Sunday, October 10, 2010

How do you mend a broken heart?

I am now experiencing severe withdrawal of the chemicals dopamine and oxytocin, short circuiting my brains, resulting in high amounts of cortisol in my body. I am running low on happy hormones. My trust hormone is at sub-zero level. As such, I am constantly feeling fatigued and sleepy. I am guessing this is my body's defense mechanism against heartbreak. Maybe if I went to sleep, all my worry will go away.

Alas that is never the case. I wake up at odd hours during the night, always feeling a tightness in my chest. Sometimes it is hard for me to breathe. I just want to lie in bed all day. And sleep. But I can't. My evil buddy insomnia is throwing my sleep cycle off.

And my tear ducts work overtime.

But I am patiently waiting for this depressing cycle to end. And bounce back to my normal self. I am very fortunate to be surrounded by friends and family who are understanding enough to let me be without asking too many questions, offer advice when needed, and be there for me. It's heartwarming to know that there are still some people who love you.

The trick is to stay occupied. And always have faith in the Almighty that when something happens, it is always for a reason. He knows what's best for you. Right now I might just feel like kicking his ass for giving up so easily, but I'm sure in the long run, in perspective, I might just begin to fathom the scheme of things. How maybe I was not meant to be in this kind of life. Or simply that if a person ditches you at the slightest obstacle and not want to find other means and ways, well then maybe he was just not so into you after all.

Do I have the face that says ''The fun starts here. Please wash hands after use. Thank you and have a nice day''?

Do I not deserve some love and happiness as well? And some degree of respect?

Freud has long suggested writing about any deep traumatizing episode you might have experienced for the cathartic effect. Ceh gila bombastic punya ayat padahal it just means writing crap about some shitty thing to let off some steam. So here I am trying to let go of some of my ''deep negative emotions that I might ignore or repress'' through expressive writing. Bluek.

Well for whatever that has happened, when all else fails, I still have my faith, my family, my friends, my cats and my wacky sense of humor.

And to the person responsible for all this extreme sadness and unhappiness, would it be possible for me to claim damages? If you think a broken heart is just some foolish romantic notion, well think again. I have to live with all this physical pains and aches in my body and it is taking a toll on my health and sanity. Kalau kita demam, kita boleh pergi klinik dan minta panadol (kalau tak nak bayar kena cari klinik panel), tapi kalau kita patah hati, ada tak hospital yang buat injection anti-kecewa?

I know you are reading this. Yes. You. So tell me, where is the nearest hospital I can go to check myself in and ask for dopamin and oxytocin I.Vs? That would help clear this blur in my head. And ease the pain a little.

But so would an unlimited spending budget.

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  1. One of the more touching reads from you. When it comes to matters of the heart, it will get better with time. Jangan pikir and analyse too much cause you won't get answers. Moving on is tough but at some point you will move on. Trust me.

    Maybe you need to try out one of my moms cooking...

    hehehe...ada self advertising lah sikit. ;-)

  2. hmmmm.... the only ubat that i know is time.

  3. Insomnia due to broken heart...hmmm...sounds familiar. Went through that several times, and yes, time and patience is the ubat for this ailment. Do not give up with whatever you do cos there are so many opportunities in this world. Things happen for a reason and seek other opportunities - sacrifice is part of the equation as well.

    Life is not always pleasant for everyone as everyone experiences different unpleasant experience based on their perception of their unpleasant times. One may change one's unpleasant experience into a pleasant one. That is one of the ways one can do. Take a long look at my life T. Why do you think I did what I did with my life? If I were to continue the status quo, I would have died by now.

  4. hiwoman,
    hugs from afar, be strong. GOD believe you deserve better and has a better plan for you.
    Go out and have a merrier time, its totally his loss.

    a big mushy bear hug.