Tragedi Kampung Liu

This morning the three botol kicaps who came to see yesterday paid me another visit. Saya sudah panik. Apa lagi Labu?

-Assalamualaikum madam.
-Waalaikumsalam.
-Kitaorang ingat nak tukar group la. Nak register French 1 dengan group lain.
-Oh I see.

Muka madame stoic. Kalau dalam citer cina tu macam muka makcik ketua keluarga terkaya di kampung yang berhadapan dengan anak perempuan yang baru ditangkap kerana cuba kahwin lari. Lelaki yang dicintai anak perempuan itu hanyalah seorang pembuat mee sanggul yang tidak layak menyentuh anak gadisnya yang hanya makan sup sarang burung walit setiap pagi pada jam 8 pagi sharp. Bila berada di dalam situasi sebegini, makcik matriarch perlu poised dan tenang walaupun serius dan di dalam kemarahan yang ekstrim. Lagipun cucuk sanggul atas kepala tu berat. Any sudden movements can cause severe neck injury. Anak gadis yang diheret untuk mengadapnya menggeletar ketakutan. Seluruh kampung tahu akan kehebatan kungfu ibunya. Apatah lagi pukulan Buddha Palmnya yang bisa membuat seseorang hilang akal selama tiga bulan.

-So you won't be in my class?
-No madam.

Madame ketua keluarga Wong pengedar tunggal minyak kayu putih di zaman dinasti Qing masih poker-face.

-OK then. If that's what you decide. All the best.
-Tapi in case tak best boleh masuk kelas madam tak?

Mata madam membesar dan meruncing ke atas. Lubang hidung madam kembang kempis menahan asap yang tak henti-henti keluar. Bila madam menyeringai sedikit nampak taring dan hembusan api.

-OK OK madam we go first.

Keadaan kembali reda dan pulih seperti sediakala di kampung Liu. Aura zen pantas menyelubungi kalbu, menerpa dan menerjah setiap ruang pernafasan makcik matriarch, yang menyambut berita gembira dengan tarian Melbourne shuffle diiringi muzik latar LMFAO.

Every day i'm shuffelin'...sheffelin'...shuffelin'...
Put your hands in the air y'all!!!

Duit gaji aku siapa yang bayar?

This morning three students came to see me. Seems that they have registered for my course but did not turn up last week. So today they came to check if their names are in my list.

I asked them why they were absent. They replied casually that they didn't know where the class was, which was totally ridiculous since they could always check their timetable or call up their friends to ask. So I told them that I didn't appreciate this kind of attitude and needed them to be more serious.

Then they said something that made me stopped talking for awhile. Sebab saya tak tau nak memberi penjelasan dan lempang atau lempang terus. But of course I did neither. Mereka berkata: "Madame kan kitaorang ni dapat loan belajar kat sini. Kiranya kitaorang ni customer la kan. So kiranya gaji madame pun kitaorang yang bayar la kan?"

So I had to do some quick thinking:
a) Aku yang bekerja, oleh itu akulah yang membayar cukai pendapatan.
b) Aku yang membayar cukai pendapatan, oleh itu akulah yang dapat menyumbang kepada pembangunan sosio-ekonomi negara, tidak kira dalam bidang akademik mahupun prasarana.
c) Dan disebabkan aku yang menyumbang ke arah penjanaan daya intelek di negara aku ini, ada kebarangkalian besar yang duit cukai aku digunakan untuk dijadikan wang pinjaman untuk pembiayaan pembelajaran ketiga-tiga pelajar yang berada di hadapan saya ketika itu.

All this of course with God's will.

Kalau ikutkan hati mahu saja saya suruh mereka tukar pensyarah. Saya tidak mahu berhadapan dengan sikap angkuh tak bertempat ini. Oh yes there's another word for this. Sombong bodoh. I've said it before but I will say it again. Jika kita bersikap angkuh dan sentiasa memandang rendah kepada orang lain, lebih baiklah kita kemas beg dan berpindah ke sebuah planet far far away in another galaxy dan mulakan sebuah kehidupan baru sebagai seorang bubble boy atau bubble girl. Bubble helmet kena pakai sebab di galaksi yang lain mungkin campuran kandungan oksigen dan nitrogennya berbeza sedikit dari di bima sakti Milky Way. Apa la guna muka cantik tapi kurang ajar. Cerdik IQ tak semestinya cerdik EQ. Kalau tidak tahu bersosial mengikut keadaan pergi masuk hutan.

