Wednesday, February 8, 2012

The case of the desperate orange thrower

During Chap Goh Mei, maidens throw oranges to fetch the apple of their eyes, or so read the title for the Star Online dated Tuesday February 7, 2012. Some of my Chinese friends have urged me to join in the fun. "Alaaa tak jumpa pun tak apa la, suka-suka saja...."

But that's the whole problem. In view of the advanced stages of my maidenhood years, I have no time anymore to spare for benda main-main. If I were to go and throw any citrus fruit into the sea or into a lake, I would have to make sure I eliminate all failure risks and maximize success rate.

Firstly, I need a fool-proof plan. Imagine me as an Ah Lian. If I want any potential Ah Beng to get my orange with my contact number on it I would have to make sure the fruit is easily fished out. Wrap it in bubble wrap so it would float on the surface of the water. Paint it in fluorescent pink or yellow so that it stands out from the rest (of the other oranges belonging to equally hopeful Ah Lians). But most importantly, tie the damn fruit to a tree with a secure string before throwing it into the sea. It will stay near the land! Someone is definitely bound to see it, pick it up, and look at it. If it's a monkey he will probably eat it up. But do not despair. That is just one of the 144 oranges that I have bought for this mission. There are 143 more.

Then there's the strategy for dissemination of personal info. If I just write my name and write "Gong Xi Fa Cai muah muah" on the orange, this will leave any potential suitor in a quandary. He will need some precious time to figure out who I am. He would have to gather any remaining traces of fingerprint or DNA imprinted on the skin of the fruit. And by the time he discovers my true identity, should he persevere, I might just already be menopausal and there goes any chances at procreation.

So let's not waste time. I'll write my name, my contact number, my vital statistics, which side of the bed I sleep on, my cats' names, their vaccination dates, my email addresses (yahoo, hotmail, gmail), my Facebook account, my twitter account, my latest medical history, my height, current weight and BMI. Oh and also the "Jurujual dan MLM tak mau" warning.

Yup. That's about it. I think I need a bigger citrus fruit. I think I need a pomelo.

So call me? Please? I'll pay you?


  1. ROFLMAO ... shld have attached a microsd into the orange with all your details =p

  2. LOL. Yup! With a tagging device attached to it as well. :)