ini?
i) She mistook Iron Maiden for Iron Maid.
ii) She thought I was actually referring to the Iron Chef when she thought I said Iron Maid.
iii) She has never heard of Iron Maiden. Her dad might have.
Tapi yang lagi best adalah bila dia terus senyum kepada kawan saya yang sedang dilamun asmara MLC seraya berkata, "Ayang nasib baik baby ada Astro kan?"
I have said this before but I will say this again. For a person like her, if she wants to have a higher IQ, she'd have to stand on a chair.
Dan kalau Iron Chef tu mat rock, kemungkinan besar dia layan Loudness.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
Masa tu konsep toyol masih lagi belum dipraktikkan secara berleluasa, atau saya je yang mungkin terlalu poyo.
Semasa minggu peperiksaan juga, semua pasangan-pasangan romantika de amora yang cinta mereka diduga dan menghampiri keruntuhan akan "put on hold" segala rancangan yang akan membawa kepada tragedi "kasih tak sampai ke penghujung". Alasan yang diberi? "Abang tak boleh la kalau kita break sekarang ni. Nanti takleh konsentret."
Saya masih ingat lagi ada satu ketika semasa sedang menduduki peperiksaan akhir penggal, kawan saya yang duduk di sebelah saya cuba memanggil saya. Cikgu yang menjaga pulak cikgu yang paling garang. Hati saya berbelah bahagi. Kalau tak layan nanti dia merajuk taknak belanja saya nasi daging kicap lagi. Tapi kalau saya tolong dia dan kena tangkap, menjawab saya nanti.
-Psssttt. Yati! (nada berbisik walapun ada tanda seru)
-Ko ada tak?
-Gila ko. Kantoi nanti tak pasal.
Errkk. Cikgu sudah bagi amaran pertama.
Beberapa minit kemudian.
-Apehal ko ni? (Naik juling mata saya. Mata kanan pandang kawan saya. Mata kiri tengok-tengokkan cikgu yang menjaga peperiksaan.)
-Ko ada tak?
-Minyak cap kapak.
Saya terlupa. Kawan saya yang duduk sebelah saya ni suka hidu minyak cap kapak. Itu mungkin satu alternatif yang lebih sihat dari menghidu gam dan tidak menyalahi undang-undang.
Pengajaran dari cerita ini?
Jangan buruk sangka.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
As I was trying to type out my reply to him I got another sms.
"Sori madame tadebear."
Kecik hati madame. Dari todi langsung takde :-)))
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
As a result of Hitam's playfulness, quite a number of my friends called me up to ask why I called them several times. And I had to repeat the same story over and over again.
This morning, as I was getting prepared for work, my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number. Usually it would be one of my students.
-Hello? Ini nombor siapa? You ada telefon?
-Sorry, salah nombor.
I couldn't possibly explain to a complete stranger that my black cat sudah buat hal.
-Nanti, nanti. Ini siapa?
-Salah nombor ni. Sorry.
-Ohhh. Adik manisss. Sudah kawin ka?
Damn. How many million handphone users are there in Malaysia? And how many of them are available Malaysian bachelors within the 40-45 year old range? So why is it that my fat cat would have to accidently dial the number of a Bangladeshi then?
Can someone please explain this to me? I'm in the dark.
No pun intended.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
A month ago a few of my friends invited me out for dinner, during which they introduced me to a guy and left us to "enjoy" the rest of the evening together. Kira macam blind date la.
The next day this guy told my matchmaking friends that he doesn't want to go on a second date with me anymore because he thinks I am not funny.
Well anyway a few weeks later the same guy texted me to ask me out. I said no. He insisted. I told him to stop harassing me. He still continued texting me. He even said that I would be lucky if someone would ask me out because quote: "you tu dah tua". Unquote.
I informed my matchmaking friends about this. They dealt with it. A few days later nightmare guy sms-ed me to apologize.
But he still asked me out.
Some of my friends gave me a few tips on how to get rid of Mr Blind Date From Hell.
a) Look for his car and spray paint BACK OFF in pink.
b) Ask him to take you out to the most expensive restaurant and then at the end of the meal tell him you're a lesbian.
c) Go make a police report and get a restraining order.
I didn't do any of the above.
Then a few days ago, I was having a meal with a girlfriend and we were discussing about this ordeal and were weighing the three options when Whoosh! out of nowhere Mr BDFH appeared and walked in front of us. He saw us at our table and headed straight towards us, smiling and saying hello. And asked me out again.
Then my girlfriend unexpectedly pulled me to her, looked at him straight in the eye and told him to back off. "She's my girl.", katanya. And planted one big kiss on my cheek.
Mr BDFH looked at us in disgust, geleng kepala, and left.
His last parting sms informed me that he never wanted to see me again. That I was anyway too tall and not pretty.
Saya pun lepas tu geleng kepala. It felt strange being kissed on a cheek by a 150cm girl who claimed to be my boyfriend.
It almost felt like dating a midget.