But I'm stuck with these three clowns. So I need to devise a plan. Kalau saya jual mereka di pasaran gelap agaknya laku tak? Berapa ringgit saya boleh dapat sekilo?

Lost in translation

Just now I got a call from an unknown number. I answered. The guy asked me if I was Fanny. I said no. He said, ''Itu bukan Fanny Tee ka?''. I replied that I was Vanity. He didn't get the joke. Or maybe I lacked a sense of humor.

Which reminded me of another episode of linguistic confusion. A few years back there was this game on the radio that made callers translate into Malay the title of the song that was played at the time the DJ cued to call. On that particular day the song playing was Missy Elliot's "Get Your Freak On.'' One very excited caller who managed to get through shouted, ''Dapatkan Jagung Percuma Anda!''

OK saya rasa itu sangat kelakar. Atau mungkin saya mempunyai deria humor yang amat kejagungan.

What I Want in a Man

I read this on a paper place mat at a Japanese buffet restaurant and had to share with you guys. It gave me something to ponder on while chewing on my salmon sushis and sashimis. I am now at the Revised List (age 42). :D

What I Want in a man, Original List

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, pulls back chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I am in the car
3. Works steady-splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
9. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the jokes too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good shape enough to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

Membeli cermin mata di KL Sentral

Yesterday I finally went to see the optometrist and get a new pair of glasses. The young man who attended to me was very polite and always had the right words to say. Sales pitch kena bagus kan, barulah customer nak duduk dan mencuba semua frame spek mata dan membeli.

After trying out what seemed to be the 100th pair of frame, I got what I wanted and proceeded into the small dark room to have my eyes checked. He was very reassuring and told me to relax and focus as he did his job. Sambil-sambil tu ada la small talk sikit.

-Kakak...itu abang kat luar ha, dia kata kakak kerja mekanik, betul ke?
-Dia kata apa lagi?
-Takde apa. Itu saja dia kata.
-Ohhh. Ya la. Eh kalau saya jadi mekanik pun ok jugak?
-Yaaa...memang apa kerja pun baik. Tapi saya tengok akak kalau jadi cikgu pun ok maa.
-Kenapa awak cakap macam tu?
-Kakak jangan marah tau saya cakap. Tapi saya tengok kakak macam cikgu sebab kakak suka instruct buat itu ini.
-Eh mana ada? Pandai-pandai je kau ni Eddie. Dah tolong pergi ke luar tu ambik handbag saya. Tertinggal kat luar tu, atas kerusi.

And he left this woman who was in total denial, while muttering to himself something that sounded like "Haiya say oso no use."

Perfect timing

This is an example of perfect timing:

A few days ago I went to Alamanda to meet up with a friend. As I was walking towards the meeting place, another friend called me up so we chatted as I walked. I was on the first floor, and as I passed the Chicken Rice Shop (chicken rice and more paa pa pa pa!), which was situated on the ground floor, I could smell delicious food and I made this remark to my friend on the phone.

"Waaa I can smell good curry la from here!" while looking down towards the shop.

I looked back up and saw that at that precise moment there was this family of four Indian nationals staring at me. The father was shaking his head. And how did I know they were from India?

The man turned to his wife and said, "If we were in Delhi, I would've mashed her into Palak Paneer. How dare she talk about us like that."

Adoi. So there you go. An example of perfect timing.But wrong place. Wrong time.

NB: Palak Paneer is a popular North Indian dished of mashed spinach and cheese. Makan dengan dhal and butter chicken and naan sedap wo.

Datin Ghairah

Last week I watched Datin Ghairah at a friend's house on Astro First. Mental torture and abuse.

If we just take all the cliches at face value without thinking rationally about the real lives of everyday people this is what we can say about the rich as they are portrayed in the movie:

1) Orang kaya semua cakap slo-mo:

If you watch Datin Ghairah you will notice that Maria Faridah speaks super slow. As if she has been heavily sedated. And I don't have the faintest idea why. Sebab setahu saya orang kaya ni banyak bisnes (kalau mereka membuat bisnes lah seperti Datin Ghairiyah), jadi kalau banyak bisnes bererti banyak kerja yang perlu dilakukan dan segala percakapan lebih-lebih lagi di waktu business meeting adalah straight to the point and pronto-pronto-pronto sahaja. But she takes her own sweet time and you as the viewer will just have to claw yourself to the seat to stop yourself from throwing a hard object to the screen out of frustration.

But there might be several explanations for this kind of speech:
a) Lack of script to fill up the 1.5 hours of movie length. (Itu pun dah ada olahan pada skrip asal ye if you read the credits at the end of the movie)
b) Lack of intelligence for dialog memorizing hence the need to speak slowly so that the lines will come out easier.
c) Percubaan untuk mengetengahkan karektor utama sebagai seorang wanita yang cekal dan tabah serta tenang dalam menghadapi segala situasi. Beliau cukup kuat untuk menangani segala permasalahan walaupun terpaksa melakukannya seorang diri kerana suaminya telah lama meninggal dunia. Case in point: in one scene a group of bad guys tried to hijack their Hummer and kidnap her daughters. Nasib baik ada bodyguard/whackboy. Sebab drebar pun terus pengsan dan-dan tu jugak. Well anyway when she got the phone call from the bodyguard who reported about the terrible incident, all she could say was, ''A.p.a? A.d.a....o.r.a.n.g....n.a.k...c.u.l.i.k.....a.n.a.k....s.a.y.a...?...T.a.p.i...k.e.n.a.p.a....? O.h.h.h.....me.r.e.k.a...t.i.d.a.k...a.p.a-a.p.a...?...B.a.g.u.s.l.a.h....'' Without real expression. if it had been me receiving the news, being the cepat melatah that I am, I would have immediately run around in circles like a headless chicken in panic, lari setempat, kemudian panggil semua orang yang saya kenal dan bergegas ke balai polis berdekatan. Unless, of, course, I got the phone call that threatened the lives of my loved ones if I did so. In that case I'd contact the FBI. Dalam TV semua orang buat macam tu.


2) Anak orang kaya semua pakai seksi:

Dalam bilik, dalam rumah, dalam kereta semasa adegan penculikan, dalam kompleks membeli-belah, di tepi pantai, di majlis keramaian di tepi kolam renang atau di mana sahaja sekalipun, kod pakaiannya adalah spaghetti strap atau tube top atau sleeveless dress. Rasa-rasanya di Monaco pun para wanitanya tidaklah sampai sebegitu. Tapi entahlah saya tak dapat nak confirmkan hal ini kerana saya pun masih belum berjumpa dan bertemu jodoh dengan seorang lelaki kaya yang mempunyai rumah agam atau villa di Monaco untuk saya merasai kehidupan seorang rich and famous socialite.

Tapi masa kelas tuisyen pun nak pakai seksi-meksi tu buat haper? Sebab cikgu tuisyen abang Aaron ye?

3) Abang-abang polis semuanya tak pandai:

In this movie Aaron Aziz is a police officer who actually has to go undercover as a tution teacher to get closer to the Datin and her kids to solve a case. He has to teach secondary school Math to the two daughters. In one scene, he is having his class a) outside at the patio b) using a A3-sized white board (please be reminded they live in a three storey bungalow with probably 15 rooms inside) c) on the board it was only written ''2X2=4''. Eh please la. Kot iye pun boleh tak tulis formula yang panjang sikit? At least Theorem Pythogoras la. Dan para pegawai polis sekarang ni ramai yang sudah mengupgradekan diri. Ramai yang berijazah sarjana muda atau sarjana ok. Dan zaman sekarang ni bukan budak-budak sekolah sudah semakin pandai ke? Sudah belajar First Law of Thermodynamics atau advanced Calculuus sekurang-kurangnya? Ke itu bebudak MFI?

Begitulah sedikit sebanyak. Kalau tak percaya cubalah tonton di Astro First> Lepas tu kita boleh bincang semula.

Eh, aku tengah promote ke ni? Hahaha.